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Article for the week of 8/10/08

Lindsey Lohan Lesbian Scam
By Grey Entertainment

The third biggest mobile celebrity disaster Lindsey Lohan has been in headlines lately for her supposedly lesbian relationship with a girl whose name no one can remember.
Theoretically outed by her own father Lohan herself has been uncharacteristically silent on the matter, relatively speaking. So far there have been enough denials and confirmations flying about that Lohan’s younger sister is publishing a scorecard on a weekly basis.
The denials so far are slightly less solid and believable than those used by Tom Cruise, John Travolta or Grover, this does not make them any more or less real.
Interestingly enough the confirmations are all coming from close friends and family, hangers on who have found their entertainments drying up as Lohan’s career nose dives like . . . well . . . nothing else that’s been seen in showbiz.
Of course to attribute this to nothing more than rumour mongering by the crew to support their parasitic lifestyles is to discredit Lohan herself, a girl who’s previous lovers have referred to as “Firecrotch”, “An easier lay than your momma” and “a two bit hustler who’ll do anything to or with anyone for the right amount of attention and a slice of strawberry cheesecake.”
This is a woman capable of doing what she has to in order to remain in the spotlight. Much like Paris Hilton only strange and disturbing in a different direction.
Evidence uncovered by a number of reporters, mostly low rent Paparazzi and Washington Post goons, link Lohan, her “relationship” and the ensuing publicity to build momentum around an unstoppable Lohan publicity juggernaut by providing a steady stream of incredible and yet only marginally newsworthy stories.
How this is supposed to help her career is unknown, unending publicity has almost broken Britney Spears, Paris Hilton, onetime headline queen whose career was based on nothing more than a sex tape and a personality so vacuous it challenged deep space for lack of substance, is beginning to fade with nothing of note or worth occurring beyond a daily fashion show, and even the pioneer of this technique for maintaining a career, Doctor Madeline Albright, has faltered and started to fade after decades commanding headlines with strange hairstyles, inimitable dress sense and a penchant for nose art that never really took off publicly.
Relentless Lohan continues with this scheme, following the lesbian thing into the same chain of events that landed Ellen DeGeneres her talks show. Within another two months Lohan will also have stampeded gerbils through a Brad Pitt movie, and if she keeps to schedule there will be an extended period of ballroom dancing with David Letterman.
The projected Lohan talk show is anticipated to be bland. No surprises there. However sources, again much the same ones who’s remora behaviour depend on Lohan’s continued income, have stated that she will throw in a few of her own twists to land an revitalised acting career, and that we should keep watching the skis. Yes, skis. As in snow.

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