Past Entertainment

For the week of 6/23/09

Xphile’s Tapes XXVII: The Secret Hidden Behind Paris Hilton’s Nose
By Grey Xphile

People, I tell you, I get to find out some weird crap sometimes, but this time even I’m freaked out.
We all know Paris Hilton, eighth richest porn star in the world by virtue of inherited money rather than being good at what got her famous.
We all know she’s a whore of very sort, sex, drugs, fame, camera, tennis, whore of them all. Sorry for the language, I’m using it in the technical sense.
We all know she’s pretty damn unattractive but that she wears enough paint and has more FX artists working for her than George Lucas so while she ain’t pretty she exudes and aura of hotness.
It turns out there’s something more.
A botched sweet sixteen nosejob that can’t be improved upon is the first thing people notice. That honker casts a shadow across her face that no radar, heat sensor or anything can penetrate it.
While not the largest nose to cast a sensor baffling shadow it is probably the most powerful.
Does anyone think that the single largest attention craving ego to mate itself to wealth is going to just let an advantage like that slide?
I certainly didn’t.
My sources told me that it was a government currently using the nose shadow, family being unwilling to utilise something so powerful so close to home, and having ordered Paris not to enter into a deal with potential competitors.
The unnaturally pristine condition of Paris’ skin has allowed for a number of modifications, because everything looks artificial anyway camouflage terrain can cover heavy construction without concern for looking out of place.
What lies benethe has been deadened with too many botox treatments, so laying in underground construction is happening with ease, needing only to divert major causeways before laying down installations.
So what is it that could be so horrible on Paris Hilton’s face?
Like I said, government stuff. Stuff that changes your perception of who owns what where and why now.
I won’t say exactly how I found out, let’s just say that it involves construction workers and selling deep fried foods under conditions that would make an oil slick feel greasy.
At the time I thought it was all worth it. Now, I’m just uncomfortable.
It turns out that Barak “Golden Boy” Obama was using a secret base in the shadow of Paris Hilton’s nose to conduct super secret meetings. You know, the kind Bush used to have in his tree fort. Except scary competent instead of scary insane.
As it turns out the US government is in deep with McDonalds. Other corporations as well but I found out exactly what was up with McDonalds and it disgusted me.
Apparently Obama is conspiring with McDonalds to increase the consumption of US beef.
Nothing wrong with that you might say, they do sell hamburgers afterall, except that they’re putting beef into everything they can get away with to increase beef sales and stimulate the economy.
Beef injected into the fries, beef slurry forming the basis of the shakes, beef as the filling in hot apple pies!
It shouldn’t be a surprise, but, well, I can’t go on, I’ve got to throw up, but some of you may want to eat fast food more often to support farmers. Blech.
And all this under Paris Hilton’s nose.

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