You Want It When?

For a choice of music, use the following. All types, & More to come.

.......Whose cruel idea it was for the word "lisp" to have an "s" in it?

.......Since light travels faster than sound, isn't that why some people appear bright until you hear them speak?

.......Why do you press harder on the remote control when you know that the battery is dead?

........Why does sour cream have an expiration date?

.........Why do banks charge you an "insufficient funds" fee on money they already know that you don't have?

..........Why is the alphabet in that order?

...........If the universe is everything, and scientists say that the universe is expanding, what is it expanding into?

............If a tree falls in the forest and no one is around to see it, do the other trees make fun of it?

............Do fish get cramps after eating?

.............Why are there 5 syllables in "monosylabic"?

.............Tell a man that there are 400 billion stars and he'll believe you. Tell him a bench has wet paint and he has to touch it.

.............How come Superman could stop bullets with his chest, but always ducked when someone threw a gun at him?

.............If "con" is the opposite of "pro," what is the opposite of "progress"?

.............Why is lemon juice mostly artificial ingredients but dishwashing liquid contains real lemons?

............Why doesn't glue stick to the inside of the bottle?

.............Do Roman paramedics refer to "IV's" as "4's"?

.............What do little birdies see when they get knocked unconcious?

..............Why doesn't Tarzan have a beard?

..............Do married people live longer than single people or does it just SEEM longer?

..............I went to a bookstore and asked the saleswoman, "Where's the self-help section?" She said that if she told me, it would defeat the purpose.

.............If all of those psychics have the winning lottery numbers, why are they still working?

.............Isn't Disney World a people trap operated by a mouse?

.............Isn't the best way to save face to keep the lower part shut?

............War doesn't determine who is right, just who is left.

.............How come "abbreviated" is such a long word?

.............If it is zero degrees outside today, and it is supposed to be twice as cold tomorrow, how cold is it going to be?

............Since Americans throw rice at weddings, do Orientals throw hamburgers?

...........Why are they called buildings when they already finished? Shouldn't they be called "builts"?

...........Why are they called apartments, when they are all stuck together?

............Why do people without a watch look at their wrist when you ask them what time it is?

.............Why do you ask someone without a watch what time it is?

..............Who is General Failure, and why is he reading my disk?

.............The light went out, but where to?

.............Does the reverse side also have a reverse side?

............If you got into a taxi and the driver started driving backwards, would the taxi driver end up owing you money?

.............Why is a carrot more orange then an orange?

.............When two airplanes almost collide why do they call it a near-miss?

..............Why do they call it the Department of Interior when they are in charge of everything outside?

.............How much deeper would the ocean be if sponges didn't grow in it?

.............Why buy a product that it takes 2000 flushes to get rid of?

.............Why do we wait until a pig is dead to "cure" it?

.............Why do we wash bath towels? Aren't we clean when we use them?

.............Why do we put suits in a garment bag and put garments in a suitcase?

.............If man evolved from monkeys and apes, why do we still have monkeys and apes?

............Should you trust a stockbroker who is married to a travel agent?

............Is boneless chicken considered to be an invertebrate?

Four major executives are playing golf together. On the second tee they hear a phone ring. The first executive reaches into his bag and pulls out a cellular phone. "OK buy 100 shares", he tells the other person on the phone. Then he looks at the others and says, "I'm such an important person that I have to make sure my employees can reach me at any time. Therefore I carry a cell phone everywhere". On the next tee, they hear the sound of another phone. All of a sudden, the second exec puts his finger to his mouth and his thumb to his ear and begins talking. When he gets off the line he tells the others, "I'm so important that I had my company install a microphone in my index finger and a speaker in my thumb. That way, I don't have to worry about carrying a cellular telephone". The people are very impressed and move on down the fairway. On the green, they hear another phone ring. The third exec stands up tall and says, "OK, sell the company NOW". Then he loosens up and tells the others, "I'm so important that I had my company put a microphone in my lip and a speaker in my ear. That way all I need to do is stand up straight to get the signal". Everybody is really impressed and they continue playing. At the next tee they hear another phone. All of a sudden, the fourth exec runs into the bushes. After a few minutes, the others get worried about him so they go into the bushes to find him. They find him with is pants around his knees, squatting. "Oh, we're sorry," they exclaim, somewhat embarrassed, "we'll leave you alone". "That's OK", the fourth exec says, "I'm just waiting for a fax".

This is an actual job application someone submitted for a fast-food establishment:

APPLICATION FOR EMPLOYMENT

NAME: Greg Bulmash

DESIRED POSITION: Reclining. Ha ha. But seriously, whatever's available. If I was in a position to be picky, I wouldn't be applying here in the first place.

