~HOW TO BE A COOL ASIAN~
Be racist.
Wear clothes of two colors: your choice of black or white.
Own an alphanumeric pager with a built-in answering machine.
Own a cellular phone with a built-in anwering machine.
Have only Asian friends.
Speak only in Asian languages.
Dress as though you're headed for a party when you're
actually going to class.
If you're a girl, STUFF YOUR BRA.
If you're a guy, SOUP UP YOUR ACURA INTEGRA.
Smoke even if you don't know how to, especially if you're
with friends.
Travel only in droves of 10 and above to parties.
Go to all the cool Asian "intercollegiate parties".
Refuse to dance to anything but techno music.
Whenever in droves of 10 or more Asians, stare menacingly at
all other Asians.
Dance in circles at all parties and clubs.
If you're a guy, GET CHEAP FEELS OFF GIRLS YOU LIKE.
If you're a girl, RUN YOUR FINGERS THROUGH YOUR HAIR EACH
TIME YOU SEE A
HOT GUY.
Wear only designer labels.
Make sure designer labels are extremely visible. Better yet,
make sure that the make is
emblazoned on the front of the apparel.
Own a pair of Doc Martens.
Be very good at pool. Own a cue stick if you can, even if
you know nothing about them.
Make sure your parents are doctors, or better yet, grocery
store owners.
Own a sports car.
Make sure you install every possible option you can in your
car.
Date only someone that a friend of yours has already dated.
Be an officer in the KSA/CSA of your respective school.
Be a Christian pretending to actually care about the
religion.
Use church as a social ground to meet potential dates.
If you're a guy, make sure your hair looks like the head of
a circumsized penis.
If you're a girl, make sure your hair is colored with tinges
of brown or red for optimal
"coolness".
If you're a girl, make sure you weigh no more than 75 lbs.
If you're Korean girl, have eye surgery done so you can look
like a goldfish.
Date only the people from your own clique, or even a "cooler
one"!
If you're in a group of 10 or more friends, stare menacingly
at all interracial couples you see.
If you're a guy, start having insecurities and complain
about the "theft" of your women.
If you're a girl... well, Asian men never date interracially
anyway.
Have wispy pubic hair.
Have a sports car that is lowered so that it scrapes the
road when you drive it.
Believe in credit cards....especially when they belong to
others.
Girls: call each other bitch. Guys: call each other bitch.
Make sure the clubs you go is predominately Asian: that is
96% Asian and the other 4% are
the whites being beaten up for macking on Asian chicks.
Make sure you talk to all your Asian-American friends about
how traditional you are in spite of
being born in Mississipi or something and then make fun of
FOBs!
If your date starts going sour (make sure she's Asian),
start making fun of "americans"(ie:
whites).
Join a dumbass Vietnamese gang and get the same haircut, the
same baggy jeans, and wear a
white T-shirt. Curse in Vietnamese all day.
Join a dumbass Korean gang and get the same haircut, the
same baggy jeans, and wear a
white T-shirt. Curse in Korean all day.
Join a dumbass Chinese gang and get the same haircut, the
same baggy jeans, and wear a
white T-shirt. Curse in Chinese all day.
Curse about how you are Japanese-American and can't join any
of these dumbass gangs
cause there aren't any Japanese around in the first place.
In case the above is true, move back to Japan and go to Ueno
park until you become a junior
yakuza.
Drag your heels when you walk.
Before you smoke, spank your cigarettes really loud for at
least 30 seconds.
Guys: always laugh in a high pitched voice.
Girls: say "like," "um," and "and stuff" alot.
Wear clothes that are too big so that if you are skinny you
can't tell and if you are fat you can't
tell.
Only eat at cafes late at night and pretend to understand
the menu.
Learn to drive sideways.
Pretend to know how to break dance so that if you fall at a
party you won't look that stupid.
Dye your hair... reddish brown or blonde for best results.
You must drive an Acura Integra or Honda Civic. (stick shift
for tha fellows -- it's a testosterone
thang.)
Never wear glasses out of class -- only FOBs can. (colored
contacts required)
Girls: wear dark lipstick. (the browner the cooler -- no
matter if you end up looking like you
stuffed your face in chocolate.)
To achieve that important NATURAL look, apply layers and
layers of make-up on. If it starts to
look unnatural (heaven forbid!), just apply another layer.
Curl your eyelashes 'till they touch your eyelids.
Only associate with fellow yellows.
When you want to speak about a non-Asian in front of their
face, speak your own language
very loudly and rudely.
Interpret every little thing as a racial issue.
Never be on time when meeting friends.
Girls must stare at each other more than guys stare at them.
Hang out in karaoke places when there's nothin to do.
Girls must be masters of Bust-a-move.
Guys must be masters of Killer Instinct or Mortal Kombat
III.
Make every event a social one -- church, school, funerals...
Guys are not allowed to leave the mall without at least one
set of digits... (That means a phone
number for you morons who didn't know.)
Girls: dress skimpy on a cold day so that a guy has to lend
you his coat.
Guys must wear their choice of: Eternity, Escape, Cool
Water.
Always change your pager greeting at least 3 times a day...
sometimes add cheesy music for
the full 30 seconds to piss the caller off.
Carry at least 1000 pictures around with you wherever you go
-- pictures only of Asians of
course! Make sure you put them neatly in your schedule book.
Take pictures everywhere you go... even in your own
driveway.
Guys: always look ruff & all hard-core, lifting your chin up
to the lens. That arrogant,
self-centered, "I am cool" manner always gets the girls!
(...not)
Girls: fake smile, or no smile.
Guys: never say hi verbally back to a girl... either lift
one eyebrow, nod your chin (very
cocky), or wink (most annoying).
Fit 9 people in a car when the limit is 5.
Guys: drive 80 mph in groups to your local diner,
McDonald's, Friday's, etc. Drive even
FASTER when the girls are coming along (yet another
testosterone thang).
Wear a jade necklace, even if you're not into Buddha.
There must be a stringy, Oriental-looking ornament dangling
from the mirror of your souped-up
car.
Blast Asian rap and pop music from your car stereo whenever
you leave somewhere (esp.
from school).
Girls: be abnormally obssessed with Sanrio. (Keropee, Hello
Kitty, Pochacco, Pekkle, Akira,
etc. are all acceptable.)
Email: sweethonesty@angelfire.com
