Last week's News
News article for the week of 7/25/06.
Weasels Held Hostage, Dynamite
Strapped to Badgers
By, Grey Events
In a shock move that may have far reaching long term international repercussions
a splinter faction of a select group of a rebel cell of the far wing of
. . . well no one can be sure right now and no one really wants to claim
something like this anyway.
During a recent victory celebrations of the World Cup in Berlin a small
band of troops, or whatever, from this renegade faction of a whatever
managed to steal two dozen live weasels and hold them to ransom.
The act has been made all the more insidious by the use of badgers and
dynamite as the threat.
Unusual for the use of badgers in a hostage situation, these animals appear
to be as much victims as the weasels themselves, as the dynamite has been
placed on their backs, a spot notoriously uncomfortable for badgers and
thus not something they would ordinarily chose to do.
Demands have been delivered by videotape, and have proven to be largely
incoherent. A masked individual wearing sunglasses and last yearís summer
style of ball gown appears and shouts something about brotherhood, peace,
unity and extra chocolate pudding on Sundays or else the consequences
will be war, horror, death and an end to vanilla custard.
The language used in the five tapes delivered so far varies from broken
English to Mexican Spanish and includes a dose of Greek just to spice
things up a little.
Analysis of the tape indicates that it is an ex-rental of some sort that
was never fully rewound.
By all appearances the weasels are unharmed, though they are being kept
in a cage dangling over a pool of what looks to be Pepsi containing sharks.
If these are the same sharks that were abducted from a Vancouver aquarium
several weeks ago they are in poor shape indeed. Dates on the tapes indicate
they have been in that pool for seven straight days and technically should
have been dissolved by now. Speculation that these sharks are mutants
has grown recently, especially once a detailed examination of the third
tape showed one shark enjoying itself.
A simpler explanation may be that the sharks are now insane, lost to all
and doomed never to rejoin society. If so the weasels are not likely to
fare any better and the badgers may have the sweet end of the deal.
On freelance negotiator consulted on the case said that this work was
unusual in itís cruelty to animals and utter lack of coherent communications,
indicating that Ted Turner may be involved.
Turner has denied any links to the hostage drama, though did indicate
that several recently terminated employees may be mimicking his style
in effort to cast blame upon him.
The Dixie Chix have gone on record as saying this is the clearest sign
to date that American armed forces should withdraw from Iraq.
In a counter statement, Alice Cooper said this was the clearest sign to
date that the population of North America should move en mass to Australia
to take advantage of the cheaper land prices and the use of kangaroos
Finally Animal Rights groups bitched about the safety of the weasels,
badgers, sharks and what is assumed to be an Emu making waffles.