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News article for the week of 5/16/08.

Widespread Candidate Dissatisfaction among Interest Groups
By, Grey Politics

A general malaise is sweeping America as the Democratic Party candidate selection drags on like some Police Academy sequel. Before voting begins for the president proper people are becoming exhausted by the campaigning and mud raking, and it seems that fewer and fewer independents are truly willing to commit themselves in any direction, increasing the power of those groups that can mobilise a bloc of voters.
Sadly the malaise extends to these groups as well, and while the candidates are more than willing to go to the extra effort to woe them it may not be enough.
Environmentalist groups would seem to be the easiest to win over, sustainable energy policies, cracking down on polluters and reduced attention towards Paris Hilton are easy to offer, they are also rarely implemented and so the Green vote, while easily won, is hard to hold in the long term.
Similarly the Silver Foxes, the diehard group of senior citizens dedicated towards political activism for the grey haired are easily won over with improved health systems and ten minutes of honest attention. Of course they are statistically more likely to vote for whoever last spoke to them.
The newly acknowledged “brown” vote, the bloc of Hispanic voters who would tend to favour more lenient immigration laws and an increased aid package for Lindsay Lohan, may be pivotal. Previously all but ignored and only newly labelled they are in a position to still find the politicking and favour currying to be new and interesting.
And then there is the alien hybrid vote, the so called paisley vote, as the Grey vote belongs to the alien progenitors themselves, and the walleyed vote belongs to those classified as mentally retarded who have retained the vote under the Forrest Gump cutsie laws.
A long history of being ignored by politicians and the population at large owing to their hideous form and the distinct possibility that at any moment they could turn on either humans or aliens depending on how the drama of the situation turns has moulded them into a bitter and cohesive force.
At the moment no single candidate appeals to the paisley vote, they appreciate the clean victory of John McCain, though since he is a Republican there is automatic suspicion, as right wing media personalities have repeatedly referred to alien hybrids as the “Up and coming ghetto dwellers and a breeding ground for youth crime.”
Barak Obama appeals to the paisley vote, principally because his odd, distended features mimic their own, something that led to a brief scandal.
Subsequent testing proved Obama to be human, a mix of African and Caucasian, two juices that have never mixed well in the alien hybrid milkshake. And it was his subsequent denial and denouncing of the whole affair that left a sour taste in the already puckered mouths of paisley voters.
It would seem that Hillary Clinton would be the natural beneficiary of this distain, had it not been for a history of conflict with alien hybrid political activists. During her husband’s tenure as president Hillary drafted a controversial healthcare plan that alien hybrids felt weakened the military too much and ignored the underlying issues of supply and critical maintenance of roller coasters.
While not yet a decisive force in US politics it may be that the paisley vote is essential in later elections as the alien hybrids learn how to flex their political muscle.

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