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Last week's NewsNews article for the week of 2/22/09. The Search For Atlantis XXIII: I’m On Vacation By Grey Exploration (Continued from Episode XXII) Seriously. I told them, I needed time off. Really, they let me leave, if only for a few days. Okay, from the beginning then. The latest batch of Chinese spies are just sad. They’re not even trying. They figure since they’re essentially backing us these days they don’t have to put much effort into hiding their presence. Once was a time when we would walk down one of these stone hallways and pass a single loose rock smaller than half a square metre and if it didn’t sneeze we wouldn’t have a clue that it was a Chinese spy. These days we pass one of these guys dressed in black, reading the Beijing Times or the New York Post, drinking our coffee with a sign around his neck reading “rock”, “lamppost” or “innocuous ostrich”. In the Amazon of all places. Now myself and two of the Trekkie nerds, along with Moneybags who still manages to run things, in as much as he runs things ever, are trying to get down one of these hallways where some sort of supposedly fascinating discovery is held. Nothing brilliant I’m told, just fascinating, not proof of Atlantis, just a really good show. The hall is filled with pretty much every Chinese spy we have, sitting against the walls, feet out, not bothering to move, all labelled something like “spade”, “light source”, “cylon” or “not so interesting artefact”. This probably all sounds funny on the outside and in the early days we all had a chuckle about it, but this time they just went too far. Under a blanket, waiting for revelation was the interesting discovery in question, and, well you probably know where this is going now, when we do the big reveal it turns out there’s a Chinese spy eating a cheese Danish and the last of the good coffee wearing a sign saying “pretty interesting discovery”. Now I’m a mellow kind of guy, I have to be, but at this point I just lose it. I walk outside, grab the “light source” by the ankles, re-enter and proceed to smash the “pretty interesting discovery” with the “light source”. And though teeth, pastries and light bulbs were destroyed, by and large both the “pretty interesting discovery” and the “light source” held together pretty well. I was just beginning to take this fact as a challenge to my ability to destroy stuff when Moneybags and “cylon” grab my arms and “spade” tackles my legs. One of the Trekkies pull a phaser and at that point I decide to surrender before the surreal kicks in good and proper. The bright side is that now I’m on holiday in a nice little lodge, paid for by the Chinese. It’s not a prison, honest, there’s a spa, a gym and no torture. Okay, the lobby keeps playing the Dixie Chicks but what are you going to do? The walls are a calming shade of white, the furniture is a calming shade of white and all the guys who take our laundry and pat us down for concealed weapons are big, burly, and dressed in a calming shade of white. It’s really rather nice here. |
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