Losing All You Hold Dear
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Title: Losing All You Hold Dear (Sequel to If I Fall)
Author: Genji
Part: 2/2
Date: 13 December 2000
For Disclaimers, warnings and what naught, see Part 1
~*~-passing time, change of character (just a movement of the scene)
~//stuffers//~ sorta random thoughts going through Heero's head, the repeated words are supposed to represent echoing.
//thoughts//
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~*~
Duo closed his eyes. He had always been a light sleeper, and more than once his life had been saved due to that fact. However, now he was bushed. For the last couple weeks he had taken to sleeping on the couch after a night of thrashing coming from the other bed.
Duo settled back for a night of rest. The mission had tired him out, and from the way Heero was sleeping, it had been a tough time for him too. Though exactly what the youth had done was anyone's guess. All Duo knew was that he had been gone for three days in space while Heero had remained at home, or he was there when the American had left, and he had been there when Duo had returned. The only change had been the bags under the haunted blue eyes. Now both were to get much needed sleep. With these thoughts Duo drifted off.
The braided teen was woken by sounds from the next bed over. Heero was twisted up within the sheets, a sheen of perspiration glowed in the moonlight. //He's having nightmares again. Whenever he dreams, it's vivid.// Duo thought sleepily. He rolled over and tried to go back to sleep. However, when vocal noises drifted up from the bed, the longhaired youth's ears perked up. He had been sleeping in the same room as 'the perfect soldier' for the majority of the war, and he had never heard the boy so much as whimper, even when the darker side captured him and tormented him with dreams. Duo padded over and bent down over the sleeping teen.
As he reached out to shake the sleeping figure, to drive the shadows from his slumber, glazed and unseeing eyes flew open. A strong arm grabbed the flannel material around his neck and pulled him down.
Unnerved, Duo started to get back, saying, "Woah, buddy! I don't know what you think you're doing-"
A sharp fist slammed against his cheek. Duo pulled away, but the groping hand returned to the soft cotton, and he was down again, only to find the air forced out his lungs when a balled up hand hit his diaphragm. Duo tried to get away, but even in his sleep Heero's killer instincts found him. This time the hand was at his throat, constricting the airway, making the American see stars and bits and pieces of his life flashing before his eyes.
//I *refuse* to be killed by a guy in his sleep. Perfect soldier be damned!//
With as much force as he could muster in his arm, which wasn't much since it felt like the consistency of Jell-O, Duo dealt a stinging slap to the Japanese adolescent's face, determined not to die without a fight. Slowly, the eyes cleared and realization steeped in. The hand loosened, and Duo let himself slump to the floor. Without a second look, Heero rolled over to face the wall, distancing himself from his normally rambunctious partner.
"Well that'll teach me to try and wake you up," Duo muttered. Unseen by the American, a single tear tracked its way down a ghostly white face.
Duo returned to his bed mumbling about getting up needlessly.
In his own bed, Heero ran his tongue against the inside of his cheeks. Along the moist flesh, hard, painless bumps had appeared. The cause of such an outbreak was beyond his comprehension. Nothing caused by biological warfare; that was sure. He was immune to all the common strains used for such purposes. This was different. He had fallen victim to something he didn't know of, nor could he even begin to self-diagnose.
...end flashback>
Duo awoke to the sun peeking through the curtains and Heero on the floor. It was funny, the boy was actually seeking him, though Heero blamed sleep walking, Duo thought it was something else. The American ambled over and spoke to the fallen youth.
"Wakey, wakey, Heero. Ready for another dull day?"
Silence. Not even a groan, which totally weirded out the chestnut haired adolescent. Normally Heero would make some sort of threat and then get up. However, his unresponsiveness was peculiar, since before the *incident* it had been Heero lugging Duo's butt outta bed.
"Come on, buddy, get up."
Duo added a quick poke in the ribs, but there was no response. "Get up, or do I hafta kick your sorry ass outside so you can enjoy this invigorating morning?"
Nothing.
Duo bent down and hefted the body up, pulling the boy's limp arm around his shoulders. The boy's eyes fluttered, but that was it.
"Hey, I warned you, sleepyhead." Duo remarked, as he opened the door. The Asian's head lolled to the side, and his flaming cheek landed on Duo's bare shoulder. The longhaired youth slammed the door shut.
