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About Self Injury
Secret Shame
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Oh, Blasphemy.

Thursday, 2 December 2004

Diary Entry from December 27th, 2002
I'm very relaxed and cozy in my bed right now. Been home for the holidays since the 14th of December. Left on the 13th at 3pm and got in Kap at 7am. The train ride was interesting. I got a ride from London to Toronto with Steff, and almost didn't make the train on time. On the train I met up with a girl from work and a guy she went to school with. Across from us were 2 guys from Smooth Rock, Shawn and Ben. We all talked with each other until late, then Mel and her school friend tried to sleep, so did Ben, but I wasn't tired and neither was Shawn so we went into the dining cart to play cards. He was totally messed up on shrooms. Told me all his problems in life. We've been keeping in contact since then, when he came to Kap for his G licence we went out for coffee.

Posted by hi/gabrie2 at 5:08 PM EST
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Diary Entry from December 13, 2002
Section blacked out

Kelley moved out of here almost two weeks ago and it's been great. So much less stress. We can actually sleep at night again. Her and Dave were being such assholes. And she said that we were driving her crazy! So now hwen we get back we're going to have a new roommate in the room next to mine. I hope they find someone who's decent and not a psycho bitch like Kell was. As soon as Kell was gone Steff gave us a cooler and we had a toast, "goodbye psycho bitch!"

Posted by hi/gabrie2 at 5:05 PM EST
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Diary Entry from December 8, 2002
I really wanted this diary to be filled with nice, happy memories. Keep telling everyone (and myself) that college is a blast. Well, I suppose that it is a blast compared to my life in Kapuskasing. Over there I did absolutely nothing: wake up at noon, walk around town, have coffee, say hi to mom, go to work for a few hours, go home, kill time, go to sleep, start the process over again. Man, was I ever a loser. At least over here I can socialize at will, there are things to wake up for, places to see and explore. And even though I've fucked up my chances of getting my certificate this year somehow I don't feel as crushed as I should be. But fucking up is what I do best. Tonight I took too much topamax, 1000 mg instead of 200. It was an impulse thing. I'm having trouble with it again, big time and I don't want anyone to know because the doctors are on my case about it. The psych keeps asking if I have a plan to kill myself. When I say no, he asks if I picture it being done in any certain way. If I say yes it would be admitting that I lied to the first question, wouldn't it? Those shrinks are sneaky. The doctor here wrote down that I was suicidal and that's why the pdocs are on my case so much, but I never told Sarah (doc) that I was suicidal. So basically if I say one thing wrong, they can chuck me in the hospital.

Posted by hi/gabrie2 at 4:55 PM EST
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The Misery Chronicles
Mood:  hug me
Now Playing: Dig by Mudvayne
I'm sleep deprived, unrested, miserable, going through symptoms of psychosis and falling behind in everything. I don't want to see my friends anymore, the only reason I bother to visit them is because I know that they'll cheer me up eventually. I chose to quit smoking at a very bad time. It's finals soon, everyone is stressed out, and I need something to calm me down. My karate lesson is tonight and I don't feel like going again; last week I didn't go because the hallucinations were too distracting. I'm not schizophrenic, I know these visions aren't real and know they can't hurt me. It's the voices that bother me most. They comment on every single little thing that I do and somehow turn it into something negative. Why?! Is it really the stress that's doing this? What stress? Sure, I recently broke up with a guy that I had willingly gave my heart to and actually thought he cared. Why did this event trigger all these negative things in my life again? They were dormant while I was with him. Now I live in a student residence again, my roommates are real bitches, school is burning me out. The nightmares keep me away until it's light enough out that I can see if something is going to attack me or not. I see shadows in the dark coming after me... what on earth is all of this symbolizing?

Posted by hi/gabrie2 at 4:42 PM EST
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Diary Entry from November 11, 2002
I'm feeling really shitty. Been depressed and not even noticed which isn't like me, normally I can see the signs really fast and stop them. For quite a while now I've not been able to sleep well (worse than usual), bad appetite, have been sick, isolating myself, not doing homework, been thinking about cutting & drugs& smoking. How could I have not noticed I'm depressed? It's so obviously there, but maybe it's because I've been hiding my emotions so well in front of other people. Probably convinced myself that everything was alright. There was one night where I was really agitated (huge section of diary blacked out) ... if I OD'd on meds. (another blacked out section) ... knows something is wrong but also knows that I'm getting help for it. The doctor wants me to speak to a psychiatrist. I'm a wreck. Cut myself today.

