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Article for the week of 4/7/08

Winfrey Gives Gift of LifeÖundead LIFE!
By, Puns McKenna
The recent loss of her beloved dog Sophia has struck daytime talk show host Oprah Winfrey close to the heart. Ms. Winfrey has decided to dedicate a show to the animal. Sophie was a prized pet, adopted from a breeder, however, her death has brought home to her owner the plight of puppy mills. Hundreds of dogs every year are euthanized because people donít go to shelters to adopt them. Is it their fault? Of course not!
These poor animals have a slim chance of finding a home during their lifetime. Well now their worries are over. These treasured pups get a second chance at finding good homes. When the shelters euthanize them, Oprah takes their bodies to a secret facility. According to her manager she intends to gift her viewers with the reanimated corpses on her upcoming shows.

Some would say this is a truly philanthropic gesture, others are worried. Worried that with the pups being deceased for a period of time, that there might be risk of disease. Many have questioned the sanity of such a project, but as of yet answers have not been forthcoming. Oprahís camp has been silent about this project, saying only that all will be revealed on the upcoming show.

Letís examine this strange turn of events, shall we? Okay, talk show hostís beloved pet of 13 years kicks the bucket. Understandably she is saddened by the loss. She has three other dogs, which she has gotten from breeders. But now sheís suddenly on a crusade for the rights of pupís everywhere. Iím not sure if she object merely to pups being adopted out to just any home, or if itís the fact that there are hundreds of pups that never see a home.

She says sheís reformed, but I wonder if sheís really converted. With all of her strange behavior over the last several years, itís obvious that sheís under some nefarious influence. My guess is that itís some evil necromancing taxidermist. Heís probably put her under some zombie spell. Either that or heís stuffed her and reanimated her corpse. Now thereís a disturbing thought. Hey, maybe thatís why sheís lost all that weight.

And now sheís doing her evil masterís bidding. Iím betting that the gift of deceased dogs is just a ploy to put mind control devices into peopleís homes. This evil genius, as they like to be called, wants to take over the world. And his evil necromancing plan is to use innocent viewers everywhere to begin his hostile take over of the world.

I guess trying to take over the world one ATM at a time got old. Now itís taking over the world one schnauzer at a time. Watch out viewers, Fifi doesnít really like her dog food anymore. Sheís after your brains.

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