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Article for the week of 9/18/08

Bible Belt Barbecuing with Britney and Lynne
By Puns Mckenna

With all of the famous cooking shows out there, we’re now beginning to see a new breed. The latest and greatest is “Bible Belt Barbecuing with Britney and Lynne”, a show starring pop diva Britney Spears and her mother Lynne.

Lynne, a retired school marm, has been trying to teach little Britney how to cook since she was ten. She shares with us, twice a week, since that’s all that Britney will allow her on the show, the wonders of her family kitchen. In this weeks first episode she breaks out the recipe box and makes her famous Kentucky Derby Potato Salad with Bleu Cheese and rutabagas. Meanwhile Britney prances around the backyard set in some skimpy little nothingness under a chef’s apron sporting her boys’ faces, wielding a pair of Velociraptor-esque barbecue tongs.

And what is the lovely Britney barbecuing for us, besides her lovely backside and rack of fat free ribs? Corn on the cob and baked beans. She still hasn’t figured out why those darn beans keep slipping through the grate, but if her colorful language is any indication she may be on her way to figuring it out. The scene cuts to both Britney and Mom in the house setting the table. Lynne has laid a wonderful spread. Beautiful china and elegant crystal glasses with fine linen napkins, tablecloth, and sterling silver utensils.

The camera pans in and shows us a closer look at the finery revealing the travesty of crass humor. The rings holding the napkins in their shape are miniature Kevin Federline’s. Apparently Britney just can’t let go of the man that was. The second dish they prepare together. Apparently they decided on a decadent desert, al la carte. They make this sort of key lime chocolate mouse parfait that looks absolutely delicious. And everyone can see that Britney’s mouth is watering.

In a sort of flippant manner, however, we hear Lynne admonishing her little Britney. “Now you know you can’t have that sweetie. A girl must maintain her figure if she’s going to remain a hot pop artist. People won’t buy your albums if you’re bouncing across the stage like a meatball.”

Later in the segment we see Britney wiping her eyes and muttering under her breath. When asked, she states that she has been cutting lemons, and as we all know… Lemons make people cry when you cut them. At that point she was told that you can’t make key lime chocolate mouse parfait with lemons. Afterall, it isn’t key lemon, right?

Though the first episode doesn’t look to be too promising, one can hope that the rest of the season will make the show a worthwhile profit. I wonder if the ratings are going to be as sweet as that decadent desert? I guess we’ll just have to stay tuned and find out. Afterall, a train wreck is still a train wreck no matter how good the eye candy is, right?

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