Last week's News

News article for the week of 2/14/07.

Alf Facing Legal Battle
By, Grey Entertainment

Gordon Shumway, also known as Alf of the famous sitcom of the same name has announced through lawyers that he is facing a legal challenge mounted by cats relating to charges of genocide, and shockingly enough cannibalism.
The former 80’s heartthrob dropped out of sight five years after his sitcom was cancelled, indulging in the infamous “Half Decade Vacation” with Brat Packers, Judd Nelson and Emilio Estevez, party girl Bea Arthur, fading starlet Molly Ringwald and Kegmeister Leonard Nimoy which saw the ruin of five hotels, seven clubs, ten bars, three strip clubs, four male strippers, Seattle and the careers of all but Nimoy. Though a TV movie was made soon after this Alf dropped completely off the radar by moving to Sri Lanka and generally avoiding the public eye.
Now it comes out that the aging Alf, sporting bald spots on his head, lower back and elbows, has been indulging in some unseemly past times.
With the backing of the Sri Lankan government a consortium of cats have launched a legal action against Alf on the premise of evidence that he has been eating as many as five cats per week.
While this unusual eating habit was a rich source of comedic material within the sitcom, Shumway’s cat habit was the bane of his private life, blamed by many for the break-up of multiple relationships, most notably his intense three month affair with Madonna.
After being caught purchasing two litters of kittens in a back ally in San Francisco Gordon Shumway came clean with his addiction, stating that while it was not a chemical dependency it was a strong emotional compulsion, and booked himself into a Betty Ford clinic. After announcing a recovery in the late nineties Alf moved to Sri Lanka, claiming that the climate was more suitable for his health.
Fans of Alf are split, many are outraged that a beloved TV star has been shackled and place in what they consider a Third World Dungeon on the trumped up charges of a bunch of felines.
Equally as many are outraged that someone has used their relative fame and wealth to get away with this sort of thing for so long, and wish him to be prosecuted to the fullest extent of the law, possibly even extradited to another country with stricter penalties as Sri Lankan authorities are rumoured to be considering a heavy fine if the conviction goes through rather than jail time.
Almost forgotten is the cannibalism charge, based on the considerable likelihood that Alf is in fact a cat, since tests to prove he is either an aardvark or dog have come back negative.
Shumway has always been ambiguous about his ethnic heritage, frequently citing family origins in Wisconsin, Brooklyn and even Buenos Aries, while claiming ancestral ties to Berlin, Germany; Liverpool, England, Hong Kong, Tokyo and Johannesburg.
Should he be convicted of cannibalism it would be enough to prove to the world that he is indeed a cat, and kill off the lucrative trade in Alf merchandise.