| "Is Your Cat Mentally Retarded?" Viki Reed divilo@pacbell.net (SELECT THE APPROPRIATE ANSWER OR ANSWERS FOR EACH QUESTION AND TALLY ALL POINTS FOR EACH QUESTION.) 1. Where does your cat prefer to sleep? A. IN TRASH-CANS (5 points) B. UNDER KITCHEN SINK, WITH HOUSEHOLD TOXINS (8 points) C. IN A BAG SO SMALL, IT HOLDS ONLY A MAGAZINE (15 points) D. IN HER OWN LITTER-BOX (25 points) E. IN HER OWN LITTER-BOX, WHILE CUDDLING CLUMPED- URINE AND FECES (35 points) F. IN THE DIRT MOUND THAT NEIGHBORHOOD CATS USE AS A FORM OF PUBLIC BATHROOM (45 points) G. ALL OF THE ABOVE (50 points)
2. How does your cat react to tasty morsels of ‘people food’? A. SNIFFING IT, WALKING AWAY (5 points) B. SNIFFING IT, LOOKS AROUND ROOM, COVERS-UP FOOD WITH ‘IMAGINARY COMPOUND’, AS IF HIDING FOR LATER (8 points) C. SNIFFING IT, TOUCHING IT, JUMPING 5 FT. IN FEAR OF TASTY MORSEL (15 points) D. PLAYS WITH TASTY MORSEL, IGNORING TOYS (25 points) E. EATS QUICKLY, VOMITS IMMEDIATELY AFTER (35 points) F. EATS QUICKLY, VOMITS IMMEDIATELY AFTER AND EATS THE REGURGITATED REMAINS (45 points) G. ALL OF THE ABOVE (50 points)
3. What is your cat’s favorite toy/form of amusement? A. SMALL RUBBER BALL (5 points) B. FEATHER DUSTER W/REAL FEATHERS (8 points) C. DRAWSTRING FROM SWEATPANTS (15 points) D. PLASTIC FLEXI-STRAW (25 points) E. CRICKET OR GRASSHOPPER (35 points) F. PARTIAL REMAINS OF CRICKET OR GRASSHOPPER (45 points) G. ALL OF THE ABOVE (50 points)
4. How does your cat react to contact with unfamiliar cats? A. RUNS AWAY (5 points) B. HISSES, GROWLS, TAIL POOFS-OUT (8 points) C. PLAYFULLY TAGS A CLEARLY MORE AGGRESSIVE CAT (15 points) D. STOPS CLEANING ITSELF FOR A MOMENT (25 points) E. LOOKS AT YOU, AS IF SPEAKING (35 points) F. ALLOWS STRANGE CAT TO COME IN THROUGH BEDROOM WINDOW, AND STEAL SOILED UNDERWEAR AND SOCKS, WATCHES STRANGE CAT DO THE ABOVE (45 points) G. ALL OF THE ABOVE (50 points)
5. What seems to relax your cat? A. A NEAR-PAINFUL SCRATCH TO THE BASE OF SPINE (5 points) B. SOCK FILLED WITH CAT-NIP (8 points) C. A SOCK FILLED WITH BLACK PEPPER (15 points) D. A DEAD OR DYING BLUE-JAY (25 points) E. MASSAGING OF NEUTERING SCAR (35 points) F. SITTING ON A 6’ HIGH BOOKSHELF, AND LEAVING ONLY 8-9" OF HEAD-SPACE-FOR 4 HOURS (45 points) G. ALL OF THE ABOVE (50 points)
6. Rapid Fire Yes or No Questions: 6a. Has your cat ever accidentally electrocuted itself by chewing on Christmas Lights, Telephone Cords, or Computer Wiring..MORE THAN ONCE? YES=40 NO=10
6B. Does your cat fling cat-litter across 8’ of linoleum? YES=45 NO=5
6c. Does your cat sit at your front door and wail, even after the door is left open? YES=50 NO=0
6d. Does your cat follow you by walking directly under your feet? YES=50 NO=0
6e. Does your cat drink from a toilet? YES=15 NO=35
6f. Does your cat drink from an unflushed toilet? YES=50 NO=0
SCORING- 1-600: Marginally stupid, could be taught by rote with constant attention and Prozac therapy. 600-2000: Just keep feeding it and talking to it, you can always pretend it’s a relatively bright cat. 2000-3600: Don’t let it outside, it will surely eat a dead possum in the road if left unattended. 3600-UP: Screw with it’s head. It won’t remember one trick from the next. Try putting a loose, rubber-band around both Maybe put the cat on a very high perch somewhere in the house, videotape the cat trying to figure out how to get-down. Take the cat to children’s parties as an act: "Brain-Surgeon! The Amazing Hair-Do and Wardrobe Kitty!(Then the children take turns putting their underwear and barrettes on the cat while Michael Jackson music plays loudly in the background.)Basically, this cat is lucky to have you as an owner; many people would lose their patience and ship him off to Bain De Soliel or Ford for product-testing. You must really love this little critter. Brain Candy E-Zine has no rights to this story. The rights belong to the author. |
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