Posted by hi/gabrie2 at 2:05 AM EST
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Diary Entry from October 2, 2002
OK, so there's been lots of things going on and I've been losing sleep. My program has suddenly become very demanding, I can barely keep up, if at all. Thank god I had the green sheet for essay extensions becauase I'd be toast by now. I'm considering switching programs into something more interesting and specific, something I can enjoy and actually see a future in. What I'm doing now just seems so vague - where is it going to take me? It makes me nervous.
(lower section of entry blacked out)

Posted by hi/gabrie2 at 1:59 AM EST
Updated: Thursday, 2 December 2004 2:07 AM EST
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Diary Entry from September 25, 2002
All hell has broken loose on the roommate front, we barely talk to each other. I don't know what happened but I seen it coming, Kell is too moody and judgemental, Kerri doesnt even attempt to adapt and thens omehow they get together to complain about things. Steff is getting crabby too, from all the bitching. Dave hasn't been around in days, and I stay in my room most of the time. Kell is such a spoiled brat. She complains that it's dirty in here all the time but never lifts a finger to try and clean the place. One day she came in and huffed, "Isn't anybody going to take out hte garbage?" meaning: I want somebody to take it out. She hasn't done it once yet.

Posted by hi/gabrie2 at 1:56 AM EST
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Diary Entry from September 22, 2002
I went to the zoo last weekend and met a bunch of awesome people. One of them is Dave. Since then me and Steff have been spending loads of time with him, and I haven't been geting much sleep. That's alright though, even when I get the opportunity to sleep in now I don't sleep for more than 8 hours. My sleep cycle has corrected itself. Anyway, I've been drinking a bit. The most I drank so far was at the Expose Yourself pub night, I went with Steff and Dave and we met up with a bunch of other people. I had a couple of shooters, baileys and Dave gave me beer. I felt so horrible the next day for the entire day. Something we've come up with is "laundry parties". It's when a couple of us need to do laundry, so we get in our pyjamas and hang out in the lounge until the laundry is done, then hang out in somebody's room. My classes are a bit hard to keep up with, I dropped the English class and switched to philosophy. There's still 5 essays to write but not that much reading. It's the two mandatory courses that are hard, so many quizzes and it's hard to just squeak through. I do the readings and study them but apparently it's not enough. Right now I have the cold from hell. It started Friday and more symptoms kept popping up so I said screw it, and went to get some Tylenol cold. I feel better but my body is doing weird things, I'll get it chekced out later if this keeps up. Aunt Louise is in London, I'll be seeing her on Tuesday. She wanted to see me today but I'm not feeling good enough to make a trip in the city. Well my laundry should be done now.

Posted by hi/gabrie2 at 1:52 AM EST
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Diary Entry From September 7, 2002
My day wasn't the greatest. I slept in until 1 and woke up on the wrong side of the bed.

Posted by hi/gabrie2 at 1:41 AM EST
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Diary Entry from September 6, 2002
Well I survived the first week! I'm so glad that it's Friday though. One thing that I have to get off my ass is that stupid book The Odyssey of Homer. It's horrible. I have no idea why the teacher is mkaing us read it, and hopefully she doesn't expect an essay out of it. I get along with my roommates fine so far, except the only one who really bothers me is Kell. She just assumes things about everyone. Somehow I get the impression she'd rather be rooming with other people. Steph is awesome. She gets anxiety attacks. She's a little wird but I like her, we went grocery shopping tonight. Kerri keeps to herself and talks to almost nobody except her family. I'd like to get to know her better but she seems so withdrawn. I hope to meet new people who don't drink. That seems to be very popular here, the drinking. It's disgusting. There are parties every night on this floor, I don't know how some people do it. Well I'm going to study now. It's Shinerama tomorrow and I doubt much will get done because of it.

Posted by hi/gabrie2 at 1:40 AM EST
Updated: Thursday, 2 December 2004 1:46 AM EST
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