"You just gotta go get sick on me, don'tcha, Heero? Well, it's your own fault for sleeping on the floor. God knows when the last time this place was cleaned. The germs just wormed their way into your system, huh? Well don't expect me to wait on you hand and foot. You know where the kitchen is, you know where the blankets are, and you know where the bathroom is. I don't want you to ralph all over the sheets. Not a pleasant thing to clean up, and I won't be the one who will be cleaning it up. I don't know if we have any extra sheets. And they're white ones, ya know? Just think of all the staining. So, into bed with ya. It's probably nothing more than the flu. Heck, that's a bummer to get. You'll be as good as new in a week."
With that, the chattering squirrel lowered his companion into the tousled bed. He pulled the covers up to the feverish boy's chin and added, "I'll be around, but I can't promise I'll be here 24/7." //But I would if I could,// he told his roommate mentally. Heero crumpled into a fetal position and let exhaustion have its way with him.
//I've never seen him this way. I'll bug G to let me offa work for a week. I don't like the way this looks.//
~*~
Heero spent the week wrapped in a blanket, alternating between burning and freezing spells. Duo, however, was gone for the majority of the time, as a rash of new missions kept him cooped up in Deathscythe's cockpit. During this time, the Japanese pilot felt absolutely miserable as his lymph nodes became swollen to what seemed to him the size of some sort of citrus fruit. However, in reality, they were probably no larger than the size of a grape. A rash had appeared on his chest, and it took every ounce of self-discipline in him not to scratch it. With large amounts of aspirin to drive him to a state happy numbness and a type of stupor, he survived the week- survived it without any nightmares or flashbacks.
The rash was gone by Tuesday, and the fever itself disappeared a day or two later. Upon waking up Friday morning, Heero ambled to the shower. Grateful that Duo was still asleep. He had yet to take one that would not bring back memories of the soldiers' camp. His arm was healing nicely, he could control manipulate the upper arm slightly, though picking anything up was out of the question. At some point Duo had switched the sling from the rags that the defiler had worn to a clean triangular bandage from the in-house first aid kit.
Without bothering to take the flag of white off, he stepped into the shower, and let the warm water caress his cool skin. With minor difficulty he washed his hair and washed away the mental filth that, to him, stained his very being. It was going to get better.
His leg was almost healed, a couple stitches had done the trick, one of the first things he had done when he had returned. Duo had helped, of course; sewing is very difficult with one arm. His ankle had healed, and he was now able to sit without pain or remembering graphically what had happened. Soon, he anticipated that he and Wing would be reunited. Something he looked forward to. It was up to J when exactly it would be. He was surprised that he hadn't received any in the past weeks, something most unusual, citing the fact that he was as busy as Duo or more so.
Heero wandered into the common room, where Duo was lounging, looking over his cup of coffee thoughtfully. He nodded silently, and the youth noted how haggard his roommate looked.
"Oy!" the American greeted with a tired smile. Heero acknowledged him silently. He pulled a mug from the cupboard and helped himself to the black brew, then settled down in the chair opposite the distant teen and pulled the international section from the untouched newspaper. He opened it, read a little before bringing it down so that his eyes looked over the top.
"What's the matter?"
"Huh? Wha? Me? Nothing," came the dazed response. //Nothing major. Just dog-tired. Doing double duty'll do that to you. But I'll be alright now.//
"Hn."
//How are you? Are you still haunted by what happened? Wanna get anything off your chest? Are you going to apologize for trying to kill me? It's been a month, and I'm still waiting. Not that I expect anything from you. Whoever taught you manners must be passing a restless time in their grave.//
Heero watched the musing youth covertly. The American was hiding something from him, but he couldn't put his finger on it. Not wanting to worry needlessly, the Asian put the paper aside and retreated to the bedroom, where he booted up the ol' laptop to check his cache. The record listed correspondence that had never occurred, at least to Heero's knowledge. He opened one of his supposed e-mails to J. It was written in impeccable Japanese, the language he used when conversing with his mentor, one of the signs to the doc that it was he, Heero Yuy, behind the keyboard, and not some imposter.
"Neat peace of work, ne?" Duo remarked, standing in the doorway, his keen eyesight detecting what was on the screen.
"You did this?"
"Uh-huh. There's a lot more to me than simply dumb ol' American Duo."
"You shouldn't've done that, Duo."
