Last week's News
News article for the week of 5/7/06.
Talking Immortal Monkey Released
By, Grey Events (Follow-up to Monkey
The Talking Immortal Monkey found residing in Michael Jackson’s Neverland
ranch has been released without permission from authorities, Michael Jackson,
Jackson’s lawyers, Jackson’s minders, Tarzan or even MacCauly Culkin who
came out two days ago as a friend to the Monkey.
Instead a radical animal rights group, The International Creature Consortium
Without A Cool Acronym (TICCWACA) has claimed credit for leaping into
action and liberating the Talking Immortal Monkey, who has proven to be
a bit of a bastard and refuses to shorten his title or take a more conventional
TICCWACA officials have stated that they were tired of “. . . watching
one of natures most unique creatures languish behind bars of cold iron
. . .” and a whole lot of other self righteous, flowery sounding stuff
that was a part of a seventeen page statement.
Basically they went and did what they thought was right and to hell with
Greenpeace, while stopping short of endorsing the group that referred
to it as “A monolithic, self aggrandising kindergarten”, has praised the
move for liberating both an animal and a sentient entity.
Most authorities are irked at being circumvented, however it was unlikely
that they ever could have kept the Talking Immortal Monkey in his Neverland
cage, partially because the property is being divided and sold off in
parcels to Disney, Pizza Hutt and undisclosed Morelock interests, also
because no zoo, circus, freak show or network would accept a talking Monkey
that could do nothing but be rude and a constant drain on resources.
To be fair Fox tried to conceive a talk show along the lines of The Howard
Stern Show, or, in desperation, something that featured Tom Green.
Remembering a certain movie medical authorities were probably most concerned,
especially as scientists have not yet fully explained how or why a monkey
can talk, let alone become immortal.
To the relief of many the Talking Immortal Monkey has declared in it’s
first statements that it is most definitely not Rage infected, nor is
he carrying any other communicable disease that may lead to zombiefication,
mutation or an acceptance of Joan Rivers as a legitimate celebrity.
Talking Immortal Monkey has even generously stood still and been quiet
enough to undergo medical tests to verify this statement.
TICCWACA has denounced this as the “branding of an otherwise innocent
entity simply because of a few individualistic traits”.
For now the Talking Immortal Monkey seems to be considering his options.
Already a minor celebrity the areas of acting, music or MTV are open to
him, possibly even politics if he does not want to take anything seriously.
Most TV networks consider the Talking Immortal Monkey to be too much of
a potential liability while under the TICCWACA wing. So far the group
has managed to hijack every press conference and interview the Talking
Immortal Monkey has attended so losing his liberators may be on the agenda.
Swearing to learn from the mobile disaster that is Michael Jackson the
Talking Immortal Monkey is determined to make a name for himself without
becoming a wandering freak show.
In as much as a Talking Immortal Monkey, held by a celebrity, liberated
by environuts and taking Davey Crockett in his moose baiting years as
a personal role model can be less of a freak show.