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Last week's NewsNews article for the week of 2/24/08. Ron Paul Comeback
Predicted For a while now the Democrat and Republican Presidential nominee race has been thought of as a two horse race, with the Republican run down turning into a one horse race as Mike Huckabee failed in his bid to impress Simon Cowell on American Idol. However the notion that John McCain is unopposed within the Republican camp has taken a sharp blow today as former seventh place outsider turned third place outsider due to most of those ahead of him dropping out Ron Paul pulled a stunning comeback, announcing that he had John McCain by something dangly and extremely sensitive, quite possibly that thing in the back of McCain's throat. The exact nature of the evidence is unknown, though rumours are running that it could be anything from an illicit affair to an illegitimate child to being Puerto Rican. If Ron Paul believes it is enough to unseat McCain from his lead in the nomination race then it must be something saucy, established mud raking already has the elder statesman supporting immigration and illegal aliens’ rights, not to mention taking a soft option towards abortion, Gay rights and the continued freedom of Paris Hilton. Sources close to Paul have indicated that he has been seen clutching a sheaf of aged documents and cackling maniacally whenever thunder clashes in the background. They have also stated that the evidence is something to do with McCain's heritage. Some have speculated that this means that John McCain has an African-American ancestor once held as a slave, a possibility, if true, could make him blacker than Barak Obama whose claim to colour while greater in percentage is substantially less cool, as it comes from free Kenyan stock rather than the oppressed. Of course were this the case it would make McCain a shoe in for President, for although many Southern white conservatives would depart him they would have nowhere else to go and thus not vote at all, the black vote would likely swing entirely to the Republican party for the first time since that "misprint" incident during the Carter administration. Somewhat more realistic is speculation along the lines that McCain is in fact the Lindbergh baby. There are substantial doubts since although McCain has been frequently criticised as old he simply isn't that old. More likely is that a parent is the Lindbergh baby, though even then the ages do not add up. This of course leads to the possibility that McCain has lied about his age and he is in fact older than has been reported, a form of fraud perpetrated against the American people on a scale not seen since Ronald Regan promised to banish Ming the Merciless from Paris, Texas, all wrapped up in a mystery/scandal unheard of since Ronald and Nancy Regan paid for Ming the Merciless' airline tickets to Vancouver. The extent of concern within McCain campaign headquarters is minimal, the team assembled is highly skilled and experienced and is likely playing it cool, preparing to negotiate with Ron Paul rather than having evidence of impropriety, scandal or simple strangeness from reaching the public. |
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