Last week's News

News article for the week of 2/20/06.

Space Race : Invasion to Secure Fossil Fuels
By, Grey News

This sounds like the sort of headline that should be associated with Grey Xphile, and to tell the truth this is based on one of his pieces. Don’t ask which one, they all sound the same to me.
Evidence uncovered by Grey Xphile shows that the faint stirrings of a new space race between china and the US is in fact an attempt at a land grab on the moon with the intent to secure the energy reserves in the form of oil, black gold, Texas T and soon to be known as Moon’s Shine if the evidence is anything to go by.
With fossil fuel reserves on Earth expected to run out in only a few decades both nations are searching for new sources.
The geology of China means that it is possible to squeeze oil from the ground, with some difficulty, and from it’s people, with a little less difficulty using current Communist Party methods.
The US could implement similar plans, however biofuels would be much more efficient to produce than the juicing of couch potatoes.
Consequently both sides are racing to build a new lunar base and gas station.
No one expects much resistance from environmental groups since there is no environment to speak of and the few trees residing on the Moon have repeatedly stated their objections to being hugged by arming themselves with nice, big guns.
Similarly with the entire lunar body unclaimed by any Earthly nation, at least until Disney completes it’s hostile takeover of Guatemala, corporations and government bodies relish the opportunity to operate with minimal constraint.
Moonmen representatives had no comment beyond “What the fudge?”
Development is slow at the moment, with the US forced to fund numerous, costly programs aimed at containing terrorists and American Idol failures, and China’s uncertainty regarding political reliabilities on in an isolated location surrounded by armed trees.
What makes this truly Grey Xphile’s turf is that the competition between these two nations is nonexistent. While not exactly working together they are working at cross purposes to achieve the goal of lunar domination before any of the snotty upstart nations get a chance to beat them to it, or that wussy UN organisation tries to force them to share.
It sounds ridiculous, I know, anyone expecting that the UN would be effective at anything would normally be checked into a mental institution, but I’ve seen the memos and they look damn convincing.
While this information may seem trivial, welcome in fact since it eases any energy issues for the near future, we must consider the wider implications.
The pollution, the traffic, the fact that work is very definitely moving out of the country.
SUVs, decades upon decades of SUVs.
Also consider the transport issues. Shipping thousands and thousands of tons of oil by rocket that is essentially going to fall to Earth. Anything that happens at any point is going to make the Exxon Valdez look like a spot of tea on the good linen.
So we must put a stop to these ambitions, and, dare I say it, take Grey Xphile seriously.
I so need a shower now.


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