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Article for the week of 2/3/08

Culinary Killer Captured
By, Grey News (Culinary Killer on the Loose Killer strikes again! Killer continues to Baffle Investigators! Culinary Killer Cornered.)

The food-based killer using utter blandness to kill restaurant patrons and possibly target food critics, leading to that section of society to adopt vigilante tactics of limited effectiveness, has been found.
After much investigation it was discovered that rank outsider Fran Dresher was the killer.
Working as head waiter in a Sacramento restaurant called “Shreikers” since her acting career followed the same path as the cast of Friends and her production company made the sad mistake of backing Uwe Bol, Fran Dresher has become both the star attraction and bane of the restaurant business. A distinctive celebrity that no one can stand being around too long, her only strength is that she does not smell bad enough to put people off heir food. Of course no one wants to linger around someone who’s voice can cut their wine glasses.
Between job pressures and the lack of celebrity attention, despite doing all the desperate celebrity things like adopting a child (Fran made the mistake of adopting a Vietnamese orphan when African orphans were the in thing), and getting out of a car without underwear, an act that blinded several paparazzi.
For a while the heat was turned up on Christian Slater, sadly this was more of an attempt by Slater to remind people that he existed. Investigators found that he has mostly been spending nights at home, alone, playing Halo 3. It is expected that without attention he will begin once more fading out of existence, much like the middle child from Full House.
One key clue which was at first thought to be a deliberate attempt to mislead investigators was her trademark annoying laugh.
It was initially assumed that it was a cover to throw the blame on the nearly incompetent Dresher, after all why would the killer continually use her trademark laugh while committing crimes, no one could be that stupid. That was until it was discovered that no ordinary human could mimic that laugh without their throat collapsing and tongue exploding.
Fran was captured during a stakeout using four vigilante food critics as bait. This is the same group of critics who rode to ground the entire cast and crew of a reality TV cooking show involving high speed, high demand cooking with devices of torture, and while their identities are officially a secret they are also high visibility targets that the killer could not pass up.
Sure enough Fran turned up in the Miami restaurant and was so obvious and out of place that police swooped in and captured her before delivering a dessert so utterly bland that not even light can escape it’s surface, something that would have done in the unsuspecting critics after an excellent main course consisting of an unspecified beef dish supported by tomatoes and orchid flowers.
Reports on motive remain sketchy, ranging from an attempt to rekindle her career, recapture a degree of celebrity to simple hatred of people making her day job a living nightmare.
Truth be told we may never know the reason as no one can interview Dresher for more than five minutes before they bleed from the ears.

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