WHY I LEFT THE MASTER
by Connie Cook Smith (formerly Constance Robertson)
How I Quit My Whole Way of Life, Without a Sense of Loss
Eckankar, My, How You've Changed...
Time Alone with the Living Eck Master
Joyous Freedom
From 1976-1987, I was a member of Eckankar, a spiritual group which
promised self-and-God-realization and emphasized the need for a living
leader or master. There is no question I met some wonderful people
during that period. There is no question that Eckankar was
significantly more benign than most of the groups which traditional
religions label as cults.
But as there were major areas in my life which remained solidly and
frustratingly blocked, it's clear to me now that being under the
influence of a group and a leader were not helpful to me, no matter how
well-intentioned or benign.
It was only after I disaffiliated from Eckankar that I began to see how
its dominance in my thoughts and in my life served to prohibit the very
goals I had signed up to attain. I recall that so many of us "on the
path" were experiencing such identical difficulties, that now I cannot
help but feel convinced that the spiritual teacher who represents Truth
may even unwittingly be the greatest obstacle to it.
Like many spiritual teachers, the Living Eck Master taught absolute
individual independence. But how strange that one must go through a
master to get it. And how peculiar that the longer and harder I strove
for the desired self-and-God-realization, the more fraught with anxiety
I became.
In retrospect I can see that I looked increasingly to the spiritual
master, as recommended, for guidance out of my frustration. But now I
know it's a frustration which ceases to be when there is no master.
Yet "no master" was unthinkable then. Even though my problems had
increased in the form of a certain additional pressure in my life, I
felt now at least I had help. It just did not occur to me that the help
might be the problem.
The ultimate goal of the spiritual seeker usually is one-ness with the
Source of Life, and a master promises to teach you how to attain this.
But a master with an organization to maintain almost always will
continue to teach you how. In my experience, this ever-spiraling
continuation becomes a delay in the achievement rather than its
accomplishment. I was usually more focused on the process of reaching
God than on the simple Being There.
And thereupon the organization itself became an energy loop. To enhance
the process of reaching God, I did more and more for the organization.
Even though we did not live communally, I felt the organization was
giving me everything through its meetings and mailings, and naturally I
desired to give much in return.
Without even any persuasion on the part of the master, I found myself
spending considerable amounts of time and money, especially in
traveling to big seminars where I felt heartened by the thousands of
others who were doing the same thing. Yet among members, even these
huge, cheerful gatherings are famous for all the personally dramatic
negativities that happen - from "everything-going-wrong" occurrences
with lost luggage and sudden illness, to actual temptations to commit
suicide.
The explanation among ourselves was always that there is such a high
energy field around the master that it brings out negative counterpoint
experiences, or even "tests." The greater our negative experience, the
greater the proof of the master's positive power. Then when things ease
up or somehow happily resolve, there is great gratitude to the master
for all his help.
Post-seminar-let-down is so common that the master addresses it
directly and sends forth his blessings of supportive love. I realized
at the end of seminars how much I needed this support, because usually
I was traveling a long way home to situations that would be no
different when I got back, except for my feeling of having been far
away, and special, for awhile.
Then as the post-seminar week wore on and that special feeling wore
off, I found I was unhappy as ever and once again turning more and more
earnestly to the master for help.
As stated previously, it's an energy loop - and one that did not break
open for me until I stopped the syndrome of looking to the master. When
I began to allow myself to look to whatever life had to offer in the
way of assistance and opportunity and truth, without the prejudice that
the master and my path were the best, it was amazing how things changed
for the better. Within one year, finances, relationships, and health
were better. From that perspective, I could see how I had allowed my
master and my path to corner the market on my energies.
I wish I could say I just woke up one day and understood all this and
everything was okay. In truth, it was alternately exhilarating and very
difficult to let go of the habit of looking to the master. It took some
discipline and some creativity to stop using the prescribed words from
mysterious languages to call upon God.
