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Article for the week of 5/16/08

Simon Cowell Pondering Career Move
By, Grey Entertainment

Entertainment mogul, musical sponsor extraordinaire, foul mouthed judge of the world’s premier reality TV show, billionaire who’s own mother wants him dead and messed up, these titles and more are readily applied to Simon Cowell, most famous as the most caustic judge on American Idol, and yet he wants more.
It’s not enough to have an eye for talent, the ability to back musical money makers, or even appear on TV on a regular basis and do nothing but listen to wannabes and give a painfully honest opinion of their performance. Simon Cowell wants more.
Ordinarily this would be the beginning of a warning about a megalomaniac in training. Not this time.
As it turns out Cowell has some fairly specific ideas in regards to what he wants, indecisiveness has never been a problem for him, most of which centre on the upcoming Beijing Olympics.
Apparently Cowell wants to turn his hand towards judging sporting events. While the Olympics are not judged in the same manner American Idol is, Cowell is confident that he can turn his hand to the world’s biggest sporting event with little effort.
This explains the recent attendance of Cowell at various sporting events, he has, in essence, been in training, warming up and getting his mojo on for the sporting world.
Several weeks ago Cowell was at a Little League baseball match and started yelling and haranguing all the players.
He called the ref a “blind marmot with all the skill and talent of lemon rind”, shouted that the entire visiting team should be sent home to their fathers for lessons on how to run in high heels, and called the third baseman a whiney little nerd who only got where he is because his father’s the coach.
At first it was thought that he had a child in the game and was just being a normal parent, then people realised who he was.
Cowell has since moved up in the sporting world, harassing teen soccer, high school football, varsity basketball, amateur hockey, and is presently working on minor league football.
The trail of devastation has been likened to Hurricane Katrina, but with more long term effects. It is thought that two weekends, five careers, nine hobbies, one father-son relationship and two soccer moms have been utterly ruined with no hope of salvage.
It should be noted that at no point has Cowell officially contacted the Olympic committee, games organisers or Beijing about an official role in the games. The Chinese are especially worried yet are covering it well, for even with their vast army they cannot be certain of successfully facing off against Simon Cowell.
Which means that the Olympic Committee has no chance at all.
It is expected that this year’s Olympics will feature the most competitors running home crying since the 2004 Athens Olympics which went horribly awry when too much chlorine was put in the pools, the shoes and prawn cocktails.

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