"Terrell
chosen!"
But I never am
I was born invisible
I will disappear
invisibly at the end
"Did you see him?
Did you hear him?
Did you read him?"
"Of course not he was invisible"
I don't walk into
crowds I walk through them
I pass through love shadow kissing
in the dark
safe-sex
I get shadow burns
even my mother never saw me as the me I have
self-creatively become I met her once
in a sorrowful dream
that was replayed
when I became an adolescent she said
she was sorry I asked
her what she was sorry about
she said she was sorry that I was invisible
I told her I was sorry that she was sorry
that I was invisible
'sorry mom'
now you too are invisible
you naughty ghost you
but I enjoy it sometimes
I could have been on the cover of Time
headlines: if fate was directional
I could have had bush ballads written about me
OUT IN THE BUSH
NO INVISIBLE WANKER WAS HE'
It is so easy to be me
sssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssh!
I really don't want that to get out
if everyone found out how easy it is to be me
shit
I wouldn't have a chance
of being me anymore.
Yes I am a Leo
I am an American
I am six foot two white
angler saxoner male too heterosexual for
the neighborhood
wow! who couldn't replicate that?
Even my girl friend
five foot ten, aussie, well-heeled snob, a female
now she is me too.
See I told you it was easy to be me.
And my beliefs? I have none
well, except, for the minor ones that make no sense
and which I pass on to my children when they are looking the other way.
(I am a subliminal father - slipping in jokes about the way we live beneath all conscious hearing so they only are affected in their dreams - when they are listening to me being serious about the way we live)
And my religion?
I have none except... accept...
Well maybe a weeeee Terrellism
A born-again Terrell
And my theories? I have none
except, for the one
we were all born shits and we will die shits
If I were up-my-self enough to write an autobiography
how I would I say what better than that?
'I gave birth to my mother in 1947.
She was an ass, so I put her up for adoption a couple of years later
when I discovered she wasn't:
Stevie Nicks
Sharon Stone
Goldie Hawn
Attila the Hun
Marie Antoinette
Oh! Did I tell you? I was Marie Antoinette the consort of France
yes I dressed in drag
I still love guillotines
often I have dreams of circumcision
the blade dropping
my girl friend
my mom
my sister
taking my balls
taping them
on to themselves
and becoming me.
====================== ************************** LOOK I JUST DON'T KNOW WHY SHE KEEPS DYING EVERYTIME I LOOK IN THE MIRROR PARTS OF HER ROLL OFF OF MY MEMORIES ONTO THE FLOOR MOTHER PLEASE DON'T GO STAY IN THE MIRROR THERE IS NO WHERE NO MORE NO LONGER WHERE CAN I BE IF I CAN'T BE THE REFLECTION OF YOU? I never did get to know her the way she smiled when I looked at her in the 1950s before rock and roll took hold she let go of me She died in the 1970s not longer after I found freedom from the 1960s before I could find her I think of her where she is when she isn't with me out there in cold space beyond life as we know it waving to me waiting for me wanting to tell me it wasn't my fault that she put me up for adoption when I was too young to tell her that all we had to do was run and we would be free. I knew only how to crawl then she just sat and cried birds flew she watched them circle the clouds above my dreams but she was so fastened to the ground the earth wept tears of oceans so salty even (evenly) no where is more so than another. Some day we will be together we never were then when we were together all the world seemed so peaceful deep within the memory eludes me I cling so tightly to it the peacefullness I knew when we were together when the sea and the sky came together where time and rhythm united us I see here so often dancing above the clouds that so often covers my view of heaven laughing I laugh with her and she holds out her hand out outside what a mistake I made to let go her hand I make that mistake so often this world is such shit I really don't care what happens here I would like to see my children succeed I would like to see my lover be free I would like world peace I would like to run naked with Sandra Bullock through my dreams but who would be there to watch us? My mother My mother was a good person I heard that once a person passing me in the street in New Orleans in 1973 said to another person "she was a good person" I knew they were talking about my mother in New York who I never knew but they did and she died the next year And here I am in the 1990s. 1996. What a shit year. Another ten years the world will explode I am so excited finally I get to be with my mother once again. 