Last week's News
News article for the week of 1/27/08.
The slightly concerning killer plaguing restaurants and putting the fear of some sort of slightly higher power into food critics has almost been run to ground.
The use of blandness as a murder weapon at first captivated the public and then they got tired of it. Despite five more strikes against restaurants resulting in several dozen deaths the public has had its fill of dull, lacklustre stories, even as critics take up arms to defend their taste buds and lives.
Fortunately, through the use of stimulants, authorities have remained on the job, dedicating themselves to finding the fiend who dares make food boring.
Vigilante food critics have so far been less than helpful. While there was some initial concern that any independent action would lead to disaster it appears that aside from an acidic tongue the average food critic isn’t capable of much damage.
They did serve as a useful distraction while the FBI narrowed leads.
The celebrity chief community has been in an uproar, with most fleeing the critics, their natural enemy, while feeling heavily victimised by the investigation.
Jamie Oliver was sent into self-imposed exile in Iceland, where his inane jumping around earned him a well-deserved harpoon in the leg.
Gordon Ramsey has turned his restaurant into an armed camp, with watchtowers, heavy machine guns and armed waiters at every table.
The entire cooking channel has been abandoned, fine dining along the Eastern seaboard is now nonexistent, McDonalds now looks to dominate the globe with the Grimace legions marching across the pallets of the Western world.
Meanwhile the investigators have discovered that the Culinary Killer is unlikely to be working as a professional chef. For one thing the anonymity of the suspect lacks the attention seeking drive characteristic of a chef.
More likely it is a failed chef presently working as a disgruntled waiter, and most of those are down and out actors.
Suspicion immediately fell upon Bruce Campbell, until it was realised that thriving B actors are in fact very different from down and out actors.
The investigation now focuses on the likes of Christian Slater, Emelio Estevez and Molly Ringwald, with special attention being paid to those with links to the food industry.
Some believe Fran Dresher could be the killer, she presently works as head waiter in a Sacramento establishment, and has loudly ruined dinners simply by her presence, however this form of killing requires discretion, not something Fran is unfamiliar with.
Speculation has it that Sarah Michelle Geller has entered into a restaurant partnership with Liza Minelli, which if true could lead to nothing but trouble. Thankfully Sarah Michelle Geller is a simple myth.
Kiwi Commandos Attempting to Unduly Influence Presidential Elections
By, Grey Politics
The New Zealand SAS, like many Special Forces units around the world, has a much-deserved reputation for effective combat, one that belies the small size of the origin nation.
Having seen action around the world, most of it receiving little or no publicity, they are highly respected by international forces and are considered the true fighting force of New Zealand ever since the air combat wing was downsized to three guys with two kites.
Perennial presidential independent pain in the butt candidate Ron Paul has attempted to harness these skilled individuals to his benefit.
The latest scandal to plague wannabe third candidate, Senator and chicken enthusiast Ron Paul is a leaked memo outlining plans to use Kiwi commandos to disrupt the Democrat and Republican campaigns through controlled explosions, selective assassination of aides and by replacing coffee with tea and tea with hot lemon drink.
Sadly while it seems that Ron Paul intended to somehow subvert the previously mentioned special forces troopers for his own gain it would seem that those working for him were confused by the terminology.
The word “Kiwi” is often used as a generic term to describe people living in New Zealand, it is based on the national bird, the kiwi obviously.
Somewhere along the way someone became confused and ordered twenty endangered brown kiwis imported into Paul’s office.
Aside from being endangered they are small, brown (Paul has expressed a dislike of the colour brown, initially thought to be a racial thing but quite possibly an aversion to burnt custard) birds with large beaks, whiskers, fur like feathers, no wings as in utterly flightless, and while possessing of large claws are nocturnal and tend to flee rather than flight and show a disturbing tendency to wire C4 explosives backwards resulting in no detonation.
These kiwi commandos are unlikely to prove nearly as effective as the Kiwi commandos, however it is too late, the paperwork has been filed and the small, flightless bird sized sneak suits have been ordered, manufactured and paid for.
There is a report that the error results from Paul himself, that the memo leaked is in fact from an aide trying to make the best of things.
What is more it has been speculated that kiwis were in fact wanted rather than Kiwis, with no one expecting small, flightless birds with poor demolition skills to be the cause of such mayhem.
This could be a viable strategy, Bill Clinton managed to gain an advantage over incumbent President George Bush with the phrase “It’s the economy, stupid,” and well timed dive-bombing pidgins to inhibit the flamboyant Bush style.
Thankfully forearmed is forewarned and it is likely that all candidates from the major parties will employ anti-Kiwi tactics.
Sadly it appears that most seem to believe that the natural predator of the kiwi is the kangaroo, having confused the natural predator of the Kiwi, which is any Australian sportsman.
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