I can see now how my ego loved having a special path and special words
and levels of initiation going ever higher in number - although word
went out that higher initiations would be increasingly hard to come by.
Maybe we should try harder, wait longer, stay, obey, and pay forever?
My ego also loved those moments when it all seemed to come together at
a seminar after all, and in a piece of exquisite music or in the
master's words of exquisite truth, I could say, "This is it. This is
the best. And I am part of it!"
How wonderful after Eckankar, when I was able to experience the
exquisiteness of other musicians and various teachers and realize
fully: "This is it. This is God's love and intelligence, and it is
EVERYWHERE." No more mental machinations about how to inform an artist
I liked about Eckankar so that he or she might be "more complete!" No
more filtering out the profundity of other teachers simply because they
are not the master. No more starvation diet of spiritual crumbs doled
out slowly, when the Whole Universe of God's Love is presenting a
constant feast!
HOW I QUIT MY WHOLE WAY OF LIFE, WITHOUT A SENSE OF LOSS
This brings me to how I finally did stop monopolizing my energies and
looping around and around the same problems for years. I came to admit
three things.
One, that truth IS everywhere available, especially in this New Age of
flourishing spiritual information, and there is no "best brand" of
truth. Breakthroughs in physics are indicating the eternal nature of
consciousness, the illusory nature of time, and the third-dimensional
reality of "what you put out is what you get back" (karma). It doesn't
require any particular spiritual path, nor a membership fee, to learn
what you need to know about your highest nature and deepest reality.
Every adequate library has this information for free.
Two, I finally admitted how TIRED I was of the intense ups and downs of
success and lack of success on the path of Eck. Life has enough
challenges without adding to it the achievements or lack of them in the
organization. Even though we were all quite spiritual, there were
subtle and not-so-subtle awarenesses of who had achieved what level of
initiation, and who had what experiences with the master.
In a way, I was a raving success in Eckankar. I was chosen to speak at
major seminars, I received a few personal letters from two of the
Living Eck Masters. And I did spend some private time with the current
one, Sri Harold Klemp. Considering there may be a million members,
these events were honors indeed. But I finally had to admit that not
even the highest experience Eckankar might offer made any difference in
my daily life!
My talents were always my talents, my insecurities were always my
insecurities, and with or without "my spiritual path," I succeeded,
failed, and created my way out of failures at about the same rate I
always had done. In short, I bungled along like most people. But on the
path of Eck, everything was intensified as to significance, because I
had that Spiritual Identity to promote or defend.
The sad thing about that identity - and to me, this is the only truly
harmful thing about Eckankar - is that my special identity as a member
of that organization was an everpresent barrier between me and all non-
Eckist human beings. People were wary of me as a member of a really
different religion. And I was always pondering either how to inform
them about "what they were missing," or I was regarding them perhaps as
slightly inferior, because they hadn't made my same commitment to the
highest knowledge.
In short, I experienced life as either a spiritual snob, or as an
unwittingly deprived person - suffering a limitation on healthy human
interaction and opportunities - because I had placed myself in a
spiritual ghetto.
I know that members of Eckankar are not the only religious membership
prone to such behavior. But on this path, these thoughts and attitudes
seemed to dominate rather intensely, and here was the rationale:
Because we are really different, we are really special!
Our special difference was our perpetual glory and our constant curse.
Especially when we were congregated together at massive seminars, there
was usually an atmosphere of hyper-humor. At the time I was so deeply
invested in Eckankar, it was easy to interpret this behavior as just
characteristic of the most fun and special bunch of people in the whole
world. But in retrospect, I feel that many of us were just really
nervous.
We had spent a chunk of change to get there, for one thing. And instead
of a relaxing weekend away, it was a whirlwind of scheduled activities
and long, long lines. The activities were all optional, but you did
want to get what you'd paid for. You were always hoping you'd run into
the master somewhere in the hotel, you tried to connect with people
you'd maybe not seen in years, you'd get very little sleep, you would
probably spend more in the bookstore than you could afford. I don't
think I'm the only one who experienced all this with a little more
anxiety than spiritual bliss.
