Last week's News
News article for the week of 8/13/05.
Terrorists Alter Tactics
By, Grey News
After the recent London bombings the world has watched and waited with
dire anticipation of the next attack. Through sources that wish to remain
anonymous the world has learned that the foul terrorists who bomb innocent
buses and trains are beginning to get desperate.
Apparently disappointed with the utter lack of reaction from the British
the change in tactics may have dire consequences for the world.
It is thought to be a major miscalculation on the part of the terrorists
to bomb London in the first place. Whereas the United States had not previously
faced a recent assault on itís territory by an outside agency and Continental
Europe is used to far more negotiation the British, in particular the
inhabitants of London, have been facing bombs from varying sources for
nearly a Century.
If the concentrated bombing of the Nazis or the exploding post boxes of
the IRA are not going to make them flinch neither is an exploding train.
Unfortunately it seems that the terrorists have finally realized this
and have thus altered their tactics to something that will even frighten
the British: English cooking.
Experts have long predicted that terrorists would turn to biological warfare,
though they now admit that even they thought the terrorists would have
The British themselves are stiffening their upper lips in traditional
fashion. Some even hope that Spotted Dick, Black Pudding and Fish and
Chips will be the primary weapons.
Such is unlikely to be the case. Reports out of renegade splinter groups,
disgusted with the use of Oxtail soup and pickled herring, tell of unspeakable
abominations, the merging of kippers with custard, excessive use of turnips
and concoctions that no amount of salt or pepper can cure.
Meanwhile the British government is considering armed guards around key
curry shops. Traditional takeaway venues will receive extra security,
with all personnel undergoing though background checks.
One move that has chilled US-UK relations slightly has been the revelation
that all McDonalds and KFC outlets will be watched. Officially this is
not due to any suspicions of collaboration, no one expects any self-respecting
terrorist to team up with a clown or a Southern Dandy. Unofficially it
has been stated that these moves have been made because of suspicions
that both McDonalds and KFC will attempt to take advantage of this situation,
much as has-been music stars have tried to take advantage of 9/11.
Adding pressure to the situation are those members of various governments
who are considering using this tactic themselves, employing those with
knowledge of traditional English cooking to devastating effect.
Whether this leads to a new arms race is debatable, though one thing remains
clear, the genie is out of the bottle on this one.