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Last week's NewsNews article for the week of 1/23/09. Osama Bin Ladin Seeks To Put Sexy Back In Evil By Grey Events The one shot wonder of international terror tactics Osama Bin Ladin, hurting from a death spiral series of critically panned videos aimed at intimidating the West and succeeding only in making him a caricature second only to hated “nemesis” George W. Bush (the caricature element and the second to element both being equally offending to the attention hungry Bin Ladin) is desperately trying to claw his way back into world notoriety using the second oldest trick in the fame game book: his own celebrity Jihad themed birthday bash. He would try the oldest trick in the fame game book: getting married, but he’s done that nine times since 2003 with no effect other than three traumatising months married to Liz Taylor. Now with George “The Negative Attention Magnet” Bush on his way out Bin Ladin needs a new hook, so the party is expected to be a bigger blow out than anything Madonna appeared topless in. Combining the Jihad theme with as many villains and scoundrels as he can muster Osama hopes this will put him back on the map. The buzz about the guest list is already making the rounds, shoe ins are Charles Manson, Joseph Mengela, Martha Stewart and the guy who edited Jennifer Love Hewitt’s nipples out of the third to last episode of “The Ghost Whisperer”. Paris Hilton expects an invite, more because she expects an invite to every party, the poor girl is too insipid to be a villain. Sources close to Darth Vader have said he has received an invite, only to mercilessly deride the idea of having a party in a dank, dingy cave in some Pakistani mountain, with a dance floor barely big enough for three people and everywhere is stoop level only. This will surely further the Vader/Bin Ladin feud, which began when the Dark Lord of the Sith attempted to market the Bin Ladin family recipe muffins as his own. Muffins that are sure to be served at the party. Hitler is keen to be invited, however Bin Ladin has a strong dislike of Hitler and association with the former dictator. While they share both a “we hate Jews” outlook and a taste for mink socks the Furher’s failure and subsequent fall from power is something Bin Ladin, desperate to prove he’s still got the mojo, desperately wants to disassociate himself from. Rumours abound that one of the Olsen twins has also been invited, exactly which one has led to some additional rumour mongering and more than a little betting. Satan is widely expected to turn up, however this is a misunderstanding. As evil as Osama Bin Ladin is, he is nevertheless a devout Muslim and thus Satan will not be receiving an invite to this celebrity party. Satan will however crash the party and consume souls, urinate in the punch, have sex with a dog and/or Andy Dick, and generally wreck things, much as Satan often does. But if Amy Winehouse manages to beat him to the party there might not be anything left for him to do. |
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