Last week's News
News article for the week of 11/30/06.
Not So Jolly
By, Grey Events
With Thanksgiving and Weasel Stomping Day out of the way attention is
turning to the steady approach of Christmas. With the public’s attention
firmly on the holiday sponsored by Coco Cola the frenzied shopping has
begun. The only dampened spirits belong to the small group of forecasters
attempting to determine just how jolly things will get.
The International Jolly Institute (IJI) has been monitoring world jolliness
levels since late September, the primary monitoring season for Christmas
by Santa Claus.
While most people associate Christmas cheer with the people around them,
from family to cashiers, the truth is far more complicated.
According to the main IJI centre in Manchester Santa Claus’ own attitudes
affect world jolly levels rather than the other way around.
A mere forty two percent of all Christmas cheer is generated by the public
worldwide. This is an average number prone to change based on attitudes
and world mood. At times of increased general merriment – such as when
the Berlin Wall came down – or despair – the year the Christmas Macarena
came out – the actual figure can rise or fall by as much as six percent.
Apparently this year’s cheer is holding at thirty nine percent, low, though
not a record, it means that sixty one percent of the jolly factor must
come from Santa.
This means that the Santa cheer factor is even more important.
Monitoring stations in England, Norway, Canada and Japan have conflicting
reports, while the few southern stations, located primarily in Australia
and Brazil, are contradictory again.
According to the closest station in Norway Santa’s jolly levels are at
an all time high, ensuring gifts for all.
Stations in London and Canada tell another story, one of moderate jolly
levels, that leave the final fate of Christmas up in the air.
Japan however claims record lows, while Australia is certain that Santa
has finally given in to his dream and become Darth Clause, complete with
a black helmet.
Brazilian IJI centres on the other hand are certain that Santa is heavily
depressed and planning on throwing it all in to manage a Starbucks in
With confusing and contradictory information flying around everywhere
a clear picture is difficult to achieve.
Analysts working for the UN believe that Norway has the clearer picture
by virtue of being close to Claus’ Arctic base.
The believe that the troubles in Jerusalem, hometown of his Yuletide rival
Jesus has buoyed his spirits in much the same way the East Coast rappers
recently received a moral boost when a small, renegade volcano erupted
in a West Coast night club.
Other believe the opposite is true, with the recent, little publicised
reconciliation between the Son of God and Kris Kringle.
Under these circumstance sources close Santa state that the Japanese may
have a more accurate picture, Norway’s data skewed by proximity.
Official word from the North Pole indicates that the naughty list is considerably
longer than in previous years, something that has been a clear indication
of low jolly levels in the past.
Unsurprisingly George W. Bush, Mel Gibson, Saddam Hussein, Uwe Boll and
Tori Spelling are on the naughty list. However one elf who spoke on condition
of anonymity stated that Muhammad Ali was extremely close to being put
on the naughty list, indicating a dire festive season ahead.