8-17-96 I. P LEASE O PEN E XACERBATED M EMORIES S LOWLY. wind strewed dreams stream free flown froM super-subconscious cageS ming ling less rhyming than reason ing poetic clutcheS narrative breaks through narrative break throughs it all I found my Self kissing ghosts of dreams knowing its meaning to be this life the dot the period the full-stop at the end of so many lives Now this sentence this life this dot the end all rest now forever caged dreams for others to try to believe to have the ghost boooooo in their wind strewn dreams too. 6-29 II. bells The tone of childhood BELLS all I remember (now) from my childhood bells on the carriage as we: off to synagogue off to school off to grandparent's tombs horses pulled quickly over the snow BELLS (now) when I hear them middle of my childhood I arrive hypertext back to me CLICK HERE childhood a gain little would I care to remember so I haunt myself boo deep in memories (now) repressed I see small egos eagles in flight fright maybe may be wait CLICK HERE hyperlinks everywhere I click moving mouse pressing return still so far away a way bags of sand sandbags damming up memories threatening to overflow the end this lie I live (now) - there are no bells from my childhood remembered I made that all up bells what a laugh I was born in 1947 there were cars then no horse drawn sleds with bells stolen images to trick myself with but I didn't. Were you fooled? tits At the library I watched her slowly undress smiling lips moving slowly I tried to hide behind the computer screen that separated her clothes one by one landing covering my computer screen. I am reading on alt.Jesus why I died for her sins no one else sees her naked on the other side of the table males females students professors all looking at their computer screens she smiles as her breasts enlarge implants I think her tongue licking the corner of my desire I continue with alt.Jesus I download ftp.jesus died for me blood laughs spurts the naked girl smiles I look around males females students professors they don't care I smile back the naked girl climbs over the desk uploads herself ftp to alt.Jesus I look up there she is on the second cross to the left bleeding too. III. trapped in the the Bosnia-Herzegovina of my mind. Aristophanes telling jokes Dionysus becomes a cane toad rowing Charon's boat through the Bosnia-Herzegovina of my mind. I love the commercials 'take a break buy the world' 'drink my love touch the sky' United Nations drooling squads oozing vasopressins in the rain abolishing reality the Ottoman conquest of Serbia in 1389 1990s do we forget so easy? nothing ever changes Pepsi is the one for me wheat bran is 42.4 percent fibre fiber nibbling on a teaspoon or so of sugar may cure hiccoughs do the bombed out war victims with only themselves to blame for being born not in Saskatchewan worry about hiccoughs? lymphocytopenia? the common cold? paratyphoid? Pears in red wine make a most attractive pudding Aristophanes telling jokes Dionysus becomes a cane toad rowing Charon's boat through the Bosnia-Herzegovina of my mind. Othello such a whiner "Had it pleased God To try me with affliction; had He rained All kind of sores and shames on my bare head, Steeped me in poverty to the very lips..." boy do I ever know that one poverty is like a cold sore I try to hide it from the world but everyone sees me embellisher I am not I hide though behind myself frequently not far from Tel Aviv I am me expressive aphasia receptive aphasia creative aphasia Aristophanes telling jokes Dionysus becomes a cane toad rowing Charon's boat through the Bosnia-Herzegovina of my mind. anything that can't be nailed down will be swept away And its patented tell me let me tell you first a nursery rhyme tintinnabulation sensation relation my sister's lips my sister's hips conciliatory smiles all around Aristophanes telling jokes Dionysus becomes a cane toad rowing Charon's boat through the Bosnia-Herzegovina of my mind IV. 'ME' I would be happy if I was chosen Terrell chosen! But I never am I was born invisible I will disappear invisibly at the end "Did you see him? Did you hear him? Did you read him?" "Of course not he was invisible" I don't walk into crowds I walk through them I pass through love shadow kissing in the dark safe-sex I get shadow burns even my mother never saw me I met her once in a sorrowful dream that was replayed when I became an adolescent she said she was sorry I asked her what she was sorry about she said she was sorry that I was invisible I told her I was sorry that she was sorry that I was invisible 'sorry mom' now you too are invisible you naughty ghost you but I enjoy it sometimes I could have been on the cover of Time headlines: if fate was directional 'TERRELL NO LONGER INVISIBLE' I could have had bush ballads written about me 'NO WANKER NO WANKER HE WAS OUT IN THE BUSH NO INVISIBLE WANKER WAS HE' if fate was directional I could have been a published writer 'INVISIBLE WRITER PUBLISHES BOOK' if fate was directional. It is so easy to be me sssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssh! I really don't want that to get out if everyone found out how easy it is to be me shit I wouldn't have a chance of being me anymore. Yes I am a Leo I am an American I am six foot two white angler saxoner male too heterosexual for the neighborhood wow! who couldn't replicate that? Even my girl friend once Jewish born, black, five foot ten, aussie snob, a female now she is me too. See I told you it was easy to be me. And my beliefs? I have none well, except, for the minor ones that make no sense and which I pass on to my children when they are looking the other way. (I am a subliminal father - slipping in jokes about the way we live beneath all conscious hearing so they only are affected in their dreams - when they are listening to me being serious about the way we live) And my religion? I have none except... accept... Well maybe a weeeee bit Terrellism A born-again Terrell And my theories? I have none except, for the one that we were all born shits and we will die shits If I were up-my-self enough to write an autobiography how I would I say what? 