Rated R for language and sexual situation.

Dedication to JASMINE, who wanted to see the flip side of the coin!!

Disappointed with the one-dimensional character portrayal Langdon has given Jan, I’ve decided to designate her as my “deep one.”

Song credits included in the text.

Carrie

(27) Broken Hearted

Tonight, Jan occupied herself with a self-manicure and pedicure. Drowning out the lonely silence with her favorite CD’s. After programming her favorite songs, she sat at the bar and poured herself drink. She blew on her fingernails, the lyrics of Fiona Apple’s “Sleep to Dream” igniting her rather suppressed and furious soul.

I have never been so insulted in all my life
I could swallow the seas to wash down all this pride
First you run like a fool just to be at my side
And now you run like a fool, but you just run to hide, and I can't abide

I got my feet on the ground and I don't go to sleep to dream
You got your head in the clouds and you're not at all what you seem
This mind, this body, and this voice cannot be stifled by your deviant ways
So don't forget what I told you, don't come around, I got my own hell to raiseharged past her. “Do you have any idea what has been going on behind our backs?”

She was doing well, she thought. Considering she saw the bastard everyday, she held it together quite convincingly. Until she decided to torture herself with music like this, triggering the pain all over again.

Jan grabbed the remote to hit the forward button. Next song please!

Which wasn’t a wise choice either….

Tori Amos’ “Tear In Your Hand”:

Caught a ride with the moon
I know I know you well
well better than I used to
Haze all clouded up my mind
In the daze of the why it could've never been
So you say and I say you know you're full of wish
And your "baby baby baby babies"
I tell you there're pieces of me you've never seen
Maybe she's just pieces of me you've never seen

Jan shut off her CD player. Tori was hitting home just a little too much. She was going to stay are far away from Rock Bottom tonight. No matter what it took.

Jan shuddered when she heard a pounding at her door. Heart racing, she checked the security monitor in the kitchen.

Of all people, Philip stood at the door, still pounding.

Which wasn’t TOO surprising.

She raced to the door as quickly as her pedicure padding would allow.

She unlocked her door and chain, “Philip, what brings you here?”

Philip, clearly irate, brushed past her. “I just saw something very interesting tonight.”

Jan blinked at him, knowing exactly what he was referring to.

“I just came from the video store where I saw Jason and….Chloe.” He ran his hands through his hair, still in disbelief.

Jan shut the door behind her, “I already know.”

“What? You actually knew about this?”

Jan nodded.

“How?”

“How do you think?”

“You mean this has been… for how long?”

“I don’t know, awhile I guess.”

“And you didn’t tell me. You of all people kept me in the dark.”

“I didn’t want to hurt your feelings.”

“I find that very hard to believe.”

Jan rolled her eyes and led Philip to the bar, “I figured you’d find out eventually.”

“I CAN’T BELIEVE THIS!” he shouted, pacing. “How long have they been doing this?”

Jan placed her feet on the empty stool next to remove her pedicure padding. “Quite awhile Kiriakis. There have been hints all along. We just didn’t pay attention… I mean you didn’t.”

“What the fuck is that supposed to mean?”

“I’m just saying.”

“Maybe I’m blind or something. But for me, this came out of NOWHERE.”

“I’ve had a feeling for long time. Nothing nagging, just…suspicious. Until one day, then I knew for sure.”

Philip held his hand up, begging for more info.

“I went over to Jason’s house one Saturday, and I found her in the hot tub WITH Jason.”

“What?”

“Yeah, but they had some kind of bullshit excuse about her tutoring him… I don’t know. Even his mother was in on it. And then there’s that time when I visited him when he was sick. He switched bedrooms, so he was in the attic. I went up there, thinking we were all alone. Until I left, which is when I saw her coat. She was HIDING in his room Phil. He looked me in the eye, and made some excuse that he was wiped out from his medication.”

Jan polished off her drink in its entirety without a trace of wincing.

“You’re not talking about that week he was out with the flu.”

“Yeah…”

Philip’s eyes fixated on the bottle in front of him. “I just realized something. I remember that night- I called him. He talked to me for awhile. But, he seemed kind of distracted. I was talking about school work, and he made some crack about recommending a tutor.”

