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Article for the week of 12/8/07

The Secret Shame Of Hugo Chavez
By, Grey Politics

Venezuelan president, neocommunist paragon, Latin lothario and former Baywatch extra Hugo Chavez has faced a number of setbacks of late.
Formerly riding high on a series of speeches based on Anti-American rhetoric and appeals to dissatisfaction over the limited screen time Venom had in Spiderman 3 Chavez has recently had a number of setbacks ranging from failing to enact laws that would have increased his grip on power to losing a fist fight to a drunk chimpanzee he normally beats easily in chess.
Negative press is even following him home to Venezuela, where his nominal control over media outlets typically paint him in a positive light.
These setbacks all have a common cause. As was recently revealed after nine years of in-depth investigation by Entertainment Tonight (they walked up and asked him, but boy what a walk) Hugo Chavez is the biological father of comedian David Spade.
Spade falsified his background back when Hollywood had a minor hatred of Latin Americans, but has recently started hinting about his true heritage by wearing a bandana and sporting a weak moustache, though the latter is due more to David Spade’s physiology rather than Latino stereotypes.
Chavez has reluctantly admitted the familial connection, something that has done little to hit his credibility in itself, modern cynicism expects that powerful politicians have a few illegitimate offspring lurking about, and if they have gained attention for something not involving illegal substances, court cases, or tell all books it softens the blow.
This one is especially fortunate since for one thing it ends speculation that Spade had been sired by Englebert Humperdink.
Instead the utter humiliation of being the biological father of the skinny white guy of comedy has Chavez distracted and damaged his credibility.
Jokes about recessive genes, wearing polo shirts, eating meatloaf and living in a trailer now hound the Venezuelan President, disrupting his socialist reputation and leading to rumours of a walk on in whatever sitcom Spade brings humour to next.
Reports from Chavez’s inner circle state that he is despondent. Instead of becoming the next great socialist leader in the Americas, like Fidel Castro, he fears becoming an impotent joke, like Fidel Castro.
Spade’s reputation is so far unaffected, The Department of Homeland Security, FBI and National Rifle Association are already investigating him for a connection to smuggling a small elephant on a British Airways flight into Detroit, so his parentage has not caused much of a stir.
Meanwhile Chavez is being heckled as “heavily tanned”, “twice the man of his son, in all three dimensions” and “Marv”.
Unused to anything harsher than the thorns on roses being thrown at his feet Chavez has yet to respond with a zinger more potent than “Yo mama”, costing him credibility and hampering the dissemination of the new socialism in Latin America, making this the most politically costly celebrity bastard story since it was revealed that Nancy Regan was Alf’s daughter.

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