Monty Python!!

Hello! This is Gracie! Welcome to my Monty Python Page! Obviously, as you probably have noticed by now, we have a wide array of interests! Anyway, Vanessa and I are obssessed with "Monty Python and the Holy Grail", and various other Monty Python movies and acts as well, like "Life of Brain" and "Monty Python's Flying Circus." So, as you're reading this, keep in mind that both the Monty Python troop and the creators of this site have a wacky sense of humour. Don't get freaked!

This movie is one of my absolute favourite movies (though I'm still partial to Moulin Rouge.) It's about King Arthur who sets out to find the Holy Grail with Sir Lancelot, Sir Robin, Sir Galahad,Sir Bedevere and others I can't remember at the moment. They meet some wierd and sometimes confusing characters along the way. "You must cut down the tallest tree...with a herring!" (Long silence.........) Um, sorry, thats a qoute from the movie. ANYWHO, moving on! One of my favourite parts is when the townsfolk are trying to burn a witch.

VILLAGER: We have found a witch, may we burn her?

CROWD: BURN!! BUUUURN HER!

BEDEVERE: But how do you *know* she is a witch?

VILLAGER: She looks like one!

OTHER VILLAGERS: Yeah! She looks like one!!!

BEDEVERE: Bring her forward.

(a young woman is pushed through the crowd of villagers to the platform. She is dressed all in black, has a carrot tied around her face on top of her nose, and a black paper hat on her head. She talks funny because her nose is closed by the carrot.) WITCH: I'm not a witch, I'm not a witch!

BEDEVERE: Er,...but you are dressed as one.

WITCH: THEY dressed me up like this.

VILLAGERS: No! nooo! We didn't! We didn't!

WITCH: And this isn't my nose, it's a false one!

(Bedevere lifts up the carrot to reveal the woman's real nose, which is in fact rather small.)

BEDEVERE: Well?

ONE VILLAGER: Well, we did do the nose.

BEDEVERE: The nose?

VILLAGER: And the Hat. But she's a witch!

VILLAGERS: Yeah! Burn her! Burn! Burn her!

BEDEVERE: Did you dress her up like this?

VILLAGERS: NO! No, no, no, no, no, no...

ONE VILLAGER: yes.

VILLAGERS: yes. yes. yes. A bit. yes. a bit. a bit.

ANOTHER VILLAGER: (hopefully) She has got a wart...

BEDEVERE: What makes you think she is a witch?

VILLAGER: Well, She turned me into a newt!!

(pause)

BEDEVERE: a newt?

(long pause) VILLAGER: I got better...

VILLAGERS: BURN HER anyway! BURN! BURN! BURN HER!

BEDEVERE: Quiet, quiet, quiet, QUIET! There are ways of *telling* whether she is a witch!

VILLAGERS: Are there? What? Tell us, then! Tell us!

BEDEVERE: Tell me. What do you do with witches?

VILLAGERS: BUUUURN!!!!! BUUUUUURRRRNN!!!!! You BURN them!!!! BURN!!

BEDEVERE: And what do you burn apart from witches?

VILLAGER: More Witches!

OTHER VILLAGER: Wood.

BEDEVERE: So. Why do witches burn?

(long silence) (shuffling of feet by the villagers)

VILLAGER: (tentatively) Because they're made of.....wood?

BEDEVERE: Goooood!

OTHER VILLAGERS: oh yeah... oh....

BEDEVERE: So. How do we tell whether she is made of wood?

ONE VILLAGER: Build a bridge out of 'er!

BEDEVERE: Aah. But can you not also make bridges out of stone?

VILLAGERS: oh yeah. oh. umm...

BEDEVERE: Does wood sink in water?

ONE VILLAGER: No! No, no, it floats!

OTHER VILLAGER: Throw her into the pond!

VILLAGERS: yaaaaaa!

(when order is restored)

BEDEVERE: What also floats in water?

VILLAGER: Bread!

ANTOHER VILLAGER: Apples!

ANOTHER VILLAGER: Uh...very small rocks!

ANOTHER VILLAGER: Cider!

ANOTHER VILLAGER: Uh...great gravy!

ANOTHER VILLAGER: Cherries!

ANOTHER VILLAGER: Mud!

ANOTHER VILLAGER: Churches! Churches!

ANOTHER VILLAGER: Lead! Lead!

KING ARTHUR: A Duck!

VILLAGERS: (in amazement) ooooooh!

BEDEVERE: exACTly!

BEDEVERE: (to a villager) So, *logically*...

VILLAGER: (very slowly, with pauses between each word) If...she...weighs the same as a duck......she's made of wood.

BEDEVERE: and therefore...< (pause) VILLAGER: A Witch!

ALL VILLAGERS: A WITCH!

(Another long silence..........) ANYWHO, that was a WHOLE scene from the movie, word for word. How much of a dork am I? Notice the random bird in the picture below!

These are King Arthur and his Knights! My personal favourite is "Brave Knight Sir Robin"!

"Monty Python's Flying Circus" was one of Monty Python's greatest triumphs! They do a bunch of random sketches, such as "The Spanish Inquisition" "Institute of Funny Walks", "The Lumber-Jack" and of course, "The Dead Parrot"! All of the sketches are either hirlarious or highly offending, sometimes both! I highly recommend them! Following, is the script to the "Lumber jack" song. Enjoy! BARBAR: I never wanted to do this in the first place! I... I wanted to be...

A LUMBERJACK! (piano vamp)

Leaping from tree to tree! As they float down the mighty rivers of British Columbia! With my best girl by my side! The Larch! The Pine! The Giant Redwood tree! The Sequoia! The Little Whopping Rule Tree! We'd sing! Sing! Sing!

Oh, I'm a lumberjack, and I'm okay, I sleep all night and I work all day.

CHORUS: He's a lumberjack, and he's okay, He sleeps all night and he works all day.

BARBAR: I cut down trees, I eat my lunch, I go to the lavatree. On Wednesdays I go shoppin' And have buttered scones for tea.

MOUNTIES:: He cuts down trees, he eats his lunch, He goes to the lavatree. On Wednesdays he goes shoppin' And has buttered scones for tea.

CHORUS

BARBAR: I cut down trees, I skip and jump, I like to press wild flowers. I put on women's clothing, And hang around in bars.

MOUNTIES: He cuts down trees, he skips and jumps, He likes to press wild flowers. He puts on women's clothing And hangs around.... In bars???????

CHORUS

BARBAR: I chop down trees, I wear high heels, Suspenders and a bra. I wish I'd been a girlie Just like my dear mama.

MOUNTIES: He cuts down trees, he wears high heels Suspenders and a .... a Bra???? (mounties break off song, and begin insulting lumberjack)

GIRL: (crying) I thought you were so rugged!