I Miss You
~~~~
Title: I Miss You
Author: Karasu Kizu
Written: May 11, 2000
Type: angst/ romance-sap/ shonen-ai
Song: I Miss You So Much by TLC
Disclaimer: I own nothing
~~~~
I never asked for this feeling
I never thought I would fall
Duo tapped his fingers lightly against the windowpane, watching the rain
fall to hit against the un-giving glass. He stared at the reflection of his
roommate visible on the water soaked window. His smile broke and he sighed
inaudibly.
The safe house the Gundam pilots were staying in for the time being was
smaller than normal and so they had to pair off in sleeping arrangements.
Wufei voiced his opinion to be alone while Trowa and Quatre would most
definitely not room with anyone other than one another. Duo sighed again,
that put him with Heero as usual.
It was so hard to concentrate around the stoic, Japanese pilot the past few
days… weeks… okay, fine. Months. Duo pouted slightly, hating to admit how
deep his feelings were. He’d never planned on it… he never thought he’d
feel anything in anyway for the other boy. But it seemed his heart had
different plans.
‘Damn thing,’ he thought to himself. ‘I don’t want to fall… I don’t want to
feel this way again. I can’t bear for him to go and I know he’ll leave.
He’ll be disgusted, he’ll self-destruct… there’s endless possibilities. Yet…’
He glanced again at his roommate. A smile played on Duo’s lips again and
his thoughts continued on. ‘Yet I can’t stop now. He’s just too much… so
gorgeous and somewhere underneath the hardness there’s a human heart. I’ve
seen it.’
I never knew how I felt
Till the day you were gone
I was lost
Wide violet-blue eyes took in every detail of the room. Gone… Heero was
gone without a trace and without a word.
‘Damn the missions!’ Duo’s mind screamed. Tears were threatening and he had
to close his heart off of the pain and sorrow to stop the salty droplets.
‘I knew it… I knew it… I couldn’t… not again. I can’t love… no…’
~~~~~
Heero ran his fingers through his hair, an unusual show of nervousness not
typical of him. His eyes barely could decipher the writings on the laptop
screen. Who could he kid? He couldn’t think at all. Images of a certain
braided-baka were on his mind and he couldn’t run away from them.
“Damnit, Duo. What is this?”
A fist slammed hard on the desk provided with the dorm room. He was never
going to be able to accomplish his mission at this rate. ‘Calm down Yuy,’
he told himself. ‘Finish the mission and then return to D- the others…’
Right. That simple. Ninmu ryoukai.
I never asked for red roses
I wasn't looking for love
Heero’s eyes snapped open and he stared up at the ceiling as he replayed
his dream.
It was more of a memory, actually, just altered in some ways. During one of
the ‘hang-low’ times between missions, Duo dragged Heero shopping and they
bought the supplies they needed. On the way back, however, Duo suddenly
pulled into a floral shop and hopped around to look at everything. Heero
snorted with impatience, purposely not looking at the American. Suddenly
Duo popped up with a red rose in hand, grinning. “Here ya go, Heero my
man!” He stifled a bit of laughter. Heero carefully took the rose and
looked at it. Duo’s face suddenly softened and he murmured, “Do you know
what it symbolizes?” Heero glanced sidelong at Duo and shook his head. The
American was bubbling quickly again and said, “Oh that’s okay… nothing
important really…”
Cobalt blue eyes pierced through the darkness to look at the laptop shut
down for the time being. There was something about the rose… something it
meant… perhaps he should find out-
‘What am I hoping for? I don’t need him. I’m forever the way I am. That’s
what I want and that’s the way it is.’
Somehow I let my emotions take hold
And guess what all at once
I'm in love
Quatre had long given up trying to calm Duo down. Ever since Heero’s leave
the month before, the American pilot had been bursting with loads of energy
and was doing everything and anything he could do. It almost seemed he was
trying to wear himself out. In fact, one night Quatre found Duo had
collapsed on the couch and had fallen asleep soundly but with a distressed
look on his face.
