Past News


Last week's News

News article for the week of 7/16/08.

Anheuser-Busch Remarket Questionable Beverage
By Grey Business

After being forced to reformulate its alcoholic energy drinks under the accusation that such a beverage was targeted at teenagers owing to its “energy” labelling Anheuser Busch has sworn to reformulate and remarket its products so as there can be no confusion that it is marketing to adult drinkers only.
Though they have changed product lines, altering caffeine and alcohol levels, changing bottling and “deliberately” not targeting teenagers there is still a substantial amount of product standing by in warehouses.
While most manufacturers would publicly dump the lot, offer it to a bunch of frat boys or just try and get pretty girls loaded Anheuser Busch has chosen to remarket their product to molepeople.
In recent years the molepeople have been considered a burgeoning consumer market that could rival China in potential within select areas.
For one thing having claws on both hands and feet mean that gloves, shoes and the standard game consoles are out of the question, and customisation, even on this scale, is prohibitive and not guaranteed success.
Sunglasses have been seen as the obvious cash crop for consumer items, however with limited exposure to sunlight and the issuing of two pair of heavy UV blocking sunglasses to all molepeople troops anything of worth and quality are considered military goods and trade is heavily restricted.
And yet for all their hate of the surface world and its inhabitants the molepeople still want a taste of what the everyday human has.
Chain stores and franchises such as McDonalds and The Gap have had little luck with market penetration, molepeople authorities are suspicious that they will be used as a cover for surface world spying activities.
Conversely brand name products tend to do fairly well. Coke and Pepsi enjoy a sizable share of the beverage market, Starter caps are popular and Sara-lee, Oreos, Hot Pockets and numerous other items from around the world, including the unpopular Italian invention (identified as being both a food and a clothing item) Juzazi, have found a home with the molepeople.
In fact it is probably items like the latter than have allowed Anheuser-Busch to look upon the molepeople as a money generating dumping ground.
Such was, of course, not their original intent. Spokespeople for Anheuser-Busch claim they are marketing the likes of Tilt and Bud Extra to the molepeople as a part of a modern business move.
“These guys live and work in darkness, it’s hot, damp, smelly and lacking in fresh air and sunlight. These guys need all the energy they can get in order to undermine humanity and claim the Overworld as their own, and they also need to kick back and relax a little. Given the high stress, hardworking lifestyle of the average moleperson we think our product is best suited to them as it allows for both work and play in one bottle.
“It’s a market we’d be stupid to ignore.”

 Really Pathetic Productions 1997-2008©
Menu Bar By, Albatross