I'll particularly never forget a principal speaker and how his direct
comment on one aspect of all this caused the most explosive laughter I
ever heard at a seminar. He said onstage, with a combination of both
pride and bewilderment, "You know, these are the only conventions I
know of where you pay all your travel, lodging, food, and expenses so
that you can be a key speaker for the occasion."
Everybody nearly collapsed with hilarity. I remember my own grin as
being excessively self-conscious, because that's exactly what I had
done. As for others, they too had paid and planned and traveled and
struggled through all sorts of obstacles that seem to flare up right
before or during these events, and all for the privilege of being there.
I think now that speaker's blunt statement of fact served as relief-
button from all the STRESS of a seminar. And that would explain why the
laughter was nearly hysterical. In retrospect, of course, I don't find
it funny at all.
ECKANKAR, MY, HOW YOU'VE CHANGED!
These seminars are still going on, and so much money is flowing in -
from the seminars, memberships, books, tapes, pictures of the master,
other items - that the organization had to build a temple near
headquarters in Minneapolis-St. Paul, and now conducts worship services.
I say, had to, because I believe the temple is a means for legitimate
usage of overflow funds. I can't help but speculate this, because the
organization, with its little store-front Eck Centers, used to pride
itself on being so different from all other religions. The idea of a
temple or church and worship services would be a real shock to Paul
Twitchell, who started Eckankar back in 1965 - although he himself was
known to be very "creative," that is, to do whatever it takes to get
things rolling. But I sadly conclude that the temple is not only a
financial move, but also a political move - that is, a means to attract
an even greater membership.
As seekers look for more than traditional religion offers, it's less
scary to make the transition if you can still be part of a
congregation, attend services, and sing hymns. I realize that the
organization lost some members at the time of this temple-building. I
heard they flatly said that Eckankar "had sold out." But in the long-
run, certainly this new format will attract more members, as they are
able to make an easier transition from traditional to non-traditional
spirituality. And thus I see this change, again, more as a financial
and political move than as a spiritual evolution.
With that off my chest, I now can conclude with my third point about
why and how I stopped involvement with this organization, which
occurred just prior to the temple-building. I need to address how I
happily stopped the whole thing's occupation of both my head and my
heart. It has to do with the concept of a master, the idea of a need
for a master or a living spiritual leader.
TIME ALONE WITH THE LIVING ECK MASTER
I did spend some time alone with Sri Harold Klemp, the Living Eck
Master. On one occasion especially, I was paged during a major seminar,
an appointment for later in the day was set up, and at the appointed
time I was ushered into his presence for 20 minutes. He apparently
wanted to know more about me, since I had written some lovely pieces
about Eck.
I had always thought of Harold as, at very least, a genuinely
intelligent, sincere, and humble person. And this impression of him as
a human being was more than verified as we chatted in his private hotel
suite in Washington D.C. He seemed more eager to learn from me than to
instruct me in the ways of the path, and this was indeed a wonderful
experience - especially from my in-those-days "inferior female"
perspective, in the presence of man with great authority.
But could it have been this very Peak Experience which began to teach
me that such experience is utterly unnecessary? This did not cross my
mind at the time, though, because oh-the-glory of private time with the
master!
Although I was careful not to get my ego involved, careful in short,
not to brag - nevertheless, everyone from my area knew I had been paged
from the central stage. And one thing led to another until I had even
higher-initiates crowding around as a wide-eyed audience, glomming on
to whatever I felt was appropriate to share about my experience with
the master.
There is something really unnatural about this, and I felt it even then.
I wish now I had said, "Hey, guess what. He's really a very ordinary
human being like you and me. Go on home, folks. You're just as good as
he is, in some ways maybe even better. He's human, he's vulnerable,
he's good, he's kind - and so are you. He shows up in your dreams and
in your meditations because your attention is on him. But hell, I've
had people at workshops and lectures say they've seen ME in their
dreams!"