Presently the longhaired boy was hurrying to finish breakfast. Wufei glared
at him but behind the hard eyes were other feelings he wished not to
reveal. Trowa simply ignored the boy devouring more than his share of food
and kept his eyes on the printouts of information they had recently received.
With breakfast over, Duo charged out the door to spend the day exploring
the outside once again. The sun beating down warmed him on the outside but
deep down his heart was still frozen over to block the emotions. ‘I’m so
weak… I couldn’t block my heart early enough. Oh Heero, you damn baka, how
can you do this to me? Why did I ever fall in love with a rock like you?’
Oh I miss you so much
I long for your love
It's scares me
“… And so the battle was started because…” The voice droned on and Heero
ignored it. He just wanted out of this school so badly. It was… getting
lonely. Frankly, it was being to scare him. But not only that was
frightening. It was scaring him to think about needing to go back to
someone. He knew who he was missing, he knew what he needed. Yet…
‘I can’t give in to this. I won’t allow it to! Why do I miss him? Why? What
is this feeling?! How can this scare me so? I… need you… I want you next to
me again… I want you to keep babbling about nonsense so finally I have to
close a hand over your lips to keep you silent. But why do I want this? How
could I want anything… or anyone…?’
Cuz my heart gets so weak
That I can't even breathe
Duo lay on his back with the grass tickling his arms. He stared up into the
bright sky until his eyes began to water… until he had an excuse to cry and
let tears fall… ‘No. Not tears. They’re just watering… it’s too bright…
that’s right…’
His hands were trembling and he ached inside and out. Nothing was helping
him out anymore. His interest was dimming and… damnit! There just wasn’t
any Heero around to tell him ‘Omae o korosu’!
The tears were choking now, making his lungs burn as he gasped to breath.
“I’m not weak! NO! I refuse… I … don’t… care for him… and I’d never love
him… never…” The words were dying on his lips - not in any way true.
How can you take things so easily?
Baby why aren't you missing me?
He could just imagine Heero glaring at him with that gun of his out and
pointed at his aching heart. Duo laughed bitterly at the scene he came up
with. Heero wouldn’t give a damn when if he returned and then saw Duo run
up to him. The Japanese pilot wouldn’t care… it wouldn’t be some movie
scene where he’d announce his love and how much he missed Duo. No… not even
in Duo’s dreams did that happen.
Why did I act like you mattered?
It was silly of me to believe
That if I just opened my heart
Things would come naturally
Jokes on me (yeah)
Heero returned in another three weeks, his missions complete for a while.
Duo immediately became happy once again and a little less hyperactive. The
other three pilots noticed this but bit their tongues on the subject.
“Oi! Heero! About time were you ever gonna be coming back?” Duo exclaimed
as he ran up to meet the Wing pilot as he dropped from the hatch. The braid
was whirling out behind Duo as he ran and when he came to a stop the long,
plaited hair hit him hard in the back.
Heero grunted in response.
Duo wrinkled his nose, saying, “Yeesh… what a nice vocabulary you acquired,
always expanding I see…” His eyes sparkled with the familiar joking manner.
There was no sign that Heero even noticed him that time for the Japanese
pilot brushed past Duo and headed to unpack. He never looked back to see
the bared heart that was cracking into tiny shards behind him.
‘I’m a fool. Such a fool… he’ll never…’ Duo clenched his fists and ran past
his friends as he went to lock himself in his room. ‘What’s the matter with
me? Baka! Baka, baka, baka, baka, baka, BAKA!’ His mind was screaming with
confusion and pain.
“Such an idiot, that’s what I am… I don’t know anything and don’t know when
to get away from this stupid pain… why do I let him? Why open my heart?
Heero…” He buried his head in the pillow, hiding the suspicious wet
droplets falling down his cheekbones.
~~~~~
“Duo!” Quatre knocked on the closed wooden door, calling his friend’s name.
“Come on, it’s time for dinner.”
“No thanks, man. I’m not hungry,” was the muffled reply.
Frowning, Quatre pushed the door open a little and peered his head in. Duo
was curled up on the bed, hugging the pillow to him and facing a wall.
“Daijoubu desu ka?”