DESIRED SALARY: $185,000 a year plus stock options and a Michael Ovitz style severance package. If that's not possible, make an offer and we can haggle.

EDUCATION: Yes.

LAST POSITION HELD: Target for middle-management hostility.

SALARY: Less than I'm worth.

MOST NOTABLE ACHIEVEMENT: My incredible collection of stolen pens and post-it notes.

REASON FOR LEAVING: It sucked.

HOURS AVAILABLE TO WORK: Any.

PREFERRED HOURS: 1:30-3:30 p.m., Monday, Tuesday, and Thursday.

DO YOU HAVE ANY SPECIAL SKILLS?: Yes, but they're better suited to a more intimate environment.

MAY WE CONTACT YOUR CURRENT EMPLOYER?: If I had one, would I be here?

DO YOU HAVE ANY PHYSICAL CONDITIONS THAT WOULD PROHIBIT YOU FROM LIFTING UP TO 50 LBS?: Of what?

DO YOU HAVE A CAR?: I think the more appropriate question here would be "Do you have a car that runs?"

HAVE YOU RECEIVED ANY SPECIAL AWARDS OR RECOGNITION?: I may already be a winner of the Publishers Clearinghouse Sweepstakes.

DO YOU SMOKE?: Only when set on fire.

WHAT WOULD YOU LIKE TO BE DOING IN FIVE YEARS?: Living in Bimini with a fabulously wealthy supermodel who thinks I'm the greatest thing since sliced bread. Actually, I'd like to be doing that now.

DO YOU CERTIFY THAT THE ABOVE IS TRUE AND COMPLETE TO THE BEST OF YOUR KNOWLEDGE?: No, but I dare you to prove otherwise.

SIGN HERE: Scorpio with Libra rising.

One day when the teacher walked to the black board, she noticed someone had written the word 'penis' in tiny letters. She turned around, scanned the class looking for the guilty face. Finding none, she quickly erased it, and began her class. The next day she went into the room, and she saw, in larger letters, the word 'penis' again on the black board. Again, she looked around in vain for the culprit, but found none, so she proceeded with the day's lesson. Every morning, for about a week, she went into the classroom and found the same disgusting word written on the board, each day's word, larger than the previous day's word. Finally, one day, she walked in, expecting to be greeted by the same word on the board, but instead, found the words: "The more you rub it, the bigger it gets!"

It's the Spring of 1957 and Bobby goes to pick up his date. He's a pretty hip guy with his own car. When he goes to the front door, the girl's father answers and invites him in. "Carrie's not ready yet, so why don't you have a seat?," he says. "That's cool" says Bobby. Carrie's father asks Bobby what they're planning to do. Bobby replies politely that they will probably just go to the soda shop or a movie. Carrie's father responds "Why don't you two go out and screw? I hear all the kids are doing it." Naturally, this comes as a quite a surprise to Bobby so he asks Carrie's Dad to repeat it. "Yeah," says Carries father, "Carrie really likes to screw; she'll screw all night if we let her!" Well, this just made Bobby's eyes light up, and his plan for the evening was beginning to look pretty good. A few minutes later, Carrie comes downstairs in her little poodle skirt and announces that she's ready to go. Almost breathless with anticipation, Bobby escorts his date out the front door. About 20 minutes later, Carrie rushes back into the house, slams the door behind her, and screams at her father: "DAMMIT DADDY! IT'S CALLED THE TWIST!!!"

An old man sitting on his front porch down in Louisiana watching the sun rise sees the neighbor's kid walk by carrying something big under his arm. He yells out "Hey boy, whatcha got there?" Boy yells back "Roll of chicken wire." Old man says "What you gonna do with that?" Boy says "Catch some chickens." Old man yells "You damn fool, you can't catch chickens with chicken wire!" Boy just laughs and keeps walking. That evening at sunset the boy comes walking by and to the old man's surprise he is dragging behind him the chicken wire with about 30 chickens caught in it. Same time next morning the old man is out watching the sun rise and he sees the boy walk by carrying something kind of round in his hand. Old man yells out "Hey boy, whatcha got there?" Boy yells back "Roll of duck tape." Old man says "What you gonna do with that?" Boy says back "Catch me some ducks." Old man yells back, "You damn fool, you can't catch ducks with duck tape!" Boy just laughs and keeps walking. That night around sunset the boy walks by coming home and to the old man's amazement he is trailing behind him the unrolled roll of duck tape with about 35 ducks caught in it. Same time next morning the old man sees the boy walking by carrying what looks like a long reed with something fuzzy on the end. Old man says "Hey boy, whatcha got there?" Boy says "It's a pussy willow." Old man says "I'll get my hat."

