Past Entertainment Articles.
Article for the week of 11/20/05
Celebrity Baby Battles
By, Grey Entertainment
It was inevitable I suppose, between Brittany Spears, Jennifer Garner
and the persistent breeding habits of former popstars competition had
to break out between celebrities surrounding babies.
For the moment, producing the most offspring seems to be the main objective.
Limited to female celebrities of course, since there is no way anyone
is catching up to Mick Jager without some sort of viagra fueled marathon.
This contest has pitted Madonna, the new mother Brittany Spears and Victoria
Beckham against each other. So far Beckham is in the lead with three confirmed
children, though Spears and Madonna are both supposedly on fertility drugs
and are auditioning personal trainers after husband related failures.
Long odds favor Jennifer Garner however, who has something approaching
a normal relationship with Ben Affleck.
Natural rival Jennifer Lopez is trying to get into the competition, however
her track record with husbands is scaring away potential fathers. Though
many men would not mind going to bed with Lopez anything with long term
connections is simply terrifying to most.
Similarly while Katie Holmes may be pregnant it is unlikely that she will
get very far in the numbers game owing to Tom Cruise’s present lack of
off spring, shall we say.
Angelina Jolie has been disqualified, this competition will run purely
on natural births. Jolie has been philosophical about the matter, stating
that although adoptions may take far longer than natural births due to
the slight increase in paperwork, people such as herself can have multiple
applications at any one time.
Though there is much room for expansion of these speculations there is
very little actually happening at the moment.
The only major movements have been for celebrities to produce equally
Jodie Foster has removed herself from this one instantly, stating that
being a child star was one thing, being a child star parent of a child
star is something else entirely.
The blonde one from Friends has a distinct advantage, owing to the fact
that almost no one remembers who she is, giving her offspring a far shorter
path to travel.
Michael Jackson has claimed victory though no one is prepared to concede
defeat simply on the basis of being born to the weirdest human being with
Serious contenders are again Madonna and Brittany Spears. Also in the
running are Gwenyth Paltrow, Elle McPherson and strangely Demi Moore though
not Bruce Willis.
This latter discrepancy is seen as yet another sign that the former power
couple may seriously heat up legal action regarding the welfare of their
As we watch with a mixture of horror and fascination reminiscent of train
wreck spectators we can be sure of little, other than that gossip columnists
will never be out of work.