She lied there, staring at her clock. Watching as those glowing numbers changed systematically. She remembered when those funny little symbols meant something, but for whatever life that was left inside her… she couldn't remember what now.
   Rolling over, she turned to stare up at her ceiling. One thousand-three hundred-sixty two. That was how many sparkles were above her bed alone.
   Squeezing her eyes shut, she tried to force back the pain that exploded in her head. "Turn off the light!"
   The shriek was torn from her throat. She hadn't meant to scream, it only made her ears hurt and her head swell. She just couldn't stop it from flying from her mouth.
   "Sorry! God!" Her sister snapped, flicking the lights off with dramatic flare.
   "Shut up!" She whimpered, the tears flowing freely now. Even though she tried so hard to keep them at bay today.
   They leaked from her eyes and pooled inside her ears. She felt so hot and feverish, but she knew it was her imagination.
   "It's dinner time." Her sister informed none-too-gently. "Mom wants you to come down."
   Refusing to lift her aching head, she let it shake once before more pain filled her. "No. I can’t. I'm not hungry."
   "Mom said to come down. You haven't eaten anything at all today." Her sister reminded angrily before stomping out, the door slamming behind her.
   Curling up into a fetal position, she laid there in agony. Why did it all hurt so much?
   She could hear her family down the hall in the dining room. Could hear her sister exclaiming how she didn't want to get up, she didn't want to eat, that she was in a bad mood again.
   "Fine I'll go get her."
   Cringing, she pleaded with God to stop her mom from coming to get her. "Just let them leave me alone!" She begged hoarsely. "I just need to be alone. God, please help me!"
   There was a tapping at her door, and she forced her throat to work more. "Come in."
   "You okay, sweetheart?" The words were soft, but firm and she flicked on the light.
   She watched as her daughter physically blanched and shut her eyes against the intrusion. Her hair and skin were oily, and she was in the same clothes she was in yesterday.
   "I'm just not hungry." She cried. "I'm so tired, Mom."
   "Come on." Her mother coaxed, "You haven't eaten since last night's dinner."
   Groaning, she removed the comforter blanket from her and moved to stand on wobbly legs.
   She leaned on her mother when she got to the doorway. "I'm just so tired." She murmured again. "I can't seem to sleep anymore." Tears pricked her eyes again, and she tired of the helplessness that encompassed her constantly now.
   "You have to get up and do something to expend your energy, sweetheart." Her mother crooned, caressing the oily hair of her daughter now. "We'll get some food in you and you'll feel better."
   Unwilling to fight anymore, she nodded warily and moved behind two of her brothers to sit on the bench with her sister. Blankly she stared down at her place mat, the glass of ice, and the silverware.
   "How much do you want to eat tonight?"
   Looking up, through slitted and slightly swollen eyes, she shrugged slowly. "Not a lot."
   "You haven't eaten today." She was reminded once again.
   Feeling her stomach already churn and revolt she shrugged again. "Then a lot I guess."
   Plates were administrated to the family; eight plates in all, four sons, two daughters, and their two parents.
   Chatter rose up almost instantly as soon as the dinner prayers were said. The milk gallon was passed around, along with the green onions, salt and pepper, and the Worcestershire sauce.
   Incapable of withstanding the noise, she put her left hand to her left ear, and put her right ear against her right shoulder. She forced herself, one forkful at a time, to feed herself. To make her stomach expand to uncomfortable proportions to please her family.
   It was the dropping of her brother's fork against the plate that made her jerk and begin choking on a piece of meat in the Pork Fried Rice.
   Her back was slapped, and her sister panicked regally as everyone's chair was shoved back to try and help.
   When her airway was cleared, she coughed and drank the last of her warming milk. She fought valiantly but the tears came once more. She had lost control of her body.
   "It's ok. You're all right." Her mother explained calmly, rubbing her back, feeling the raised bones of her spine through the heavy sweater.
   She shook her head, she knew she wasn't all right. How could she be? She wanted to die, but in the end had saved herself. What was she thinking? Ruining her big chance…
   "You know, this happens sometimes." Her father tried to gently intone. "You're fine now, and you know we'd never let you get seriously hurt, honey."
   The tears came swifter, but she was hurt! Couldn't they see that? "Can I be excused?"
   She looked up to see her mother nod, and moving out from her seat, she moved into the kitchen and covered her bowl of leftover food with the plastic wrap. Putting her glass and fork in the sink to walked back down the hall and stopped at the bathroom.
   Moving inside she shut and locked the door behind her. She moved to the toilet and lifted both lids, flushed; waited five seconds then turned on the sink.
   Gripping the edge of the counter, she swallowed as much air as she could before her stomach ached even more then moved back to the toilet. Removing her shirt and pulling her hair back, she leaned over and expelled all the air she just swallowed. Bringing up the food she just consumed.
   It hurt. It always did, but the pain faded faster than the pain of having a full stomach. Rinsing her mouth, and using half a cap of mouthwash, the other half water, she cleaned her mouth and traveled back down to her bedroom.
   She could feel the tingling sensations in her legs and shuddering from its affects she sat upon her bed and reached for her deodorant. Popping the top off, she raised the hem of her jean pant leg and scratched incessantly at the irritated skin.
   The ants wouldn't stop crawling on her. Those tiny black ants that always smelt sickeningly sweet like honey.
   Seeing her skin turn red, and blood leak from certain gouges, she sighed in relief and scratched absently with her short fingernails while she put the cap back on her deodorant.
   Burying herself under her covers, she tried to stop the shivers and groped for the pills she had pilfered from her parent's bathroom cabinet. Sleeping pills. The only true form of sleep she would get. At least for a couple of hours, instead of passing out this night.
   "Mom wants to make sure you're okay, Shannon." Her sister announced, stepping into the room.
   Moaning, she stuffed her head under her pillow. "I'm just tired! God, please just let me sleep!"