Duo whirled around in surprise and the blonde didn’t miss the red-rimmed
eyes and wet eyelashes. “Oh… sure… hai… daijoubu….” He trailed off when
Quatre pushed the door open farther and walked to sit beside him on the
bed. “Quatre…” he started, barely noting that the door was open.
“Nanda? Why did you cry? I’m your friend… please tell me.”
The American turned away, clutching the cross about his neck. “I’m not sure
I can, Quatre. I don’t know if I want to.” A warm hand rested on his
shoulder and Duo felt Quatre leaning over him a little.
I did not ask for love letters
So why did you give them to me?
How could I let your intentions
Get hold over me
Heero was silent throughout dinner. So were the other two present. Quatre
and Duo never appeared for the evening meal and left two chairs sadly
empty. Trowa and Wufei were as much of conversationalists as Heero was so
the meal was rather… quiet. And very tense. None of them could place a
finger on it but there was definitely something building up and it was
slightly disturbing.
During the period of silence, Heero let his mind wander back to why his
feelings for Duo were so deep. Surely Duo only joked around and bugged him
to try and get him to loosen up it’s what he did with everyone. There
wasn’t anything special there. There wasn’t any extra attention… right?
Heero couldn’t be one hundred percent sure, actually, so his questions were
left unanswered.
Finally he headed back to his room. As he passed down the corridor he
realized that Duo’s door was open slightly. A feeling of foreboding entered
him as he crept silently to peer in.
So in love
So naive (oh baby)
Heero froze.
There, on the bed, Quatre was hugging Duo tightly and murmuring soft words.
Duo was clinging to the blonde boy like a lifeline.
Oh I miss you so much
I long for your love
It's scares me
In that moment Heero Yuy realized for sure that he truly had a heart and
that he had fully fallen for Duo; for at that point his delicate heart that
had been locked for years, broke.
‘You never did. What a fool. And I called you baka… ha…’
Cuz my heart gets so weak
That I can't even breathe
It was painful to breathe now and Heero slipped away into his own room to
think. He stepped to the window and stared out at the darkening sky, blind
to nature’s beauty.
His knees were so shaky, as were his hands. ‘Baka… baka…’
How can you take things so easily?
Baby why aren't you missing me?
Perhaps he had been hoping that Duo had missed him. No he had wished and
hoped and prayed that Duo would run up to him and hug him and… but that
didn’t happen. It wasn’t going to either. Not when he was in the other room
and held tightly in Quatre’s arms. ‘You’re so…’ Heero couldn’t finish the
cruel sentence, knowing Duo didn’t deserve it and that he was just too angry.
And oh how I hate what you have done
Made me fall so deep in love
Got no cure
You're the only one I want
That I love oh baby
“…Sometimes I think I hate him for it… sometimes… and…” Duo was choking
through his problems. Somewhere along the way he had ended up in Quatre’s
warm embrace and welcomed it gratefully. He wasn’t Heero, but it was a
friend’s comforting touch. “I don’t know… I tried to block it… but I can’t.
I love him too much… ha! I love him, I said it… but not to him… not to
him…” Tears were coming down his cheeks again and he buried his head
against Quatre’s shoulder.
“Shh… Duo…” The blonde ran his fingers along Duo’s braid, trying to comfort
his friend. He knew some of the distress he was going through he had gone
through much of the same thing with Trowa… except not in such intensity.
“It’ll be okay… you just need to talk to him and you’ll see how things will
work out.”
“Demo… he… wants nothing with me. He doesn’t…” Duo trailed off and shook
his head.
“You need to tell him,” Quatre insisted softly.
“Nani?! Quatre!” A startled and very close to hurt Trowa stood just
inside the room. His green eyes were suddenly very expressive as he stared
at the two boys on the bed. “W-”
Quatre shook his head to cut Trowa off, “It’s okay, Trowa… Duo has a lot on
his mind and I offered to listen. There’s a lot of stress involved and he
just needed a good cry and a shoulder to lean on. Ne, Duo?” The blonde
looked down at the American who was quickly pulling away and wiping at his
eyes.