"What else was I supposed to do? Have you get a hold of them and rush out in your state? Nuh-uh, you'd just come home a wreck, and then I *would* have to wait on you hand and foot. A proposition I don't think either of us would relish. It was the only way. Plus, it was nice impersonating someone else. Sorta walk a mile in someone's shoes before you insult 'em. That way you're a mile away and you have their shoes. No, that's not applicable. Now you can go out and kill yourself for all I care. My hands are clean."
//Thanks for your vote of confidence, Duo. Do you really think I'm that stupid?//
//You would have killed yourself trying, Heero. Trowa told me all about what happened in Antarctica. Ok, more along the lines that I dragged it out of him, but I found out anyways. Dueling and not even in your top form. Your own welfare doesn't bother you. Yeah, yeah, I know we're expendable, but don't give me that crap when you're falling over your control panel. If you wanna die, go die doing something useful; don't throw your life away for a fleet of mobile dolls, or a fight to prove who is the better pilot. What is there to achieve in that?.//
Heero flipped to his current messages, picked the oldest back mission that Duo had not completed and hurried out of the room.
~*~
For two months it was as if the rape had never happened, though at times the nightmares returned, and once in a while a flashback sent Heero in a downward spiral, but Duo was there, going through the motions that Father Maxwell had done with him so long ago.
Then the storm clouds that had been gathering on the horizon surrounded them. Heero woke up with Felan's laugh in his ears and the mocking grin in his eyes. Heero opened his eyes to drive the image away, but still, the predatory green orbs remained, and morning light didn't melt the terrors of the night away.
Heero blinked, or he thought he did, but no change came. He lurched up from his bed, and stumbled into the common room, bumping into Duo, who was carrying a cup of hot coffee.
"OUCH!" the American yelled as the boiling liquid hit him in the chest. "Are you blind, Heero? Watch where you're going!"
"Maxwell, tell me, has a fuse blown?"
"Has a fuse blown?!? That's ridiculous. The hall light's on and you're asking me if a fuse blew? I'd say you blew a fuse," Duo responded, and hurried away to drive the burning sensation away with cold water.
Heero lurched into the common room and flopped down on the couch. He held his outspread hands in front of his eyes, turning them from palm to back, and back to palm, wiggling his fingers and squinting, trying to see any movement that they made.
"Whatcha doing?" Duo asked from the doorway, seeing the pilot's antics.
"Are my eyes open?"
"Jeepers creepers! First it's 'has a fuse blown,' now it's 'are my eyes open'. What's gotten into you?"
"Tell me."
"You really should know, Heero. It's just one of those things. Are you playing mind games with me?"
"Answer me."
"Yeah. Your peepers are showing."
Heero brought his hands down from in front of his face and clasped them quietly.
"What's the matter?" Duo's voice was nearer now, almost beside him.
"I can't see."
"You're yanking my chain! One minute you can see the next you can't. Good one, Heero. But where's the punch line? Do you want me to be some sort of television evangelist and heal you? I can feel the power! God, have mercy on this sinner's soul, and send your checks to the address on your screen."
"I can't see."
"You're serious, aren't you?" Duo was next to him now, holding his own hand in front of the teen's face. "How many fingers?"
"You have 10 fingers."
"Ok, problem solved. You can see just as well as I."
"Fine. Believe what you will."
Heero got up abruptly and started to stalk across the room, only to tumble over the coffee table. He pulled himself up, and using the wall as his guide returned to his room, where he sat in front of the monitor, and ran his fingers over the glowing screen.
"It's over. I'm of no use to anyone like this. A stumbling fool." He turned his unseeing eyes in the direction of the closet, where on the top shelf was his loaded gun. Cocked and locked. He staggered over to where the vicinity, opened the door and groped along the top shelf. Flesh met metal, and he pulled down the well-known weapon. He closed the door, and blindly undid the safety on the sidearm.
J had taught him several ways to commit suicide, but he had always wanted to die by the gun. He had lived by it, and now he would perish by it. As he prepared to pull the trigger, a smarting slap threw the tenuous aim off its mark and the bullet dug into the wall. A firm hand grasped the wrist that held the gun over his head and squeezed, restricting the flow of blood and causing his hand to tingle.
"Drop it, Heero."
"No." He tried to bring the arm down to re-aim, but Duo had the upper hand, and the adrenaline rushing through his body. It had been a long time since that hormone had rushed through Heero's veins without him consciously willing it to. Such was the drawback of being able to control all your bodily functions.