“And it was your beloved Chloe along.”

Philip looked away, stung by her words. He seated himself in one of the free bar stools, absentmindedly removing his coat. He pointed to her drink, noticing the bottle came without a label. “What is that?”

Jan stood up to move behind the bar. She reached under that counter to retrieve a glass. “It’s my secret concoction. I reveal nothing. You want to try it?”

Philip nodded, “On the rocks.”

Jan gave him a slight smile as she catered to his request, “On the rocks? Come on Phil, where’s your edge?”

“I’M on edge Jan. I wouldn’t suggest making it any worse.”

“Whatever,” she responded dryly.

Deciding it was probably best to leave him alone for awhile, Jan went into the living room.

She returned several minutes later, only to find Philip deep in thought. From the looks of the half full bottle, he was getting a little help too. “You better slow down there, Philly. Don’t want to get ahead of yourself.”

“You’re in no position to talk Jan. What is this shit anyway? Jet fuel?”

Jan rolled her eyes and took the bottle away. “Really Philip. No offensive or anything, but I think I can handle my alcohol a little bit better than you- especially tonight.”

Philip slammed his glass on the counter, “Shut up and pour me another round, like NOW!”

Jan opened the bottle and poured, unhesitating. “Philip Kiriakis, is that you?” she asked sarcastically. “My God, I haven’t seen you in ages? Where’ve you been?”

Philip swallowed hard, “You hate her, always have. Why? Is it because she’s beautiful, intelligent, mysterious…gifted,” he added as a drunken afterthought.

“Don’t make me puke.”

Philip pointed to his glass, “Hit me again.”

Jan refilled his glass, “Other than the obvious reason of her taking my boyfriend… Well, let’s just say I see right through her. She’s selfish, manipulative, and FAKE. Fake from the get-go. That girl is desperate for attention.”

Philip crunched on his chunk of ice. “How do you know it wasn’t him?”

“Why are you defending her?” she asked, furious.

“I’m not!” he claimed.

Jan leaned across the counter towards him, “I never pegged you as the denial type.”

“I’m just saying…”

Jan cut him off, “How long did Jason and I go out for?”

“Forever.”

“And you and Chloe?”

Jan stared at him as he came to grips with the rather harsh reality.

In a swift, unexpected fit of rage, Philip hurled his glass at the counter behind Jan. Jan flinched, terrified by his sudden outburst. She covered her racing heart and turned away. Philip watched in shame as she began to pick up the broken remains.

“I’m sorry,” he offered softly.

Jan ignored him with he came from behind the counter. He stood next to her, towering her by nearly a foot. He touched her arm gently, “Jan, I’m really sorry.”

“Fuck you,” she answered curtly. “Go call your butler to have him pick your drunk ass up.”

“I didn’t mean to scare you.”

Jan remained silent as she continued to clean up the mess. She let out a frustrated sigh, “You’re not the only one who has lost someone Philip. I know it may be hard, but try not to forget that.”

“I know,” he mumbled. “Jan, stop. Let me clean this up. It’s my mess.”

Jan whipped around, eyes blazing. “Call Henderson.”

Philip shook his head. “No, I won’t.”

Jan reached for the phone on the counter, “Fine, I’ll call you a cab.”

Jan was on her forth digit when Philip whipped the phone out of her hand. “You’re not calling anyone.”

“You’re not staying here!”

Philip answered her with an impassioned kiss. Jan resisted wildly at first, eventually melting as it grew tender.

This kiss between them, it felt…understood.

“You better go,” she whispered upon his lips’ withdraw.

Philip shook his head again, “I’m not leaving. If we mourn, we mourn together. We were both betrayed.”

“I refuse to shed one tear over that bastard.”

Philip met her eyes, “Who said anything about shedding tears?”

Understood…

Jan felt her willpower give in as he pulled her hips towards him. She rose to her tip toes as he hands wandered south, tracing her bare thighs beneath her skirt. She closed her eyes, embracing his desire. She turned around, gripping the bar counter as he slowly removed her underwear. She stepped out gingerly, showing off her fresh pedicure. Philip smiled as he admired her pretty toes.