“Whatever,” he muttered. “Gomen nasai, Trowa… I know you and he… and…”
Trowa stopped him with a kind look. “No, daijoubu, Duo. I understand. I’m…
a little over protective.” The usually stoic pilot cast a loving gaze
towards Quatre and sat down beside his lover to hold him close.
Violet-blue eyes gazed momentarily at the entwined hands before turning away.
Oh I miss you so much
I long for your love
It's scares me
“You will be okay?” Quatre checked as he stood up with Trowa. Duo nodded
briefly. “Okay then… if you need anything, please let me know.”
“Just knock before you come into the room,” Trowa commented. Quatre flushed
lightly and poked Trowa in the ribs.
Duo gave a slight grin; it was such an odd site to see Trowa so open and
happy. What a change Quatre made to him. “Alright. Now get going… don’t
bother with me, I’ll be fine. I’m always fine!”
The couple smiled softly at their friend and fellow pilot before leaving
and closing the door behind them. Duo fell back onto the bed and stared at
some unknown point on the ceiling. ‘Can’t we have a chance? Trowa and
Quatre… they’re so good together… so happy… loving… can’t we… try for that?
Would you ever want that, Heero? Or am I dreaming again?’
Cuz my heart gets so weak
That I can't even breathe
How can you take things so easily?
Baby why aren't you missing me?
The tears had long been shed and Duo could do nothing but feel his aching
heart beat slowly and painfully against his ribcage. ‘You never missed me,
did you? Did you…?’ When he’d ran up to Heero at first, he thought he’d
seen a brief glimmer of joy in those cold eyes. But by the time he was up
close all that hope was gone. No words spoken to him.
Duo rolled onto his stomach and let his breathing come slowly, dulling the
pain slightly. ‘Why couldn’t you miss me in the littlest way? Couldn’t you
at least care enough to show you cared something for me? Even if it’s just
friendship? Any type of love… onegai… Heero, onegai.’
Baby why aren't you missing me?
Baby why aren't you missing me?
Heero gritted his teeth and threw the pillow across the room to land with
an angry thud against the wall. ‘Damnit… and I thought that maybe you were
caring, but a fool I am. What a fool indeed… couldn’t see that you never
would consider loving me. Duo you idiot, why did you play with my heart?’
It was past midnight, he had heard the chimes of some grandfather clock go
off a while back. Sighing for what seemed the millionth time, Heero levered
himself onto his elbows and glared at the door. It was taunting him,
begging him to go out and into Duo’s room… find him in someone’s arms other
than his own.
He lay back down.
Ten minutes later found the Japanese pilot slipping through the shadows and
into Duo’s silent, dark room. Curiosity doesn’t escape the Perfect Soldier.
There was only one form in the room and that was Duo’s. The boy was curled
up tightly with a pillow hugged between his arms. His face seemed
distressed and torn… and shiny…
Looking closer, Heero realized with a start that the shine was coming from
drying tears. Duo had been crying. It was a complete surprise and he
wondered why he would have been crying. He was about to move forward when
his heart hardened suddenly. No, he couldn’t stay… he didn’t want to stay.
Right?
Heero sighed, it was pointless arguing with himself in someone else’s room.
But before he left he had to do one thing… just one thing… his feet stepped
across the floor without a sound and he was soon leaning over the sleeping
boy. Hesitantly he bent down and let his lips kiss away the tears not yet
dry. Duo filled his senses and for a moment Heero believed that there was
some sort of response. However, when he pulled away and looked down at Duo
there were no unusual movements or symptoms other than the normal deep
breathing of sleep.
‘That’s all. I won’t give in again.’ Heero turned away with determination
and slipped out of the room, closing as best he could the walls around his
heart.
~~~~~
Once the door shut, Duo practically jumped to a sitting position. His eyes
were wide with surprise still and he lay a hand on his cheek. His eyes
threatened to water again, but this time not fully from sadness. “Maybe…
maybe there’s a chance, Heero? Just possibly?” He looked at the door where
the gorgeous Japanese pilot had disappeared.
“I love you. And who knows… Perhaps you feel the same.”
~ ~ ~ Owari ~ ~ ~
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©2001 by Karasu Kizu. Please do not remove without permission.
