Past Entertainment Articles.

Article for the week of 5/8/05

Freak Incident Mars Sudden Death Air Hockey
By Grey Sports

A shocking accident occurred over the weekend when a death occurred in a regional Competitive Sudden Death Air Hockey Tournament.
One of the top ranked players, Jerome Jefferson, was in the middle of a heated match with his closest rival Fiona Mackelway when the puck suddenly became airborne as the result of what officials claim is a one in a million shot.
According to eyewitnesses Mackelway delivered an exceptionally strong shot, one that sent the puck several inches into the air. Jefferson, being a strong player with quick reflexes managed a return shot that sent the puck higher.
At that point Mackelway claims she reverted to her training and survival instinct to smash the puck back.
Jefferson, always described as a mouth breather even by friends, accidentally swallowed the puck, which became lodged in his throat causing him to suffocate.
Medics attempted to save Jefferson but were hindered by the fact that the puck was still “live” and therefore likely to explode at a wrong move.
Adding to the trouble was a curious malfunction that meant that the puck could not be disarmed. A thorough search of the systems after the incident show that a rat infestation within the stadium itself had destroyed many of the control systems.
In any case Fiona Mackelway was declared the victor by dint of survival, as allowed in the rules, even if this case was somewhat unorthodox.
Fans are outraged at this turn of events, leading many to speculate that a conspiracy was involved to ensure a victory for Mackelway.
For her part Mackelway has appeared on camera with more tears than Nancy Kerrigan, protesting her innocence and her horror at this turn of events. Fiona even went as far as dedicating her next five victories to her dead opponent.
Adding to the speculations of conspiracy is the belief that had officials truly wanted to help they could have “soft detonated” the puck, destroying the puck and leaving Jefferson largely unharmed, rather than detonating the entire explosives package and decapitating Jefferson then and there.
Officials have been quick to point out that there is not “soft detonation” option in this game since an accidental explosion of this type destroyed the puck half way through a match. This led the contestants, ironically enough including Jefferson, to resolve the victory by fistfight, leading to the removal of the smaller explosives package.
Parents groups have seized upon this incident to again try to eliminate Sudden Death Air Hockey, claiming that it once again stirs up aggression and promotes violence. The occasional death is seen as symptomatic of the larger problem.
Promoters and officials have slammed these groups as “ . . .a bunch of overprotective, namby pamby, left arm saluting Mommies who can’t understand that a few bright explosions are good for kids.”


 Really Pathetic Productions 2005 ©