She waited patiently as he unbuckled his jeans. He guided himself to her freely, his eyes rolling to the back of his head upon entry. He let out a sigh, whispering a relieved, “Somebody’s turned on.”

Jan gripped his forearms, led easily into the groove of their own unique rhythm.

A rhythm understood….

***************

Afterwards, Jan excused herself. She went upstairs to the bathroom. She barely made it through the doorway before breaking down.

Tears of guilt, shame, pleasure... surrender.

A few minutes later, Philip knocked on the slightly ajar door.

Jan wiped her tears away and turned her back to him. “What are you doing here?” she asked irritably.

“I have to take a piss,” he answered.

“I’ll leave you alone then.”

Jan roamed through the dark hallway to her bedroom. She undressed in the darkness, removing off all her clothing. She slipped on her favorite white silk robe before turning on her bedside lamp. She sat on her bed, tucking her legs below her as she cherished the smooth fabric.

White softness, innocent.

The rest of the world deemed her unworthy of such a claim. To them, she was callous, arrogant, and inhumane. A few honest comments here and there, and for their own perception’s sake, she was the devil incarnate. Everyone wants someone to play the role. Most people chose to view themselves as a victim. Afraid to face their own fears and weaknesses, it was easier to blame it on someone else- someone like Jan. Assuming she embodied all the demons of humanity.

Their assumptions…

But what the hell did they know? Nothing, nothing at all.

Philip wandered in shyly, kicking his shoes off at the foot of her bed. He crawled onto the bed, plopping onto his backside. He looked up to Jan, eyes drooping. Jan rolled onto her side, “You can’t stay here all night Philip. My parents will be home around midnight.”

Philip grabbed one of the pillows, hugging it to himself. “I won’t stay that long. I just need a little nap. My head is spinning.”

Jan covered his eyes gently. “Sleep baby, sleep.”

“I think I will,” he whispered.

Jan waited until Philip dozed off before reaching her night stand to grab her sketch pad. Inspired by Philip’s handsome, sleeping profile, Jan found her subject. She smiled to herself as she drew his face, complete with dimples and a seductive wink.

Philip stirred awake nearly twenty minutes later. He sat up, rubbing his eyes. “What are you doing?”

“I’m drawing.”

“WHAT are you drawing?”

“Nothing special.”

“Let me see,” he said as he inched his way towards her.

“No.”

Philip peered over her sketch pad. His eyes lit up, “Oh shit, it’s me!”

He studied her work carefully, “I forgot all about that.”

“Forgot what?”

“That you can draw like crazy.”

“Huh?”

“Don’t you remember? I sat the same table as you in our fifth grade art class.”

“Oh yeah,” she remembered fondly.

“You used to make me sick.”

“Why?” she asked, making an erasure.

“Because you were so damn good, still are.”

“Thanks,” she answered, blowing on her sketch.

“Shit, I can’t even draw a stick figure.”

“Wait a second. Did I just hear you correctly? The K-man actually admit that he can’t do something?”

Philip flashed her a devilish smile, “Well don’t tell anyone.”

Jan leered at him as she continued.

She handed him the drawing once she finished.

“A keepsake?” he asked.

“For you,” she said as stoop up to cross the room.

Jan grabbed her pack of gum from her dresser, “You want one?”

“Yeah.”

Jan gasped when Philip came up behind her, catching her off guard. She turned around, staring straight at his chest. He was wearing his jeans and his button down shirt completely open. She handed him his piece of gum, “Here you go sexy.”

Philip unwrapped the stick of Cinnaburst. “My favorite kind,” he said in approval.

“Hmmm,” she murmured.

Jan fumbled through her make-up, searching for her lipstick. She found her favorite shade and applied a coat.

Philip watched her in the mirror, “You don’t have to get beautiful for me.”

Jan gave him a sly grin, “Of course not. I’ll just get beautiful for myself.”

“Right.”

Jan whipped around, and on a complete whim, drew the word “HOT” just above his waistline, pointing an arrow towards his penis.

