If She's Out There
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Title: If She's Out There
Part: 1/1
Date: 28 November 2000
Author: (Sadly) Genji
Status: Final
Archive: If you want it, take it. But LMK.
Category: Songfic ('If She's Out There' by Sister Hazel)
Rating: PG
Pairing: 1 + ? (Made up character that exists in 2 paragraphs...contrary to what Scherazade thinks, it is NOT 1 + 9...it's made up, read my lips M-A-D-E U-P...ok, thank you.)
Warnings: SAP SAP SAP SAP SAP...touch of angst, MAJOR OOC...AU perhaps, but since it's after the war, no one can argue!
Disclaimer on both song and characters: I don't own them, or the ideas or the tune. I'm poorer than the church mouse; go sue him.
Stuff you should know: [song lyrics]
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[If she's out there somewhere, somewhere
I would give everything to know-]
It's funny. Everyone assumes that since I'm a 'perfect soldier' my hormonal urges are nonexistent. I still go through all the normal changes that everyone else does. And after the Marimaia Incident, I was left with nothing to distract me. So, here I sit, a freshman in college, and wonder what I missed when all my classmates were in high school and I was out saving the world. They speak fondly of old flames and long distance relationships, yet I know nothing of which they speak of. I don't know how to act around this strange new sex, but I'm filled with desires. Unspeakable desires.
[Just to hold and to finally have her
Take me to sunrise from indigo.]
To hold a warm body all through the night, to wake up to find her still there, and not just a figment of my imagination. What wouldn't I do?
[If it's to be
That there's just no one for me
I will try not to cry much
So no one will see]
There's always the chance that I am condemned to walk down this barren path alone, consumed by my memories, haunted by nightmares, forever searching, never finding.
[But if it's to be, yeah
That there is anyone for me
Our hearts will shine
So everyone will see.]
My heart has softened since the war's end. I no longer fear that my next mission will lead me to kill new acquaintances, new friends. Don't misunderstand. I don't wear my heart on my sleeve, but nor do I imprison it and stow it away, deep within myself. Perhaps, one of these days I'll be able to let it surface, if I ever meet the right person.
[I've got sometime
So maybe if you're free
I could use a friend
Just to talk to me.]
I used to have friends, though at the time I didn't see them that way. One in particular was always there for me, but I pushed him away. Now I must pay the price. He's on L2 with Hilde, and here I am, reaching for knowledge that I already know.
Alone, on earth.
[If she's out there somewhere, somewhere
I would give anything to know
Just to hold and to finally have her
Take me to sunrise from indigo.]
I suppose I could have had Relena. She would have been in my arms in an instant, but I could never take advantage of her. She was my rallying cry, like Hirohito. An ideal. She fell for someone who doesn't exist. Love. What a fickle and cruel mistress.
I want someone to love me, for who I am, not who they think I am. Does such an entity exist? I wish I knew.
[Lived most of my life without
Anyone near
Never cared what happened
You know I never saw clear.]
I was never allowed to feel, and during the war it suited me just fine. I lived not knowing if I'd ever see the sun rise again, but now it's over. Then I didn't care if I lived or died. I have yet to change that view.
[But I'm getting older now
I'm thinking 'bout my end, and
To leave without love
Or without a friend.]
I'm almost 20. I never thought I'd live that long. Perhaps I won't, but it would be nice to have someone who will remember me. Heroes come and heroes go. They are reduced to mere names, dates and battles. I'm not even a hero, just a means to an end.
[Well it's getting late
But maybe if I tried
I could find one
Before I die.]
Shinigami will be making a trip here shortly. There's no need for a warrior in a time of peace. The armor decays, the swords rust, and everything falls into disuse. I'm of no use to anyone here, so what's the point?
[If she's out there somewhere, somewhere
I would give anything to know-
Just to hold and to finally have her
Take me to sunrise from indigo.]
I saw her today. I recognized her from the times I'd infiltrated OZ. She was a lieutenant at one of the bases. Passionate about her work, but laid back once she took off her uniform. She was sitting in the big oak they built the quad around. No one noticed her as she sat, pensive, in the arms of the tree. She knows what war is.
[It's not over yet
It's not over
I'm still standing, yeah]
I won't give up that easily. There are those that survived, that won't see me as a mass murder, but merely another soldier. There must be someone out there who will understand that I didn't chose to do what I did, that won't turn away in disgust, or like me only for the aura that surrounds me simply because I was a gundam pilot. I can still hope.
[If it's to be
That there's just no one for me
I will try not to cry much
So no one else will see.]
I tried to talk to that girl, just to hear some familiar voice. She slapped me across the face, putting all her power behind that one stinging hand. Her ring tore the top layers of my skin, and the bleeding has left behind a raised scab. She stood there, staring at me, tears forming in the corner of her eyes. But she never blinked; she never closed her eyes as two drops of water traced their way down her pallid cheeks. What else could I do? I turned and walked away. What did I expect? To be greeted with open arms? That's simply ludicrous!
[I've got some time
So maybe if you're free
I could use a friend
Just to talk to me.]
I probably should go back to Quatre, Trowa, Duo, and, yes, even Wufei. There I won't be an outcast. We've all gone through the same crap, missed out on the same experiences. For once, maybe I won't feel so desolate.
[If she's out there somewhere, somewhere
I would give anything to know-
Just to hold and to finally have her
Take me from sunrise to indigo.]
One of these days I'll find someone who won't turn away when she realizes who I am, what I've done. Perhaps, in time, she'll even love me, not the façade, but the person behind the mask. One of these days...
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© 2000 by Genji. Please do not remove without permission.