'I gave birth to my mother in 1947. She was an ass, so I put her up for adoption a couple of years later when I discovered she wasn't Stevie Nicks Sharon Stone Goldie Hawn Attila the Hun Marie Antoinette Oh! Did I tell you? I was Marie Antoinette the consort of France yes I dressed in drag I still love guillotines often I have dreams of circumcision the blade dropping my girl friend my mom my sister taking my balls taping them on to themselves and becoming me. V. Yoko Ono's tits Heat doesn't exist cold welcome to now when yesterday was a blonde in heat I love being a male a guy a bloke a dude feministic fodder a non-politically un-corrected type of hu-man. I have raised my children alone. gave birth to them too let my lover have her way with me whenever she is hungry enough and I am hungry enough to let her have her way with me. I clean house wash clothes cook meals fix the car go to baseball basketball play chess What is it that women do that I don't do? complain! well I ain't about to do that I am a man men don't complain I dream of having oral sex with joan of Arc every night while we pray prey Knight that I am burning in that wall of fire that us heathens know nothing other than Otherwise I feel nothing different sexist un-politically corrected that I am watch me: mailman; man-nerism; man-hole-cover; male-factor; man-ichean; man-acle; wo-man; man-of-war; man-sion; man-ual; male-fern; man-tilla, man-dolin; male-volent; man-aging; man-acle; male-diction; man-nequin; male-ficent man-eater man-eater man-eater man-eater man-o-man my goal in life is to be a male and nothing more what is it that those other genders do that I don't? I am oppressed I am un-powered I am suppressed Harvard, Yale, Dartmouth, Cornell, Columbia, Princeton Deakin? Because they don't have ivy they get left out of the elite but they have me ha ha ha ha if Yoko Ono put ha ha ha ha ha ha one thousand times somewhere probably across her tits she would become famous I say ha ha ha ha ah ah and what? Just because I am a redneck a hick from Hackham Hackham is this area of crime and poverty and graffiti in this banana republic area I live move and have my being in my son is a graffiti artist everywhere even on Yoko Ono's tits. When we were in Germany in '92 I told the children that when I got it 'all together' then I would get a house on one of those groovy side-streets in Baden-Baden near the Friedrichsbad bathing palace where I in the thickets of the night I paid DM50,000 to write my name on Yoko Ono's tits. VI. Pro fessionally as any neighbors Pro fessionally to my neighbors take away food surgery deli graffiti at 9 o'clock so many females to few adolescents piecing tagging I wanted to laugh with my neighbors pro fessionally they laughed at me I blew up their house the grandparents were the first to die I could tell there were old arms parts of old faces scattered upon the ground from the explosion then the parents and finally the children dead no longer wanting to laugh with me about the state of the world whirl words have no meaning I pull words out of the air and mix then with the soup 'see?' I said no matter what you want when meaning is attached someone has to act crazy it is my turn ask the neighbors dangling in the trees pro fessing as ghosts would with no one of much listening. VII. MISTAKEN IDENTITIES greeting card poems hiding whispering pretending to be disarticulative enough to be seen heard smelt as poems I can smell a good poem at 50 paces out to sea close to a sulphur like odor if you follow my drift 'one poem on rye' I cried to my escort service they sent me a japanese jingling jezebel who could not rhyme dot 'haiku' she whispered then bit my navel I told her a joke in Polish she whispered 'hokku' I really don't speak Polish just jejune yak but we had a laugh in the rain we put up an umbrella preventing cats and dogs orgastic when they see greeting card poems written by mistake identity. 