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Last week's NewsNews article for the week of 7/17/07. The Search for Atlantis
XIV: Yet Another Strong Lead and We Make More Enemies Once more fortune seems to be shining on us, I’m just not sure it’s good fortune. South America is yielding a lot of evidence that Atlantis is somewhere nearby. I mentioned blue crystals last time, well forget them. Turns out its some sort of experiment in breeding Smurfs. Not that it disproves anything, for all we know ancient Atlantians were into breeding small blue creatures that always wear hats, only normally wear pants and sing aimless tunes. However even if we started out on the wrong foot things seem to be going relatively well. We’ve found some sort of ruin thingy with markings that don’t fit with anything else on the continent. Everyone was ecstatic with joy, even me, which pretty much automatically meant that it was destined to lead to doom and gloom. First problem is that said ruins are vast, vast, vast and underground. And surrounded by jungle and cattle ranches. There are obvious problems with the environmentalists, nothing involving a rainforest can escape them. They don’t want the jungle dug up any more than it already does. And we’ve already had a run in with them. On a recent outing to a restaurant three of us ordered giraffe. It was really nice, but we all thought it was imported giraffe. From Canada or somewhere we were told. Not that this went over any better with those vegetarian freaks any. The cattle ranchers aren’t any better. They don’t want their land dug up but wouldn’t mind seeing more rainforest bowled over so they could “coincidentally” expand their holdings into newly cleared land. My headache began when one of our “experts” suggested beaming into or out of the site. I think I got a nosebleed when another one of these damn science fiction geeks suggested making changes to avoid the events of “Alien vs. Predator”, just on the off chance that it’s a buried pyramid. That isn’t the second problem. That has turned up in our inability to hire local workers. It turns out that seven in ten Brazilians is a Star Trek fan to one degree or another. And most of them love the Voyager series. One ill thought comment about how Janeway was promoted to Admiral just to keep her from getting lost on the opposite side of the galaxy all over again and our entire workforce quit due to the insult or in sympathy. So now we’re up against environmentalists who are threatening to bring Sean Penn in on their side, cattle ranchers who want to help too much, the stupidity of the smartest people on our team, and the distinct possibility that I, as the nearest thing to an outsider left, will have to dig this thing out all by my self. Dear God, they’re bringing me a shovel.
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