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News article for the week of 1/30/09.

Walt Disney, Microsoft and McDonald's to abuse the Stimulus bill
By Cozmic

Eight hundred and twenty five billion dollars. That's how large the new stimulus bill is, although how much is going to the most evil corporations in the nation is so far unknown, due to th “no earmarking” policy. Which, in all actuality, really only made things even messier, as lobbyists will now try and push the money into their pockets using sneaky lawyers, and thus be even more evil. If the Devil was not so obsessed with hockey he would be laughing his buns off.
Really Pathetic Productions, always sneakier than even the sneakiest lawyer, and as such, we at least managed to uncover the hidden motifs for these corporations to get a bunch of free money.

McDonald's wants to use the cash to help fund new research saying that all those things about fast food being bad for you and essentially equating to a slow poison death was totally wrong, and everyone should have a Big Mac in their hand constantly, including vegans, as they will also prove that cows like to be made into burgers by breeding up a new breed of suicidal cows to grind into burgers of doom. Of course, this will still leave some money over if McDonald's gets the sum they want, which is every last cent. With the last money, they will stretch the cows for as long as they can, meaning they could triple the amount of burgers by simply filling them out with all that asbestos people have been tearing out of buildings due to the fact it's highly cancerous, which, one would assume, means it should not go into what is supposed to be classified as food, although the plan seems to be to sell them as “building materials” as far as the FDA are concerned.

Meanwhile, those at Walt Disney are planning to get their hands on the money to keep abusing the Winnie The Pooh license (the documents actually say abuse, although earlier versions substituted this with molest or diddle) in order to make a quick buck and ruin a few childhood memories while they are at it, and also show woozles on screen and ruin them too, and also start production on the Lion King IV, V, VI and VII: Vengeance of Zazo, simultaneously, aimed for release in the first, second, third and fourth quarters of 2010, hopefully able to finance production of parts VIII to XX for release in 2011.

Finally, Microsoft. Microsoft, a company that would have insane amounts of money had they not failed so badly with Vista that Windows 7 is already in beta, or tried to give Steve Ballmer that real, actually functional lighsaber(for the record, it was supposed to be purple). Now, Microsoft's Board of Directors is eager to get eight hundred and twenty five billion dollars and all collectively lift their pinky to the corners of their mouth simply by using lawyers, and then using this money to buy the name Linux, Unix and most of the similar, thereby eliminating the competition.

Of course, all of these plans stimulate economic growth, providing tons of work, it is simply that none of it is even close o morally correct. Hope, nay, pray, that Obama can keep the lobbyists out of this, or else never eat at McDonald's again!

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