Last week's News
News article for the week of 7/4/06.
Truth About Jimmy
By, Grey News
While not the mystery breaker of the decade that everyone wanted, recent
news regarding Jimmy Hoffa may well reveal many truths about the union
kingpin and part time choreographer.
Little news has come out of the supposed burial site since excavation
and examination began earlier this year, what new information there is
comes from the recent cloning of Hoffa from a combination of left over
biological material (not originally disclosed but now revealed to be toenail
clippings and material salvaged from shaving scum).
The original plan behind this clone is uncertain, Hoffa’s living relatives
have proven themselves to be highly cunning, enough so they can provide
for themselves, and not nearly imaginative enough to become involved in
any cloning scheme.
Those who created the clone have remained cloaked in shadows, and the
Hoffa Clone himself is trying desperately to remain silent, not an easy
task considering how the mysteries are being revealed.
First of all it turns out that Hoffa had a rather large loan with several
Italian-American business people involved in the garbage business, a loan
with ongoing compound interest that has been slowly accumulating until
irrefutable proof that Hoffa was dead surfaced.
Hoffa Clone is now liable for that loan.
Additionally it turns out that the original Hoffa made a rather foolish
bet with a certain colonel of Southern extraction about how long a certain
chain of chicken restaurants would last. This Southern colonel is theoretically
as dead as Hoffa the Original, however he is alive and still taking his
bets very seriously.
The precise terms of the bet are uncertain, though the consequence is
that Hoffa, clone or otherwise, must perform the chicken dance at the
Superbowl in the company of Shelly Winters.
Being dead herself may slow Winters down, however she always was a sucker
for a good bet.
Equally stunning is the news that Hoffa Clone is also liable for all the
fines accumulated by the original.
The number of parking tickets, speeding fines and public nudity fines
are stunning enough, more surprising still is that there are a significant
number of citations for attempting to steal candy from minors.
Hoffa’s living family and close associates are appalled with this situation,
stating that Hoffa the Original would never have been caught trying to
steal candy from babies, he would have been smart enough and quick enough
to be able to take that candy and never be caught.
All the same Hoffa Clone is being held accountable for these offences,
miscalculations and misjudgements. That he presently possesses the intellect
of a nine year old has been deemed immaterial as the Italian-American
businessmen who are engaged in no illegal activities whatsoever and the
Southern colonel consider the original to have had the mentality of a
ten year old with bad table manners.
Apparently Hoffa Clone’s ability to use a napkin may well have doomed
His only hope is that the mouldering corpse buried under a barn is the
original Jimmy Hoffa and will take the rap instead.