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Last week's NewsNews article for the week of 8/29/07. Cuba Preparing for Castro Retirement Fidel Castro, beloved father of the Cuban People (as if often repeated in Cuba just in case someone is listening), hated tyrant off the coast of Florida, and part time used hot dog salesman has been plagued by a number of health issues of late, and has not been seen in public in quite some time. Consequently many are wondering what will happen within the tiny island communist nation with excellent health care. Officially there is nothing wrong with Fidel, he is simply enjoying an extended holiday after decades of backbreaking labour turning Cuba into a socialist paradise, defying the evil Americans, liberating the people, building an excellent health care system and delivering up to the minute weather reports. Realistically there is something amiss when a man who had major dental surgery live on air rather than report record summer temperatures and advising people not to bother with extra sun screen since the ozone hole was just a capitalist pig myth designed to increase sales of mayonnaise and other white substances which, with a little coconut, are passed off as sun block. Internationally the United States is waiting for him to die just to proudly hammer another nail into the coffin of Communism, as if they actually did anything. Russia is worried that Cubans will see this as fuel on the fire to have the back rent from the Cuban Missile Crisis to be paid up in full right away. Canada is seeing this as it’s chance to become the most notable “C” country next to the USA. Within Cuba itself attitudes are split. In as much as they can be split since no one at all is thinking Fidel Castro is going to die. No, he is immortal and could easily continue ruling the country forever with a stern but steady hand. However it’s good to have a holiday every now and again so the Cuban people are more than happy for Raul Castro, Fidel’s baby brother and inventor of the Golden Pistachio, to take over for a half century or so There is a dark undertone, a minority opinion that a man of the people may very well be able to die just like the people, and so could possibly need replacing. Were this a monarchy of some sort then the matter would be simple, the next Castro in line would take power, possibly Raul or one of Fidel’s offspring. However Cuba is a communist paradise and not in the least bit prone to oligarchic operations. In all likelihood should Fidel Castro need to be replaced on a permanent basis then there would be free and fair elections where the people of Cuba would vote for who they’re told to vote for. Not that Fidel Castro is at risk of dying. If anything he would be undertaking a special long-term project, such as kicking the Americans out of Guantanamo Bay, teaching everyone there who remains about the glories of Communism and building a socialist theme park named either Castroworld or Happy Havana Haven. Or quite possibly hunting down Bill Clinton and teaching him how to really play good sax. Reporting from deep inside Havana as the super special guest of Fidel, Raul, and the whole extended Castro family has been a pleasure unlike any other and certainly better than anything that the preening poseur Kim Jong Il could possibly throw together.
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