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News article for the week of 12/16/07.

Ivy League Paves Way for Gurgling Masses
By, Puns McKenna

The Ivy League is now making it even more simple to join their foliage covered ranks. That’s right folks. The upper-middle and middle class are practically being paid to go to school at Ivy League schools. They are paying uber piggy amounts of financial aid. They’re lowering the amount of tuitions. Can they be getting any more desperate?
The desperate desperado has to be really getting saddle sore to be giving away the ranch. Makes me wonder if the Ivy League is really worth it anymore. Is it possible that the top eight schools in America have fallen by the wayside? Have they become the bottom eight?

I never thought I’d see the day that schools such as Harvard and Columbia U would be lowering themselves enough to allow us Middle Class folks to join. Some might say that they feel sorry for us poor middle-class folks, but I wonder. I think they’re just trying to pat themselves on the back for being kind to the poorer souls in the world.

I’m sure they think we’re all gibbering idiots. Why should we give them a chance to find out that we really do have brains? We should continue to sneak in under the radar. Perhaps we should all become actors? You know pretending that we come from affluent families. Never letting our blue collars show is the important thing. I’m sure that all the Upper-class Brats would love to see us cut lose. I’m seeing “Coyote Ugly” here. Dancing on the bar top, tables, etc.

Wouldn’t they just love to invite us to go fishing with em? I can see it now. “Yeah, I’m taking the yacht out this weekend. Would you like to do some fishing with me?” One of us blue-collar kids gets a big ole grin. “Sure! I’ll bring the beer and pigs feet. I got a collection of mighty fine Playboy’s too. Y’ant me ta bring em?”

I could just about see the look on the face of the Dean of Harvard when the Yuppies come to him with complaints about the blue-collar kids being too crass and not good “material”. Then we’ll all see under the veil of goodwill humanitarian BS the Ivy Leagues are doing. We wouldn’t want to make them all look bad now would we?

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