Last week's News
News article for the week of 2/1/07.
Deaths Linked to Candid
By, Grey News
After a horror movie marathon at the FBI Social Club it has been announced
that casual photography is the leading course of horrific murders.
Inspired by several movies FBI agents went back over several cases that
were largely unsolved and checked to see if any recent victims of horrific
murder had unusually marred or disfigured photographs.
Sure enough the case of an as yet unnamed mother of three who had been
stabbed in the liver with giant pinking sheers, dipped in egg, lightly
flowered, tied to the front of a grizzly bear and driven off a cliff into
a section of the ocean being used as Angelina Jolie’s giant underwater
birthing practice pool turned up with marred photos.
All non professional photos taken of this woman since August 2003 lacked
her face. Almost as if they had been burned out with a small round thing
about the size of a cigarette.
The FBI immediately released the woman’s chain smoking, grizzly bear handling
husband and declared that she had been killed by a vengeful supernatural
force that did not like the idea of Angelina Jolie breeding.
Consequently the FBI has many suspects but no solid leads.
Even as we speak police and the FBI are checking cold cases and current
murders to see if there are any marred photos.
Three other cases have turned up pictures of victims with their pictures
warped, though oddly enough only in casual photos, not those staged for
promotional or personal reasons, such as the actor whose black and white
glossies were fine, but everything from his days as an understudy to a
Ronald McDonald actor had his face cut out.
Critics claim that much of this new lead is based upon the movie “The
Ring”, which scares the bejesus out of sixty two percent of all viewers,
leading to the three hundred percent increase in bejesus transplants and
bejesus replacement therapies in the Western world.
The FBI has countered this with a substantial among of hard evidence,
such as Charles Manson’s repeated statements during interviews and interrogations,
all to the effect of “It’s the photos, the photos, all in the photos.”
This may be an indication that Manson, along with many others deemed criminally
insane, may in fact be innocent and due for release and compensation.
When one critic of the new photographic leads asked who would want to
live in a neighbourhood with Charles Manson a Rehabilitationist pointed
out that this was the sort of attitude that could cause the “so called”
mass murderers to fulfil people’s expectations, becoming the monsters
they are accused of being just because it was what was expected of them,
as has happened with Vice-President Dick Cheney.
Despite a few critics the FBI is confident that up to thirty percent of
all outstanding murders can be resolved within the next two years.
Unfortunately since the law does not yet recognise vengeful supernatural
entities, and they are notoriously difficult to apprehend and put on trial,
simple resolution will have to suffice for the survivors of victims.