I wish I'd said, "Don't you see that we're all teachers and we're all
students, and as such, WE HUMAN BEINGS ARE ALL EQUAL. I can do some
things you can't do. You can do some things I can't do. Can you see
that our strengths and our weaknesses make us alike? And that whatever
we are or whatever we aren't, we are essential parts of the Whole? And
because we are each essential, we are all absolutely equal? That nobody
is better than anyone else? That no one is less than anyone else?"
But I didn't say these things. It was too wonderful a moment for my ego
to be in that space where I could legitimately (as legitimized by
Eckankar) be looked up to by others, because I had been with Him whom
we ALL looked up to.
How interesting that this highest point of my life left me feeling
actually degraded when I shared it with others - because by feeding
people's appetite for how special Harold is, I was actively
perpetuating the myth that any human being, any creation of God, is
essentially greater than any other - which further implies that some
people are somehow less than another.
To me, now, this is the OPPOSITE of spirituality. This is the same old
power-and-authority idea that is the grief of this planet and the
misguidance of every organized spiritual teaching.
It may be wise, when we wish to master a discipline, to seek out one
who has mastered it, and for a time, to defer to their knowledge. But
because spiritually, in our deepest essence, we are all equal, I'm
convinced now that another person whom we look up to as spiritual
authority can only serve as an obstacle to our direct experience with
God.
JOYOUS FREEDOM
About a year after meeting with Harold, one night I put down a book I'd
been reading - it was The Starseed Transmissions, by Ken Carey -- such
luminous writing! Such joyous beauty, such tangible energy, so
reminiscent of That Presence I knew as a child! Then I picked up my Eck
discourse to study - and I began to feel terrible. By contrast, the Eck
discourse seemed so un-alive, so un-illuminated, so ...well...so dead.
This was the mid-'80's, and I had to admit I'd been feeling for awhile
that Eck literature compared poorly to a lot of other stuff out there -
although when I first looked at Eck books in the mid-70's, they were
comparatively revolutionary and inspiring.
But now, compared to Starseed, the Eckankar discourse just had no light
at all. The experience was like going to an Eck Center, expecting it to
be warm and lively and inviting, and instead finding it dark, empty,
closed down, gone. It dawned on me, as I looked up and away from the
discourse, "It's just not there anymore..."
Soon, my sadness turned to anger that, darn it, how can they say this
is the highest when there's so much stuff that's so much better! The
explosion of New Age authors were providing equal or better insights,
and for only the price of a book -- or as I've said, free at the
library.
Then I realized I was just mad at myself for dutifully reporting to my
spiritual ghetto everyday, when the whole wide world is there for me. I
felt mildly stupid, as if I'd been insisting on going to one, limited-
menu restaurant everyday, while all around - especially now -- were
countless establishments serving up a good variety of nourishment.
Dammit, I said, I'm a free human being, and I don't have to put up with
this anymore!
I'll never forget those delicious days right after I decided to not
renew my membership, to lose all my initiations, to hang out with folks
who had no awareness of what had been my whole way of life, to not
inwardly chant something all the time, to just listen to life with love
and trust in my heart.
FREEDOM! And it feels every bit as delicious today as I spiral upward
into ever-greater understanding and ever-greater love.
In a positive sense, it has crossed my mind that Eckankar exists
benevolently as sort of a holding-pen for good people who have escaped
the clutches or orthodox authority, yet who don't trust their spiritual
natures enough yet to go directly to God.
But when I remember how busy one can be on that path, with all the
virtuous activities, and when I remember there are constant fees for
what I've learned is free, it's tempting to regard Eckankar as just
another trap - as just another delay in experiencing the truth of the
beloved and powerful beings we all truly are.
I feel nothing but good will towards all these friends of the past. But
the level of happiness, accomplishment - and yes, direct awareness of
God that I experience now - make me exceedingly grateful that I got out.
1999 Connie Cook Smith
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