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Monkey Magic/Red Dwarf Crossover Fan Fic

“Engaging reheat,” said the Cat, flicking the appropriate toggle switches.

“And we are . . . go!” exclaimed Lister as Starbug moved out of Loading Bay 21, avoiding all doors, walls and other stationary objects to hurtle out of the bulbous monstrosity that was Red Dwarf and into deep space.

“Gentlemen, humour me. What exactly is this expedition in aid of?” Rimmer asked, still grumpy after Holly denied his request for a hologramatic version of Inflatable Ingrid.

“Hol says there’s some kind of whirly spacy thing around the area,” Lister replied. “And knowing our luck with whirly spacy things, it may be something interesting. I’m tired of Junior Angler.”

“It could also be a smeggy great waste of time,” Rimmer retorted. “Ask him to re-check the radar. It was probably another of Lister’s congealed sneezes on the screen.”

“Mr Rimmer sir, there is definitely something out there,” Kryten interjected from the navi-comp, punching away at the keyboard, and occasionally buffing a key with a soft cloth. “From what I can see it appears to be - well, a whirly spacy thing, sir.”

“There’s definitely something there,” the Car remarked. “My nostril hairs are quivering faster than a fat woman’s ass on a Treadmill.”

“Oh great,” Rimmer sighed. “Whirly spacy thing, here we come.”

“And there she is,” remarked Lister. Sure enough, a mere few clicks away, was a soft shimmery type glitch in the smooth void of space, which could only be described as a whirly spacy thing.

“Well, now what?” asked Rimmer. “Just dive right in, I suppose.”

“Orright, lads?” Holly’s pixelised image appeared on the cockpit’s vid-screen. “Ah, there’s that whirly spacy thing I was talking about. Pretty, innit?”

“What do you suggest we do, Hol?” asked Lister.

“Just dive right in, I spose,” said Holly. “Can’t be any worse that any of the other smeg we’ve come across.”

“I agree with Holly,” said Kryten. “There could be something useful to us in there!”

“Quick census,” said Rimmer, making counting gestures with his hands “Hmm, interesting results. Sane persons, 1. Complete smegging nutters, 3.”

“Oh, come on Rimmer, we’re going in, alright?” said Lister. “Let’s go, Cat.”

“Alriiiggghhht!” said the Cat, firing the thrusters and sending Starbug shooting in the direction of the whirly spacy thing.

“Pigsy, you are so very ugly!” Monkey snapped irritably. He was tired of walking, and Tripitaka had refused him the use of his cloud.

“Monkey . . .” began Sandy, placatingly.

“And you, Sandy are so very ugly as well!” Monkey was in no mood for being soothed and swung his staff restlessly.

“Monkey! No fighting!” said Tripitaka sternly.

Monkey sulked. “I, Monkey, great sage equal of heaven, am sick of this walking!”

“We’re all tired,” said Tripitaka, patiently.

“Bah! Alright for you, who gets to ride on a horse all day,” muttered Monkey under his breath and was pleased to note an expression of guilt cross Tripitaka’s face.

The group trudged along the winding, stony path, Pigsy occasionally batting rocks away with his curiously-shaped weapon, Monkey still swinging his staff, Tripitaka riding serenely atop the grey horse and Sandy plodding along behind, looking gloomy as usual.

Suddenly, from surrounding boulders, leapt a small group of black-clad ninjas, brandishing numchuckas.

“Halt!” barked Monkey. “You dare to cross our paths, and disrupt our spiritual journey?”

The head ninja spoke. “Give us the horse or we will kill your priest!”

Monkey grinned, no longer bored, and began swinging his staff in earnest. Behind him, Pigsy and Sandy had their weapons at the ready.

“Are you ready . . .”

“. . . to rumble?” Lister sang along to one of his own Smeg And The Head bootlegs and then threw his headphones off in amazement as the planetoid they were heading towards became more familiar.

“Kryters, is that what I think it is?”

“If you’re referring to Earth, I believe so, sir.” Kryten replied. Holly nodded in agreement.

“Yep, that’s what it is. Earth,” he confirmed.

“But when and what’s so wacky about this one,” Lister mused.

“Why is it we’re always heading to Earth?” remarked Rimmer. “I’m from Io. I’ve been to Earth once on a school field trip. Kryten was manufactured from some factory on Mimas and the Cat is a true citizen of the colony Red Dwarf. It’s only you, Lister who actually comes from Earth and that was well-over three million years ago!”

“It’s me home, man!” Lister replied. “Your ancestors came from there. Cat’s ancestors came from there. Kryten’s manufacturers came from there. So that’s where we’re going!”

“And we’re going to . . .!” Cat’s belated warning was cut short, as Starbug landed heavily on some primitive landscape, “land!” he finished brightly as Lister, Kryten and Rimmer picked themselves up from the cockpit floor.

Stepping outside, the first thing they heard was a babble of frantic gibberish and the sounds of clanging metal.

“Sounds like somebody’s enjoying a rumble!” Lister observed.

“Oh! I forgot my . . .” Rimmer quickly dashed back inside to the safety of Starbug’s cockpit.

“Testicles?” Lister called back after him and shook his head, wondering yet again how someone virtually indestructible could be such a smegging coward.


Monkey, Sandy and Pigsy made short work of the ninja gang and the group started again on their way. Monkey was in a much better frame of mind and so did not immediately spring into fight-mode when they encountered the green craft and it’s occupants.

Lister, Cat, Rimmer and Kryten faced up to Monkey, Sandy, Pigsy and Tripitaka.

“I am Monkey, great sage equal of Heaven!” proclaimed Monkey by way of introduction.

“Lister,” replied Lister. “This is Rimmer, Kryten and - Cat? What the smeg are you doing??”

Cat had that look in his eyes, and was carefully polishing his personal cutlery set.

“I’m going to eat you, little fishie!” he sang at Sandy, who looked alarmed as Cat bared his fangs and licked his lips.

“Cat! You’re not eating him!” The Cat sulked and brightened when he caught a whiff of pork. Swivelling his gaze around to Pigsy, he continued to sing.

“I’m going to eat you, little piggy!” Pigsy brandished his weapon.

“Cat, no!” Lister pulled him back.