Last week's News

News article for the week of 11/6/05.

Shark Versus Whale
By, Grey Environment

The laws for traveling international waters used to be a lot simpler, everyone stayed out of everyone else’s way and neither side bothered the other enough to look back. Unless of course one of you were a pirate.
Now things have become more complex, increased shipping, crowded waters, the incident involving a three hour tour, the bureaucracy and regulations issued by every nation, organization and fan club has made navigation the act of an accountant rather than an experienced sea salt.
Nothing illustrates this more than the recent law suite against a Mako shark touring the South Seas issued by a Humpback whale. These two collided after failing to make adequate signaling, the whale claims the shark is liable.
Sharks everywhere are shocked, as the oceanic traffic codes clearly have stated for the last sixty years that everyone, without exception is to veer to the right (or starboard in naval terms).
Sharks have been especially diligent in following this rule in nonhunting situations, owing to a distinct lack of popular support.
Indeed, some witnesses claim that the whale is at fault for failing to swerve at all, instead continuing on its course at full speed in violation of every regulation and even common courtesy. This view is not well received, owing the relative popularity of whales over sharks.
This situation could easily have led to the collision described, with the shark impacting on the whale’s left. The shark would have expected her opposite number to help avoid the collision. Without this assistance neither would have enough room to maneuver.
Regardless the whale is pressing its suit, most likely expecting the generally poor reputations of sharks to be a boon in this case.
The worldwide sympathy towards whales, even though sharks pose them no threat, “will likely tip the scales of justice in this instance”, legal experts state.
Sharks are considering protesting, especially if the trial goes against them. Though any large gathering of sharks has historically gone bad irrelevant of intentions.
Undeterred sharks refuse to bow to “whale egotism”.
Several more militant minded sharks are not waiting for a verdict before calling for a campaign of violence. “For too long we have denied our nature for nothing more than cheap PR,” said one shark spokesman. “We are the top predators in the ocean, with a reputation for skill and lethality. It is time that we wield this reputation with pride, for it is our nature, rather than be shamed for simply being what we are.”
More moderate sharks have tried to play down these sentiments as the ravings of a vocal minority. However studies of late show that most sharks resent the negative perceptions of their kind due to nothing more than nature.
Adding to the controversy are reports that ex-IRA knee cappers have been hired to expand the repertoire of shark skills against whales specifically.
When one kneecapper was asked how he could possibly make a difference against creatures that lack knees he derided the idea, stating “They’re mammals, they have to have knees somewhere, even if it’s under their beds”.
Whales have hardly helped matters, having suddenly found the need to lock their beds in bank vaults. Some have even provoked the matter with statements advocating mammal dominance over the lowly fish.

 Really Pathetic Productions 2005 ©