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News article for the week of 9/28/08.

Who’s Bits of What Worth Where
By Grey Entertainment

Once was a time when the simple touch from a celebrity, a word in greeting or simply an autograph would be enough.
Then they bottled Elvis’ sweat.
Now Hayden Penniterre’s own mother is selling her used underwear on E-bay.
Coming into contact with the famous and powerful is an age old dream for fans and even today the majority are happy enough with a signed photograph.
Of course the more entrepreneurial minded have long made a career of sorting through celebrity refuse, robbery to grab and sell authentic personal items, even crashed a wedding or two.
Of course with the present state of the consumer society, and the tendency to escalate everything, the latest, ultimate craze is to own a literal piece of a celebrity.
While disgusting it isn’t so bad with the readily deceased or the less sticky. The graves of Bob Marley and John Lennon, among others have been desecrated and remains stolen, resulting in heartbreak and horror for family and earnest fans.
It’s finally started to get out of hand, just last month someone tried to steal Colin Farrell’s infamous stubble, while it was still attached to his face.
This attack was foiled only by the high pitched, shrill scream Farrell emitted just at the sight of the jar of wax.
While the actor is expected to make a full physical recovery after the near loss of his face after some unfortunate wax spillage his reputation as a tough guy, action actor may be forever destroyed by the cell phone camera footage of him recoiling in utter horror and very nearly fainting.
The prices apparently justify the risk of the resulting charges and mauling by fans.
According to rumour the black-market price for such items as Patricia Arquette’s hair ($20,000 per lock), Justin Timberlake’s ear ($35,000 apiece), Tom Cruise’s ass ($280,000 for anything from chin to eyebrow range) and butt ($450,000) are only set to rise as they are extremely rare and expected to be of limited stock.
Much like pieces of the Arc (currently enough splinters exist to build a two story home for every Chinese person in the world), splinters of the True Cross (presently tallied at enough to build four Arcs and an Arc Aircraft Carrier with a compliment of doves) and Jesus bones (Not quite enough for a complete skeleton but enough for 75% of a full human skeleton with nineteen arms, four hundred fingers, eighteen jaws, two thousand and nine teeth {mostly canines} and eight right feet with three hundred toes tending towards the little one) there are far too many pieces of individual celebrities for them all to be real, and even then it is unlikely that some of the living ones have shed limbs as often as hair follicles, teeth or noses.
Well maybe Michael Jackson, Tori Spelling and Bill Murray.
According to reports there are now enough parts of Elvis floating around to build an entire band, so many bits of Marilyn Monroe that even the non-sexy parts would send Hugh Hefner into a joy seizure, and so much Paris Hilton people fear what will happen when she really dies.

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