Q: How many honest, intelligent, caring men in the world does it take to do the dishes?
A: Both of them.

Q: What's a man's idea of a romantic evening?
A: A candlelit football stadium.

Q: What's the difference between a man and a chimpanzee?
A: One is hairy, smelly and is always scratching its ass and the other's a chimpanzee.

Q: Why don't women blink during foreplay?
A: They don't have time.

Q: Why does it take 1 million sperm to fertilize one egg?
A: They won't stop to ask directions!

Q: What does PMS stand for?
A: Putting (up with) Men's Stupidity

Q: What do electric toy trains and breasts have in common?
A: They're usually intended for the children, but it's the husbands who end up playing with them.

Q: Why do men snore when they lay on their backs?
A: Because their balls fall over their asshole and they vapor lock.

Q: What do men and sperm have in common?
A: They both have a one-in-a-million chance of becoming a human being.

Q: Why did god make man before woman?
A: You need a rough draft before you have a final copy

Q: Why do doctors slap babies' butts right after they're born?
A: To knock the penises off the smart ones.

Q: What is that insensitive bit at the base of the penis called?
A: The man.

Q: Why is psychoanalysis quicker for men than for women?
A: When it's time to go back to childhood, he's already there.

Q: What do you call a handcuffed man?
A: Trustworthy.

Q: What do a clitoris, an anniversary, and a toilet have in common?
A: Men always miss them.

Q: Why are men like commercials?
A: You can't believe a word they say.

Q: Why are men like popcorn?
A: They satisfy you, but only for a little while.

Q: Why are men like blenders?
A: You need one, but you're not quite sure why.

Q: Why do so many women fake orgasm?
A: Because so many men fake foreplay.

Q: Why are women so bad at mathematics?
A: Because men keep telling them that this (make gap with thumb and forefinger) is 9 inches.

Q: What's the difference between a bar and a clitoris?
A: Most men have no trouble finding a bar.

Q: What's a man's definition of a romantic evening?
A: Sex.

Q: What is the only time a man thinks about a candlelight dinner?
A: When the power goes off.

Q: What do men and women have in common?
A: They both distrust men.

Q: How can you tell the difference between men's real gifts and their guilt gifts?
A: Guilt gifts are nicer.

Q: What do you instantly know about a well-dressed man?
A: His wife is good at picking out clothes.

Q: How is a man like the weather?
A: Nothing can be done to change either one of them.

Q: What is the difference between a man and childbirth?
A: One can be terribly painful and sometimes almost unbearable while the other is just having a baby.

Q: What is the difference between a single 40-year-old woman and a single 40-year-old man?
A: The 40-year-old woman thinks often of having children and the 40-year-old man thinks often about dating them.

Q: Women dream of world peace, a safe environment, and eliminating hunger. What do men dream of?
A: Being stuck in an elevator with the Doublemint twins.

Q: What do you call a man who expects to have sex on the second date?
A: Slow.

Q: What is the one thing that all men at singles bars have in common?
A: They're married.

Q: What do most men think Mutual Orgasm is?
A: An insurance company.

Q: Why don't men often show their true feelings?
A: Because they don't have any.

Q: Why do men have a hole in their penis?
A: So oxygen can get to their brains.

Q: What's easier to make: a snowman or a snowwoman?
A: A snowwoman is easier to make, 'cause with a snowman you have to hollow out the head and use all that extra snow to make its testicles.

Q: What do you call a man with 99% of his brain missing?
A: Castrated.

Q: What's the difference between government bonds and men?
A: Bonds mature.

Q: What's the difference between a man and E.T.?
A: E.T. phoned home.

Q: Why are all dumb blonde jokes one-liners?
A: So men can remember them.

A cowboy and his bride ask the hotel desk clerk for a room, telling him they just got married that morning. "Congratulations!" says the clerk. Looking at the cowboy, he asks, "Would you like the bridal then?" "Naw, thanks." says the cowboy. "I'll just hold her by the ears till she gets the hang of it."

Max and Ernie are playing racquetball at the local gym. As they are changing clothes in the locker room Ernie takes off his T-shirt and shorts. He is wearing a bra and a lace garter belt. "My God," exclaims Max. "When did you start wearing women's underwear?" "Ever since my wife found them in my glove compartment."

