Past Entertainment Articles.

Article for the week of 3/26/05

Alf Off Life Support
By Grey News

As the debate begins between Right to Life and Right to Death groups in the United States another being is slowly being taken off of life support by friends and family, only to have another groups of friends and family wanting to maintain that equipment and his life.
Alf, sitcom star, furry, cat addicts, womanizer, a fast living actor who’s reputation never landed him in too much trouble owing to his winning personality and willingness to go out on a limb for almost any charitable causes.
Because of Alf orphans who used to sleep on cold, hard floors now have dank mattresses and thin blankets. Because of Alf no one needed to call Rosanne to sing the National Anthem again. Ever.
Unfortunately it was his charitable nature and a newfound change of lifestyle that landed him on total life-support, with no one entirely certain if he is conscious or not.
At a press conference where he was to dedicate the “Alf Child Cancer Wing” at Florida State Hospital he was hit in the nose with baseball that came flying from a nearby park. This might not have been so bad had the aluminium baseball bat flying after it had not landed right between his eyes.
The irony is that he had just joked about diving after a nearby cat. Had he given in to this urge it is possible that he might not have been hit at all.
For the past three years Alf has been bedridden, unable to communicate outside of grunts that doctors claim may simply be reflexive.
Alf’s wife, Molly Ringwald-Shumway, has been working with experts for years to determine if he is alive. Coming to the sad conclusion that there is no means for Alf to live a full and productive life.
Unfortunately at the time of the accident Alf was working on a new TV series with his old cast mates. Tentatively named “Alf: The Golden Years”, this series would have been set with the same family, with the parents in a Florida rest home, desperately keeping Alf a secret.
While these sorts of medical conditions are the purview of family members TV execs and the actors have banded around a surprise Alf lovechild, Brian.
Brian has not used his birth name in years, preferring the name of his character as if bought him closer to his father. Now older and wanting to work with his father again he is agitating for the continuation of the series, claiming that anything Christopher Reeves can do, Alf can do to.
Thus two sides have been pitted against each other, though in far less of a media frenzy due in part to Alf, who’s liberal politics were probably best defined by a series of photos wherein he wore nothing by a tie, sunglasses and his full body fur. As such he has had no one come to bat for him. The League of Over Concerned Mothers is in fact maintaining a vigil outside his hospital window waiting for the moment he expires.
And so with debate raging far away from him it seems likely that this former 80’s icon is going to die a quiet death, with the only sound he shrieks for attention of those around him.