Dear Journal,
I cannot sleep tonight. So you are going to be my savior...
I keep falling in and out of depression. But sometimes when I fall in, I feel as though I may never fall back out.
As if the deep black hole that I’m residing in now, will someday become my permanent home. But still, like always, I have to hide behind my fake grin, and all the lies of “yeah, I’m all right.”
I keep thinking that maybe in another life or at the beginning of this one, I had done something terribly wrong to deserve all of what I’m getting now.
But then I think that that must be absurd. We don’t all get what we deserve. But then I start wondering why is this happening to me.
Then I curse myself for allowing myself to wallow in self-pity. There is so much more that others are going through. And I whine because the problems I have always seem too much for me to handle at times. Well, ok, a lot of the times.
I also find myself being a hypocrite at times. But I make excuses for it. Like everyone else does, except for those who ignore it.
I criticize those who complain about their microscopic problems. But to someone else, wouldn’t my problems seem microscopic to them, though they are huge obstacles to me?
I don’t like this life. Or the world for that matter. We base all our opinions and judgements on face value. Never thinking twice about what’s all underneath the exterior.
We never get to know the kid with the purple hair and nose-ring, simply turning to our friends and calling him a freak, laughing at his expense. Stating that he’s just trying for attention.
Then why are you supplying to the demand, when you turn back to stare at him? Until someone brings up the party that’s happening Friday night, the test you had that morning, that dress at the mall, or how unfair your parents are being that week, you continue to gawk at him as if he were an art exhibit, or a caged animal in the zoo.
This so-called reality has been based on contradictions, hypocrisy, selfish needs and opinions that were stolen from someone else. Never thinking for ourselves, or reaching out our hands to our neighbors. Simply because we do not have the time or patience.
Parents working double jobs to give their kid’s name brand clothing just so that they can fit in at school. So that they will be in with the “in crowd.” Only finding out that when they graduate, they were socializing and making plans for the weekend parties, then learning what the teachers were trying to teach.
Lives being wasted, because they simply don’t have the money or the education or the means to get the jobs they want. Because society has been based on wealth and situation.
Souls being lost, because there was never a hand reaching out to them. And every time they reached their hands out, they only got slapped and snarled at.
Then when everything comes crashing down, and your hanging at the end of your rope, and about to fall, someone comes and stands besides you, and asks: “Why didn’t you ask or go for help?”
Simply because there was none.
Zac sighed silently as he pushed away form the computer center in his and his brother’s room. The Braille on the keys made it easier for him to get out what he needed to when he needed to.
He only had to remember exactly how to save his file and make sure no one else could read them.
Suppressing a groan, he pushed a few buttons before shutting his computer down and turning off the monitor.
Without a second thought or a second glance he went and lay in his bed. Closing his eyes, he felt a burning sensation prickle behind his eyelids. Maybe he had seen the faint glare of the computer screen after all. Maybe it wasn’t just his imagination.
But he shook his head of the feeling, and rolled over. The good thing about being blind, he didn’t need to turn the light on to use the computer.
Smiling faintly to himself, he felt the exhaustion wash over him again and then fell into another dreamless sleep.
