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Last week's NewsNews article for the week of 4/7/08. Xphile’s Tapes XXI: What About The Corn Oh they’re good, they’re real good they are. You know who I’m talking about even thought there’s no way you could possibly know exactly who I’m talking about. You know, the big conspiracy dudes, the ones who are behind everything. Of course they don’t know much about specific conspiracies, at their level they act more like facilitators, promoting the conspiracies that have some benefit to them without bothering with one overarching plot that could easily be taken down. You know what I mean. A flood here to push down property prices in an area they want to develop while a fire somewhere else prompts an increase in smoke alarm sales while somewhere entirely different suffers a rain of hamsters of biblical proportions if people would just bother to include that part in the holy works again. Right, down to what I know. No jokes please. There’s an election coming, a big one, the kind of big that only comes along when an incumbent US president cannot stand for re-election so the field is by and large wide open. It’s made bigger by one of the candidates possibly being a woman or a black guy. It’s the biggest smokescreen since the Korean War. Oh look at this nice shiny election, with all its bells and whistles, pay no attention the man behind the curtain and the kite he’s flying. Again, keep in mind that there is no single plan behind this. It’s a dozen little things from a falling world economy to the price of men’s Mickey Mouse underwear. Well I’m saying here and now it isn’t going to work, not on me, not this time, and I’m going to make sure that no one else falls for it either. I will not be taken in by Clinton again! So what we really need to do is ignore the election, ignore the historical possibility that a woman or black man could be president, ignore that well glazed media glitz that used to be reserved for Hollywood celebrities and royalty, ignore the free stuff they’re sending in the mail, ignore the mind controlling drugs in the water. Wait, pay attention to that, but only because there’s mind controlling drugs in the water. I don’t mean it like that though, I mean it’s a bad thing that there are mind controlling drugs in the water and you really should do is pay attention to the mind controlling drugs so as to not take them. This of course means drinking nothing but Mountain Dew, but I’m prepared to take that chance and hope the rest of you are too. But this is only one of many schemes enacted against us! We must be ever vigilant and stuff so as to not fall for the grand sceptical that is the US Presidential election! Besides it’s not like anyone in there has done anything interesting since Jimmy Carter tried to have everyone in Idaho tap-dance simultaneously. Nader Kicks Election In Pants By Grey Politics After the surprise mid-debate make out session between Barak Obama and Hillary Clinton most would not think this year’s election could get any stranger, and then Ralph Nader decides to up the ante. Not that the ante needed upping, Obama, Clinton, one could be the other’s Veep, McCain and his unknown running mate, Martian demands that the USA dissolve and become a part of the greater Martian state (also known as Boise), and Romney’s half-hearted, half-serious comments about asking for a recount or running as an independent this election is turning into a circus. Hence it should not be much of a surprise that Ralph Nader, the election clown, has thrown in this latest trick: Should he win the second placeholder will automatically be his Vice President. This doesn’t sound like much, at most it excuses Nader’s lame campaign slogan of “A vote for me is half a vote for someone some of you like.” Except that a lot of people are seeing something like this as a way out of the current Democratic muddle. If it’s good enough for the Democrats then why not apply it to the election as a whole? Some state that it is fact original tradition of US elections, back before bipartisan enmity became so great. Now the possibility that one vote translates into half or quarter a vote for someone almost as good or at least somewhat less offensive than a third option has thrown the campaigns into chaos. In her home turf of New York Clinton has renewed her appeal with a new series of television ads using “Ebony and Ivory”, claiming that because she suggested the team up first hers is the better deal. Sadly for Hillary this backfired when Barak Obama, trading on his greater appeal, pointed out that the song was “Ebony and Ivory” not “Ivory and Ebony” and that no one, not even the president, should change the classics. McCain is also finding popularity by suggesting teaming up with Obama, almost cutting Clinton off entirely, possibly a wise move given her greater Democratic ties. The same cannot be said for the Republican campaign as a whole. In the South McCain’s suggestions have been twisted into “How it’s s’posda be” or “Keeping them in their place until they’re ready”. Much of what is coming out of the Deep South (you know, the part where river rafters fear to tread) is unprintable. All of which pales in comparison to the true dilemma for the American voter: math. The average voter’s head is already being spun madly trying to work out if voting for one and having them come in as Vice President is the equivalent of half a successful vote (because they’re still in) or a quarter of a successful vote (because they’re in but not all the way in) or a third of a successful vote (because it can’t be as simple as a half or quarter) or some other percentage. No one wants to think about numbers during an election. Now is the time to be a theoretical mathematician, as CNN, NBC and other reputable news networks gather together anyone with mathematical knowledge, from University professors to kindergarten schoolteachers to try and explain what is going on here. Meanwhile Fox is employing crossword puzzle champions to explain the deal. |
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