Philip laughed, “What’d you do that for?”

Jan shrugged, “Couldn’t resist.”

She surveyed his bare torso again, considering. She drew an arrow at his six pack abs and wrote “TIGHT.”

Philip fumbled through her makeup, holding up a pencil-like device, “What the hell is this?”

“Duh, it’s lip liner,” Jan answered, dropping her lipstick.

“LIP LINER?” He shook his head, “Whatever,” he said, removing the cap.

“Oh no, you’re not…” Jan said suspiciously, backing away.

“You started it!”

“No, you can’t. This is my nice robe.”

“I don’t care.”

Jan ran to the other side of the bed, “You’re not drawing on me.”

Philip cornered her. He grabbed her and sat her on his lap, “Oh yes I am.”

“Philip, don’t.”

Philip gripped the lip liner in his teeth as he opened Jan’s robe, pulling it completely off her shoulders. He found his target immediately, writing “SUCK” near her nipples.

Jan sucked in her breath and he continued...

“Lick here” around her belly button.

“36C” across her cleavage.

Philip stuck his tongue in his gum as he drew and downward arrow and wrote, “Enter Here” below her belly button. He threw his head back in laughter, “This is fun. I like this.”

Jan shook her head, and yanked the liner from his hand “Give me that.”

She wrote “Watch Your Step” on his cheek near his right dimple.

“What did you write?”

“Nothing,” she said innocently.

Philip stood up and walked over to her mirror, “Agh. Are you kidding me?”

Jan followed him, “That’s your number #1 feature Phil.”

Philip grabbed the liner again, daring a “10 Watt” on her forehead.

Jan looked at her reflection in the mirror, “Oh you asked for it!”

She grabbed another liner from her dresser and reached up to write “0.001 Watt” on his forehead.

Philip tossed the liner aside in defeat, “I am humbled.”

He grabbed her waist, and leaned down to kiss her.

Jan swayed backward, “No,” she refused.

Taken back by her gesture, Philip asked, “Why not?”

Jan looked away for a moment, hesitating. In her most honest explanation she could think of, she drew a jagged heart on his chest, split down the middle. “That’s why,” she whispered.

Philip regarded her last drawing. He turned away sadly, and lay on her bed staring at the ceiling.

Jan stood at her dresser, regretting her actions. Damnit, she thought. She pulled a Kleenex tissue out of her purse. She avoided Philip as she attempted to remove the markings.

“Come here,” Philip said softly.

Jan shook her head, refusing.

“Come HERE,” he said, laying semi-upright on the bed.

“Uh huh.”

“Get your ass over here now.”

“Don’t order me around Kirakis.”

“Drop the attitude Jan.”

“What do you want?”

Philip gave her a devilish smile, flashing dimples to die for. “I wanna spoon.”

Jan turned around and glared at him, “Spoon?!”

“Yeah,” he laughed.

“FUCK NO! I can lick my own wounds, thank you.”

Philip grunted, “Someone needs to soften you up, for real.”

He got off the bed, dragging her to the bed.

“Don’t be nice to me,” she whined.

Philip lay back, pulling her onto of him.

“The last thing I need is to be softened.”

Philip rolled his eyes.

“You can’t trust a fucking SOUL,” she assured him, “Especially loved ones.”

Philip placed his hands behind his head, “I don’t love you Jan.”

Jan gave him a small smile, “That God for small favors.”

“Not that I disagree with your views on trust. But who cares. I’m here, you’re here, so let’s spoon.”

Jan sighed tilted her head. “Well maybe….” She said slowly.

“Maybe?”

“Maybe I do have needs.” she admitted shamefully, implying his open-arms invitation.

“I think you do,” he said matter-of-factly.

She lowered herself, snuggling to him naturally, breathing a sigh of relief. A perfect spoon.

To be held again…it felt wonderful.

Seemed like ages since it last happened- and it was with someone new as well. “Philip?” she said softly.

“Yeah?”

“Thanks.”

“No, thank you.”

They lay quietly, reflecting the true reason they were tragically thrown together.

Love’s labor lost…

How could they?