There was this couple who had been married for 50 years. They were sitting at the breakfast table one morning when the old gentleman said to his wife, "Just think, honey, we've been married for 50 years." "Yeah," she replied, "Just think, fifty years ago we were sitting here at this breakfast table together." "I know," the old man said, "We were probably sitting here naked as jaybirds fifty years ago." "Well," Granny snickered, "What do you say...should we get naked?" Where upon the two stripped to the buff and sat down at the table. "You know, honey," the little old lady breathlessly replied, "My nipples are as hot for you today as they were fifty years ago." "I wouldn't be surprised," replied Gramps. "One's in your coffee and the other is in your oatmeal!!!"

A nun walks into a liquor store and says, "Give me a pint of brandy." The guy says, "Sister, I've never sold alcohol to a nun." She says, "It's for the Mother Superior, she's constipated." So he sells it to her. Later that night, he walks out, and there's the nun on the stoop, with the empty bottle, drunk as a skunk, singing and laughing. He says, "Sister, for shame. You told me the bottle was for the Mother Superior's constipation." The nun says, "It is. She's constipated, and when she sees me, she's gonna shit."

An Englishman, an Irishman and a Scotsman were sitting in a bar, drinking, and discussing how stupid their wives were. The Englishman says, "I tell you, my wife is so stupid. Last week she went to the supermarket and bought $300 worth of meat because it was on sale, and we don't even have a fridge to keep it in." The Scotsman agrees that she sounds pretty thick, but says his wife is thicker. "Just last week, she went out and spent $17,000 on a new car," he laments, "and she doesn't even know how to drive!" The Irishman nods sagely, and agrees that these two woman sound like they both walked through the stupid forest and got hit by every branch. However, he still thinks his wife is dumber. "Ah, it kills me everytime I think of it," he chuckles. "my wife left to go on a trip to Greece. I watched her packing her bag, and she must have put about 100 condoms in there and she doesn't even have a penis!"

The wedding date was set and the groom's three pals - a carpenter, an electrician and a dentist were deciding what pranks to play on the couple on their wedding night. The carpenter figured sawing the slats of their bed would give them a chuckle or two. The electrician decided to wire the bed - with alternating current, of course. The dentist wouldn't commit himself, but wore a sly grin and promised it would be memorable. The nuptials went as planned and a few days later, each of the grooms' buddies received the following note: "DEAR FRIENDS, WE DIDN'T MIND THE BED SLATS BEING SAWED. THE ELECTRIC SHOCK WAS ONLY A MINOR SETBACK. BUT BY GOD, I'M GOING TO KILL THE GUY WHO PUT NOVACAINE IN THE VASELINE!"

Two Scottish nuns have just arrived to USA by boat and one says to the other, I hear that the occupants of this country actually eat dogs." "Odd," her companion replies, "but if we shall live in America, we might as well do as the Americans do." Nodding emphatically, the mother superior points to a hot dog vendor and they both walk towards it. "Two dogs, please," says one. The vendor is only too pleased to oblige and he wraps both hot dogs in foil. Excited, the nuns hurry over to a bench and begin to unwrap their 'dogs.' The mother superior is first to open hers, then, staring at it for a moment, leans over to the other nun and whispers cautiously, "What part did you get?"

The two teens had been lovers for a few weeks, but the boy was always after the girl to quit smoking. One afternoon, she lit up after some love making, and he said, "You really ought to quit." She, getting tired of his nagging, said, "I really enjoy a good cigarette after sex." He replied, "But they stunt your growth." She asked if he ever smoked, and he replied that he had never. Smiling and lifting her gaze to his groin, she said, "So, what's your excuse then ?"

Little Johnny has been having trouble in math for years. Nothing he or his parents have tried has helped. Not tutors, not special classes, not the math version of Hooked on Phonics. In desparation, Johnny's mom and dad take him out of public school and enroll him in the local Catholic school. On coming home the first day, Johnny hugs his mother and runs off upstairs. "I need to do my homework," he shouts down to his mother. He comes down for dinner and then dashes right back to work. This continues everynight, weekends too, for six weeks. Then report cards come out. Warily, Mom and Dad open the card and see, much to their astonishment, that Johnny has made an A+ in math. Everyone is exceptionally happy. Mom and Dad and Johnny dance around the room. After the celebration quites down, Mom asks Johnny what was it about the Catholic School that made a difference. Was it the teachers? Was is the text books.

You want more? Hmmmm...have to start taking donations..*S* So hop into the lil ole forum, and share a few...I'll even give ya credit for those used..*S*