1) Are you married? Because sometimes some of you seem to forget this apparently.

2) Have you ever been married? I need to know if I'm going to be compared to someone, so that I can leave you now.

3) Are you divorced or in the process of getting one? So I can know if I need to leave you now.

4) Do you believe in equality? Because if you don't, I will leave you now.

5) Do you have kids? Because I need to know if I should leave you now.

6) Do you want kids? Because if you do not foresee yourself having those 2.5 kids yourself, then resign yourself to knowing that we won't be having any together.

7) Do you have any kind of mental disorders that I should be aware of? I need to know just in case I'm supposed to acknowledge your imaginary friend at any given time. Or if I need to set an extra place for Roscoe The Clown.

8) Do you have any emotional problems? Because unless you're willing to pay $100 an hour, I will not be your therapist.

9) Do you have any problems? For there is only room in this relationship for one screwed up person, AND THAT IS ME!

10) Have you at any time thought you were gay? Because if you are, I'm not going to be blamed for it if we don't work out.

11) Are you a cross dresser? I need to know if I have to hide my clothes in case you look better in them than I do.

12) Are you controlling? Because this is not the 18th century; and YOU WILL NOT be making all the decisions.

13) Are you very political? If you are, watch CNN and find yourself a friend, because I won't be listening.

14) Are you open-minded? If not, I can slice you open to make you so, and I've got just the tool too!

15) Do you have a sense of humor? Because if you don't, eventually you will be seriously insulted by me.

16) Do you already have a mother? Because I will not be yours!

17) Are you a conversationalist? Because I do not want there to be a rival between you and the wall for my attention.

18) Do you think that you need to date other people while we are? If so, don't be so surprised when I'm already doing that.

19) Do I have to worry about being contacted by your ex? Especially if she doesn't know you've broken up yet?

20) Do you feel you need to hit your women? Because if you do, I must warn you that I don't mind castrating abusers.

21) Do you smoke? Because if you do, I will assume you are on fire and then proceed in putting you out.

22) Do you do drugs? If you do, don't be shocked when I turn your ass in.

23) Are you going to try and get me to watch or go to any sporting event? Because, if you do, I will make you go clothes shopping with me at the mall. And I will stop at every store.

24) Do you think you spout off a lot of negative comments? Because if you can't say something nice, SHUT UP! If you don't... I've got duct tape and nails to do it for you.

25) Are you mature? Because I'm already assuming that you're a grown up, so no pulling childish stunts or I will call you on it and give you a time out.

26) Do you think you are stubborn? Because when you do something wrong do NOT hesitate to apologize. And you'd better do it well.

27) Do think that you can screw up and me not do something about it? Don't assume that I need sex as much as you. Do something wrong, I will take it away and I won't feel bad about it.

28) Do you mind that if we end up marrying and then divorcing, I'm taking half your shit anyway?

29) If we did marry, do you believe that divorce would be the absolute LAST RESORT? Marriage isn't something that you should get out of on a whim, but if you feel that way, drive me home now please.

30) At any point in this questionnaire did you lie?