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Article for the week of 3/31/08

Presidential candidates are all related
By, Cozmic
Rather recently it was discovered that presidential candidate Barack Obama was related to Brad Pitt, while the other democrat candidate Hillary Clinton was related very distantly to Angelina Jolie. In other words, they are both related to Brangelina in some way, famous not only for adopting small children wherever they go but also for that movie Mr. and Mrs. Smith, about two professional killers who are married and decide to kill one another. Yeah, I didn't watch it either, but those giant sellouts Atreyu contributed to the soundtrack back when they still had a shred of integrity and made music, and hitmen movies are always sort of fun, so perhaps I should, but that seems an awful big of a hassle, so maybe not.
Anyway, this discovery, if one could call it that, means that people are now fearing that the two will either try to murder one another (and one can already hear Bill hoping for this one) or go into the movie business, something which nobody would enjoy.
However, the business gets even more convoluted, like a bad plot in a bad(or really good, it is rather the same, don't you think?) daytime soap when it is revealed that Barack can call the current president, on totally different sides of his own beliefs, cousin!
And before anyone calls out that John McCain is Laura Bush's father's brother's cousins former room-mate, which would make him absolutely nothing, let me tell you that you're wrong. He's her distant cousin, so there's another one!
So what, besides that a bunch of old power-hungry rich-people are all inbred, does this mean? Well, for one it means that the first person to find a connection to the Gotti family or similar might gain an unfair edge at family dinner as he or she tries to off the weaker parts of “La Familia” to gain power for their own gain, and for another, it means we can hope those hacks in Hollywood can steal from real-life rather than copying ancient movies for the two-hundred-and-fifty-sixth time in a row, although the movie proper would probably still be horrible and dull.
Of course, it also adds just the slightest bit of more interest to the presidential election, as everyone wonders which cousin some random celebrity will endorse, or if said random celebrity will quickly walk away from their relatives, leaving them and their millions to fend for themselves. A statement along the lines of “Hi, Angelina, it's your cousin Hillary, could I borrow a few million dollars?” might very well enter the phone-lines as well, and one can only hope it would be a “no”. I mean, really, how many cousins do you keep track of? Of course, if they are famous, you can gain stuff from them, which is what this whole thing is about anyway. Well, that and that perhaps the next great meeting of the presidential candidates will be someone's next birthday party, who knows?

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