"Give it to me." The pressure tightened, threatening to break his wrist. The loss of blood loosened his grip on it, and Duo wrenched the weapon from it. The American released the wrist and stepped aside as the blinded youth lunged at him. Heero heard clip and gun being separated as Duo unloaded the deadly item.
"It's not worth killing yourself over."
"Losing my independence isn't anything to kill myself over? Than what is?"
"Losing your sanity."
"Lost that a long time ago."
Duo laughed. "You finally admit it, Heero. I'm so proud."
"Give me the gun, Maxwell." Heero snarled, lunging in the direction of the laughter.
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He was laughing, his green eyes danced. Half demon, half man. Defiler of the innocent.
"You'll come for me?
"Come for me."
"Cross your heart and hope to die?"
"...hope to die, hope to die, hope to die, hope to die, hope to die, hope to die, hope to die, hope to die..."
Felan laughed.
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"Heero, wake up! You ok?" Duo asked the fallen and trembling boy.
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"You ok, kid?" the sergeant asked, touching him. The sergeant had green eyes, and a wicked smile spread across his face. "I wonder what kind of reception you'll get back at HQ."
"Not like I'd share you."
"...hope to die, hope to die, hope to die, hope to die, hope to die, hope to die, hope to die, hope to die..."
"Cross your heart and hope to die?"
"Promise me, Heero."
"...hope to die, hope to die, hope to die, hope to die, hope to die, hope to die, hope to die, hope to die..."
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"Doc, he's been like that for a week."
~//"...I'm opening up your skin, I'm opening up your skull, I'm taking out your brain and putting in a bowling ball...without your brain, without your brain, without your brain, without your brain..."//~
"It looks bad, Duo."
"Come on, lay it on me, Sally. What's the matter?"
"It's Rapidum pallidum."
"Huh?"
"It's syphilis, a new strain, fast acting too. Have you been checked?"
"Heck! I haven't laid a finger on him."
"Do you have any idea how he got it?"
~//"...sticks and stones can break my bones, break my bones, break my bones, break my bones, break my bones, break my bones..."//~
"Yeah, this fucking monster laid him up, bent him over, and screwed him senseless."
"Raped him?"
"Call it what you will. Hasn't been the same since."
~//"...hope to die, hope to die, hope to die, hope to die, hope to die, hope to die, hope to die, hope to die..."//~
"I can give him penicillin, but it'll just stop the progression of the disease. It's too late to undo the damage."
"So he's stuck like this- forever?"
~//"Don't forget to laugh, don't forget to cry, don't forget to stop and wave, bye, bye, bye..."//~
"Yeah. I suggest you institutionalize him, and get yourself checked out. Living in such close contact with someone infected...I wouldn't be surprised if you had it too."
"So, I get to go insane like him?
"No. You haven't had a fever, a rash, any chancres?"
"Naw, I'm as healthy as a horse."
"Do you want me to administer the shot to him?"
"What'll happen if you don't?"
"He'll waste away, like he is now. Probably go deaf as well as blind, and paralysis is just around the corner. Once you get that far, death is the last step."
~//...promise me, you'll hope to die. Promise me, promise me, promise me, promise me, promise me, promise me... Concentrate, concentrate, people are dying, children are crying, concentrate, concentrate....people are dying, people are dying, dying, dying, dying, dying//~
"If that's his only hope, let 'im have it. J's going to kill me."
"It's not your fault."
"I should've figured it out."
"Syphilis has been wiped out for at least 50 years. They don't teach that stuff in school anymore, and this is a new strain itself. Mutating bacteria..."
There was a prick...
~//...stick a knife in your back, let the blood drip down, let the blood drip down, let the blood drip down, let the blood drip down, let the blood drip down, let the blood drip down...//~
"Come on, Heero, let's go home."
~//...if you're gone, maybe it's time to come home, come home, come home, come home...//~
Duo settled his old roommate in the straight back chair, and whispered, "I once promised that if you fell, I would catch you. Time and again you have fallen, and I have never been there. I've failed, as your roommate, as your partner, as your friend. I can't keep my promises; I can't guarantee anything. The only guarantee that I can give now, is that Shinigami will succeed where I have failed."
Duo pulled out the gun that Heero had tried to use so long ago. "Catch him, Shinigami." He pulled the trigger, and the boy known to the populace as a nameless soldier, to OZ as 01, to his friend as Heero Yuy, was no more.
"Forgive me, father, for I have sinned."
