Past Entertainment Articles.
Article for the week of 12/12/06
Attila The Hun Xmas Special
Going All Out
By, Grey Entertainment
When Attila the Hun, infamous leader, killer and various other things
that almost make Eddie Murphy look clean, announced that he was alive,
well and ready to do show tunes no one took him seriously.
After Zombie Mussolini’s attempted Easter Gala and the infamous 1940 Stalin
New Year’s Telethon most people in the industry are wary of Despot Holiday
Unlike most others Attila is not a zombie, something in his favour as
it means that limbs are much less likely to go flying during dance numbers
or other in opportune moments.
It also means no improvised humour ala Zombie Napoleon. I don’t care who
you are, “growing several feet” by sticking them to your shoulders with
toothpicks is not funny.
Additionally Attila strove to prove himself by working several off Broadway
plays, and a stint as an understudy in Cats.
Take note Stalin, this sort of preparation pays off in the long run.
In this case the pay off is big names for the Xmas Special.
Attila has apparently been planning a show like this for five decades,
and has kept a constantly updated list of which he wants, doing what and
While most of the details remain a closely guarded secret – not even the
Internet is considered a reliable source – the guest list is not.
So far Attila has successfully signed up Jay Leno as MC, has Kylie Minogue
doing two song and dance numbers, one of which may be the closer, Robbie
Williams will be doing his infamous impersonation of a singer, the Olson
Twins will perform their famous impersonation of being famous, and Haylee
Joel Osmont will be playing with loaded guns.
As a courtesy Attila has leaked a portion of his 1988 Dream List. Keep
in mind that some things would have looked better at the time, such as
the Ewok dancing troop, Optimus Prime’s monologue on being Jewish in the
trucking industry and Cindy Lauper in what has become Minogue’s role.
So highly anticipated is this event that some celebrities are clamouring
to take part.
Denzel Washington has voiced willingness to appear, however small the
role, Jennifer Aniston is rumoured to be ready to flash the audience if
it gets her on the stage, and Tom Cruise has promised not to be a complete
and utter nutter.
Naturally Attila is too careful to take any of these offers seriously,
wanting only those celebrities who have talents that can enhance the show,
rather than reducing true talents such as Washington to walk ons. Not
to mention the trouble that would ensue if Aniston did her bit and someone
lost an eye.
Preparations continue apace, Attila has chosen to have a fresh stage built
in the middle of Utah, trusting that conditions will be stable enough
for the show to go on, yet wisely making preparations to cover the entire
event with a giant tarp if need be.
With actions like this it may be that Attila the Hun is one of if not
the most misunderstood performers in history, second only to Brian Dennehey.