Last week's News

News article for the week of 10/31/07.

Rats to invade Middle East
By, Puns McKenna

Terrorism has become an unavoidable word these days. And our boys at the Pentagon have finally come up with a way to get rid of the obnoxious word. That’s right, they’re doing away with the root cause.
Officials have been studying history and the various forms of warfare. In the dark ages folks used to use deceased cattle, diseased animals. In the early days of the colonies, mass plagues whittled down the population. Today, these officials are looking into a new type of anti-terror weapon. Forget the Bubonic Plague? Does anyone remember how that plague was spread? That’s right, rats!

Throughout history rats have been the number one way to spread disease. Now, we’re going to put that knowledge to use. This knowledge comes from multiple different countries and spans multiple eras. In a multi-national effort, they plan to send rat volunteers into the Middle East in what amounts to giving their lives for their respective countries.

I interviewed several of the rats that were selected. They all were quite adamant in their expression of disgust at the acts of terrorists. The general consensus is that it is better to give ones life to save those who cannot save themselves.

Each rat will be injected with strains of bubonic plague, Anthrax, and various other non-easily curable diseases. Then these rats will be shipped to strategic areas in the Middle East, where they will be set loose in the location to spread amongst those whom wish to engage in terrorist activities.

In the pre-dawn light, dark shapes fell from the sky. As the sun peaked over the horizon, enormous wooden crates landed in the dirt. Quick release handles were pulled and millions of rats poured forth, disappearing into the darkened streets of Middle Eastern towns.

Whether the rats will be successful or not is yet to be seen. Stay tuned for information as the War on Terror progresses.

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