'THE TITLE OF THIS POEM, WHICH I AM CLAIMING THIS IS, NOT TO BE CONFUSED WITH THE ACTUAL POEM ITSELF IS SIMILIAR BUT DIFFERENT THAT THE AVERAGE POETIC CONVENTION SET AT 'PROPER POETIC CONVENTIONS FOR THE WRITING OF POETRY' IN GENEVA IN AUGUST OF 1699 WHICH OF WHICH I KNOW LITTLE IF ANYTHING ABOUT AS WHEN THE TITLE BECOMES THE WRITING AND THE WRITING IS THE PART BENETH SO OFTEN ASSOCIATED WITH THAT WHICH FOLLOWS IN ALMOST ALL TYPICAL POETIC PROTOCALS THE TITLE, THOUGH NOT IN THIS CASE AS THIS, WHICH OF WHAT IS BEING READ NOW IS ACTUALLY THE TITLE COMING FIRST AND FOREMOST ON THE PAGE AS IT IS JUST AS ANY TITLE WOULD COME FIRST AND FOREMOST WITH WHAT IS TO FOLLOW BEING THE ACTUAL POEM IF YOU WERE KIND ENOUGH TO BELIVE THAT WHICH IT IS BEING THAT WHICH FOLLOWS THAT WHICH IS WHICH IN THIS CASE IS THE TITLE'. Poems without titles are not as far as I am aware poems at all not un like a ladder naked of its step still a ladder. P LEASE (I) O PEN E XACERBATED M EMORIES S LOWLY. wind strewed dreams stream free flown froM super-subconscious cageS ming ling less rhyming than reason ing poetic clutcheS narrative breaks through narrative break throughs in it all I found my Self kissing ghosts of dreams knowing its meaning to be this life the dot the period the full-stop at the end of so many lives Now this sentence this life this dot the end all rest now forever caged dreams for others to try to believe to have the ghost boooooo in their wind strewn dreams too. BELLS (II) The tone of childhood BELLS (tintinnabulation) all I remember (now) from my childhood bells on the carriage as we: off to synagogue off to school off to grandparent's tombs horses pulled US quickly over the snow BELLS (now) when I hear them middle of my childhood I arrive hypertext back to me CLICK HERE childhood a gain little would I care to remember so I haunt myself boo deep in memories (now) repressed I see small egos eagles in flight fright maybe may be wait CLICK HERE hyperlinks everywhere I click moving mouse pressing return still so far away a way bags of sand sandbags damming up memories threatening to overflow the end this lie I live (now) - (to tell the truth) - (the real truth) - (not an alternative truth) there are no bells from my childhood remembered I made that all up bells what a laugh I was born in 1947 : Royal wedding - Princess Elizabeth in Prince Philip Harold Wilson in Cabinet at 31 Brit's 1st atomic power station Al Capone dies Radiocarbon proves I am real Truman Doctrine Marshall Plan Letterman, Elton John, Schwarzenegger, O.J. Simpson, David Bowie there were cars then no horse drawn sleds with bells stolen images to trick myself with but I didn't. Were you fooled? TITS (III) At the library I watched her slowly undress smiling lips moving slowly I tried to hide behind the computer screen that separated her clothes one by one landing covering my computer screen. I am reading on alt.Jesus why I died for her sins no one else sees her naked on the other side of the table males females students professors all looking at their computer screens she smiles as her breasts enlarge implants I think her tongue licking the corner of my desire I continue with alt.Jesus I download ftp.jesus died for me blood laughs spurts the naked girl smiles I look around males females students professors they don't care I smile back the naked girl climbs over the desk uploads herself ftp to alt.Jesus I look up there she is on the second cross to the left bleeding too. TRAPPED IN THE BOSNIA-HERZEGOVINA OF MY MIND (IV) Aristophanes telling jokes Dionysus becomes a cane toad while rowing Charon's boat through the Bosnia-Herzegovina of my mind. I love the commercials 'take a break buy the world' 'drink my love touch the sky' United Nations drooling squads oozing vasopressins in the rain abolishing reality the Ottoman conquest of Serbia in 1389 continuing 1990s do we forget so easy? nothing ever changes Pepsi is the one for me wheat bran is 42.4 percent fibre fiber nibbling on a teaspoon or so of sugar may cure hiccoughs do the bombed out war victims with only themselves to blame for being born not in Saskatchewan worry about hiccoughs? lymphocytopenia? the common cold? paratyphoid? Pears in red wine make a most attractive pudding Aristophanes telling jokes Dionysus becomes a cane toad rowing Charon's boat through the Bosnia-Herzegovina of my mind. Othello, such a whiner "Had it pleased God To try me with affliction; had He rained All kind of sores and shames on my bare head, Steeped me in poverty to the very lips..." boy do I ever know that one poverty is a cold sore on the lips of my desire. I try to hide it from the world but everyone sees me embellisher I am not I hide though behind myself frequently not far from Tel Aviv I am me - communicating expressive aphasia receptive aphasia creative aphasia Aristophanes telling jokes Dionysus becomes a cane toad rowing Charon's boat through the Bosnia-Herzegovina of my mind. Anything that can't be nailed down will be swept away And its patented tell me let me tell you first a nursery rhyme tintinnabulation sensation relation my sister's lips my sister's hips conciliatory smiles all around. Aristophanes telling jokes Dionysus becomes a cane toad rowing Charon's boat through the Bosnia-Herzegovina of my mind I KNEW (VI) I knew the night along side the amour seeking moor under a full pregnant moon in Scorpio with you would be so sat isfying and without regret when I saw you at the deli out of the corner of my eye buying them in my favorite colour and the large pack too.
