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Last week's NewsNews article for the week of 4/22/08. Steve Irwin Battles Economic Slump From
Beyond The Grave The Crocodile Hunter, Steve Irwin, before his death was many things, an environmentalist, an entertainer, and sometimes flamenco dancer. While he turned the family zoo into a world-class attraction and ran it with an eye towards conservation and profit no one would have considered just how much of an economic wizard he was. Apparently he was working on a formula for universal wealth and equitable distribution that would have allowed McMansions for all and the theoretical creation of economic co prosperity that would have forever altered world trade as we know it. Or perhaps end world hunger, Irwin’s handwriting is spotty at best and towards the end he gets overexcited and tries to put everything on one line. With the US entering recession, China’s booming economy threatened, Europe stagnating and Antarctica freezing all exports of luxury items (hiding behind a flimsy excuse of poor weather to excuse the cold puns) people are more interested in staying wealthy than keeping everyone fed. Sadly the answer died with Irwin, which has led to a new round of stingray attacks, the most recent being in Montana where a stingray was dragged from his car in front of his distraught family and beaten with waffles. Still there remain those who are hopeful of a solution, who cling to the singular hope that by reclaiming that which was Steve Irwin the answer to economic turnaround may be found. No, this does not involve cloning, but instead the rising of the legions of Steve Irwin impersonators. Though an enthusiastic and energetic public figure few know the “true” Steve Irwin, the man behind the public persona. While friends and family agree he was every bit as energetic behind the cameras as in front it is wildly accepted that there are parts the public never really knew, hampering impersonators hoping to harness his economic genius. Nevertheless the impersonators are starting with what they know, which is frightening enough as it is. Naturally the impersonation begins with khaki shorts and shirt, as well as durable boots. Not a problem in most locations however a sizable troop is operating out of Alaska in an attempt to make full and proper use of the natural resources there in an economic comeback. So far three have been sidelined with varying degrees of frostbite. Wrestling with wildlife is seen as the next most important factor, and thankfully the majority of impersonators have started small with whatever local wildlife they could find, be it chickens, rats, pigeons in urban areas, or in one case an overly aggressive goldfish that has bested all attempts to be transferred from one bowl to another. Impersonators claim it is early yet and the goldfish will inevitably be moved. Steve Irwin’s famous catchphrase is perhaps most difficult to capture. Though spelt “Crikey” owing to Irwin’s accent and an eye infection (wife Terri Irwin’s words not mine) it was pronounced along the lines of “Croikey”. Native Australians are having little trouble with the phrase, however there is a dearth of Irwin impersonators within that nation owing to copyrights held by the Irwin family. Rumour has it that the recent falling out between Terri Irwin, Steve’s widow, and his father is based around the latter’s attempt to reform an entire accounting firm into Steve Irwin impersonators while Terri was trying to maintain a tight grip on the image of her husband. While still in the early speculative days the economic downturn has many searching for quick and easy solutions, will this be one, only time will tell. Third Weirdest VP Selection Method Ever By, Grey Politics There are many methods of chosing a running mate in a US election, each with merits and flaws. Compatability, cross spectrum appeal, ability to make savoury muffins, are but a few of the often conflicting requirements a Presidential candidate needs to fulfil. So heavy are the political considerations that even factors like trust and integrity are lost in the face of other needs. Enter Barak Obama, faceing few scandals, heralded as the new face of hope and yet still not passing all the integrity tests. For any other politician this would hardly be a concern, everyone mistrusts politicians, who always look like they are up to something suspect. Not Obama. The choice of a running mate could be the critical factor that puts him out ahead of Clinton and McCain, possibly by a commanding lead. While it might be wise to carefully consider all the factors Obama wants to make it look like he’s doing things on the basis of merit rather than pleasing political power brokers. Thus Obama has pulled a little known rabbit out of his hat: A deep respect for yodelling, and the decision to chose the best yodeller as his running mate in the upcoming election. The vocal, uh, action known as yodelling is rare within the corridors of power, few politicians in the world know how to do it, openly at least, and so in some respects it’s the most random a means of chosing a running mate as any since FDR chose Truman after seeing the latter arm wrestle a bear and lose gracefully. This turn of events has Washington in a flap, few of the hopefuls have any singing skill beyond power ballads and the occasional bit of swing, yodelling is simply beyond their range. Pointedly, choosing yodelling automatically knocks Hillary Clinton out of contention for running mate, a speculated set up that may have healed the growing rift within Democratic ranks. Hilary Clinton’s singing abilities are well known, she has mangled The Star Spangled Banner and even Kiss has requested that she not sing their songs in the shower. Critics and opponents have called this a senseless and irresponsible manner of choosing someone who may become the second most important person in American politics, but Barak Obama will not be swayed easily. Already there have been benefits, recent polls show that the majority of the voting public see Obama as fair, even handed, and somewhat weird, but not in an unforgivable way. Of course, there is some speculation of defeatisim on the part of Obama as he may simply be preparing for a post politics career in reality TV. His selection methods include a panel featuring yet another of Michael Jackson’s less talented brothers, a one hit wonder latino chick and snarky Brit. Although in this case the snarky Brit is Hugh Laurie using his House persona with his native accent, drawing unfavourable comparisons to Simon Cowell and Rowan Atkinson. |
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